how you react to this manic, blissful, awful, amazing, fundamental new condition.
YOU CAN CHOOSE TO:
become well-informed but not obsessed.
take what people tell you with a pinch of salt until you know it’s true.
research and understand important medical matters that affect you.
embrace what works for you and reject what doesn’t.
Most of all, you can remind yourself, when you are being prodded, poked, advised and bossed, that it is still your body and your life – even if you do look like an inflatable hippo when you’re in the bath.
That blue line
Julia’s heard some odd stories about how her clients know they’re pregnant:
‘It’s not always the obvious things that make you aware you’re pregnant – aching boobs, test kits, or late periods. Many of my clients tell me they knew they were pregnant when smells became stronger. Many – particularly second time mothers – tell me they had weird dreams that made them rush out and buy a test kit. And more than once I’ve heard of women dreaming about giving birth to a squirrel or mouse and discovering the next day that they’re pregnant.’
Finding out you are pregnant, however you do it, is a moment you’ll remember forever. The pictures of each of my three test sticks with the thin blue lines are stamped in my mind like little Polaroids. I remember where I was sitting, how I felt, what I did when I saw each one. (One thing that’s worth knowing is that while negative pregnancy tests in the very early days can be wrong, positive ones rarely are.) It can be a moment of exquisite happiness to find out you’re having a baby, but also a huge shock. Most of the literature on pregnancy assumes that you’ll simply pat yourself on the back at this point and become a saintly consumer of organic-only foodstuffs. But even if you planned meticulously, took your own temperature and peed on ovulation sticks for weeks on end, actually becoming pregnant can feel quite intimidating. Suddenly, your life (and soon your body) has taken on a shape all of its own. There’s a baby in there and it’s only going to get bigger. And it has to come out. And then you have to look after it for 18 years or more. If you’re used to at least a superficial sense of control over your own destiny, that moment of discovery can be daunting.
Going it alone
Facing motherhood alone can be a panicky, if exciting, time whether you have deliberately chosen to do this, or not. Your pregnancy may have come as a surprise, or it may have been a longed-for result: these days, more and more single women in their thirties and forties are choosing motherhood alone, sometimes using donor insemination. Telling people you’re pregnant can sometimes be tricky, whether the baby is planned or not, but the good news is that there is plenty of support and advice available. While one in four families in Britain today is headed by a single parent1 (that’s 1.75 million families) most of these happen because of marriage breakdown (usually once you have kids). You may, then, find it helpful to seek out specific support if you are single and tackling pregnancy and birth on your own. Even if you’re not a ‘joiner’, building up some kind of network once you are a parent can make a huge difference.
Where to go for help:
One Parent Families 020 7428 5400 www.oneparentfamilies.org.uk Parent-run charity Gingerbread 020 7488 9300 www.gingerbread.org.uk
Further reading:
Single Mothers by Choice: A Guidebook For Single Women Who Are Considering or have Chosen Motherhood by Jane Mattes (Three Rivers Press, US, 1997) This is an American book, but many issues are the same, wherever you are in the world. www.mattes.home.pipeline.com
Unplanned pregnancy
About one in five pregnancies is unplanned. If this fetus is the result of some Chianti-fuelled madness, or if you thought you practised the contraceptive equivalent of Fort Knox, discovering you’re pregnant can be distressing. Many of us won’t admit to such thoughts – it feels shameful even to consider not wanting a baby when other women out there are devastated by infertility. But many of us – at least initially – do feel this way. ‘My first baby, Mia, was five months old,’ says Kate. ‘She hadn’t slept for more than two hours at a stretch, screamed all the time, and we were shattered. One night, we drank a bottle of wine and had reckless sex – some kind of stress relief I think. Conrad was the result. When I discovered I was pregnant again I sat on the bathroom floor and cried. Mia cried next to me. Jim came in, and cried too. It was like some kind of Greek tragedy.’ They all came round to it in the end, of course, and Conrad is the light of their lives but really, pregnancy test kits should carry a mental health warning.
HEALTHY PREGNANCY: WHAT TO STOP DOING RIGHT NOW
STOP:
smoking cigarettes. Cigarette smoke contains more than 4000 chemicals that cross the placenta into your baby’s blood. It can lower your baby’s birth weight by 12 to 18 grams per cigarette consumed per day and doubles your chances of having a premature baby. It is associated with bleeding, pre-eclampsia, stillbirth and miscarriage.
taking over the counter drugs (without a doctor’s advice). Though paracetamol is considered safe to take in pregnancy, anti-inflammatory pain medication like ibuprofen can increase your risk of miscarriage. Best to check with your midwife before you take anything.
taking all recreational drugs (including cannabis)
taking all street drugs
drinking more than a couple of glasses of wine a week
soaking in saunas or hot tubs
having x-rays (unless suggested by your obstetrician)
Where to go for help:
QUIT helpline 0800 002200 www.quit.org.uk
NHS Pregnancy smoking helpline 0800 169 9 169
American Lung Association (US) www.lungusa.org/tobacco/
Less positive emotions
Depression
Everyone expects you to feel elated and special but you just feel even less like getting out of bed in the morning. Depression can be particularly isolating in pregnancy, yet it’s rarely talked about. One recent study found that not only is antenatal depression considerably more common than was previously thought – around 10 per cent of pregnant women, the study found, are depressed – it is mostly missed by doctors. In the study, only five of the 41 women with antenatal depression were identified by their GP as depressed.2 Depression can have serious effects on your health and that of your baby: depressed women may be less likely to keep antenatal appointments, eat well and do what’s best for their baby. There is also thought to be some link between antenatal depression and postnatal depression. You should always tell your midwife or doctor if you are feeling depressed
