disciplines: interpersonal relationships, human sexuality, communication skills and gender differences. We not only draw from scientific studies into the nature of love and from my personal research, but we also benefit from the work of modern therapists and communications analysts. I am especially grateful for the work of sociolinguist Deborah Tannen5 and the clever Mars/Venus analogies of therapist John Gray,6 who made it common knowledge that men and women have vastly different styles of thinking and communicating.
What is the recipe for making someone fall in love with you? Can it be reduced to a formula? The following sounds simple, but it is actually quite complicated.
You start with a solid scientific base of what makes up interpersonal attraction. Then you gather profound information about your Quarry (the person you want to make fall in love with you). Next, you employ sophisticated, often subliminal, communication techniques to meet his or her conscious and subconscious needs. Finally, you secure your Quarry with your spicy perception of precisely what he or she wants sexually. There you have it: the formula for making a Potential Love Partner fall in love with you.
I was not content with simply relying on research. I needed to see if these techniques would work in the field. Several years ago, to test my theories, I created a seminar with the same title as this book, ‘How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You’.
Invitations flowed in from all over the country from colleges, singles’ groups, clubs and continuing education organizations. It is on this playing field that the material has been tested. And the feedback from my students is, ‘Yes!’ You can make someone fall in love with you.
Is it a simple task? No.
Does it require sacrifice? Yes.
You may decide, after reading this book, that capturing his or her heart is simply not worth having to give that much of yourself. But if you do want to proceed, follow me. We will explore the skills needed to accomplish the task, to make the Potential Love Partner of your choice fall in love with you. (You notice that I have used the words Potential Love Partner several times. I will do so throughout the book because, although it is bulkier, the phrase is more accurate than anyone, which my publisher wisely decided is more readable.)
Who are your Potential Love Partners? Firstly, a Potential Love Partner (or PLP) is anyone who is ready for love. Timing, if not everything, at least counts a lot. For example, if someone has just lost a beloved spouse he or she may not be ready for love. That knocks him or her – temporarily – out of the PLP category.
Secondly, a Potential Love Partner is anyone free of esoteric psychological (or Lovemap) needs. These are needs that, through no fault of your own, you cannot fulfil. We will talk a lot about your Quarry’s Lovemap later.
That leaves many Potential Love Partners, a myriad of hearts to choose from. Let us embark now upon the path that leads you to the heart of the man or woman you desire.
What Makes People Fall in Love?
The Six Elements
What are the long-awaited results of Berscheid’s early studies and the deluge of those that followed? Well, maybe Freud was right. Romantic love is enigmatic. It is difficult to capture and convert into computerized, controlled bits and bytes of information. Instead, treating it as if it were a virus, scholars are tackling specific questions about love, nailing down a few facets at a time. They have made tremendous progress.
Out of the cascade of studies, six verities emerge about what makes people fall in love. To be a successful Hunter or Huntress of hearts, you must, like Cupid, be a skilful archer, and aim your arrow dead centre at the following six targets.
You Never Get a Second Chance at Love at First Sight
The first moments you spot your Quarry – and he or she gets a glimpse of you – can be decisive. Herein lies a ‘go/no go’ decision. Scientists tell us that love’s seeds are often sown during the first few minutes of a relationship.
When two cats meet for the first time, they stop and look at each other. If one hisses, the other bristles his coat and hisses back. However, if the first cat gives a little nudge with its cold nose, the other cat responds in kind, and they wind up purring together and licking each other’s coats.
A man and a woman getting to know each other are like two little animals sniffing each other out. We do not have tails that wag or hair that bristles, but we do have eyes that narrow or widen. We have hands that flash knuckles or subconsciously soften in the palms-up ‘I submit’ position. There are dozens of other ‘involuntary’ reactions that take place in the first few moments of interaction. The good news is that we can learn to control these presumed involuntary reactions.
The moment you set eyes on each other, your Potential Love Partner subconsciously reads the subtleties of your body language. In these first crucial moments he or she can unconsciously resolve to try for romantic take-off or abort thoughts of love. His or her mind then becomes computer-like, and your PLP continues to make rapid decisions about you during your first conversation, your first date.
In Part One we will cover techniques to lure Potential Love Partners into approaching you, into liking you, and then into making a first date. I will share scientifically sound methods of keeping the conversation exciting and making the first date stimulating for your Quarry.
2. Similar Character, Complementary Needs
I Want a Lover Just Like Dear Old Me (Well, Almost)!
If you pass the first impressions test, you enter the second phase. Here your Quarry starts making judgements about you as a Potential Love Partner. His or her subconscious mind is saying, ‘I want someone like me. Well, almost like me.’
If there is to be compatibility for a lifetime, or even for a date, some similarity is necessary. Our hearts are finely tuned instruments that seek someone who has values similar to ours, who holds beliefs similar to ours, and who looks at the world in more or less the same way we do. Similarity makes us feel good because it confirms the choices we have spent our whole lives making. We also look for people who enjoy the same activities so we can have fun together. Similarity is indeed a launch pad for a good relationship takeoff.
But we get bored with too much similarity. Besides, we need somebody to make up for our lacks. If we have no head for mathematics, who is going to balance the cheque book? If we are sloppy, who is going to pick up our socks?
So we also look for complementary qualities in a long-term love partner. But not any complementary qualities
