and proactive in making her life worthwhile. While life itself can deliver this realisation to a girl, leaving it to chance is a hazardous and unreliable way for it to happen. She might come to serious harm. Also, some people never grow up and their lives are self-absorbed and wasted; they drift in misery, blame everyone else and never take responsibility.
Girls have to be deliberately and proactively launched into healthy womanhood. When this is done well, the results are impressive. A girl takes charge of her life and makes her unique way in the world.
Each Stage Asks a Question
I hope you’ll find the five stages clear and easy to understand. Remember that each girl is different, so the stages can vary quite a lot according to at what age they happen. Also, they overlap, because nature is efficient and starts one lesson while the other is still finishing. I hope you can live with that!
The key point is that as your daughter completes each stage, she comes to a decision about her life, which is going to either help or harm her. For example, imagine a girlhood where all five stages go badly. This girl would arrive at the following five decisions:
1 Life is uncertain, and nobody loves me.
2 New ideas and things are frightening.
3 People can’t be trusted, and they are impossible to get along with.
4 I have nothing of value inside me, I am a nobody.
5 Growing up is just too hard. I don’t want to be an adult. I don’t have any power or any choice in what happens to me. Stuff just happens.
Those are pretty bad outcomes, but they are familiar to anyone who works with girls. Every parent can look at their daughter, and her friends, and other girls in their town and city, and see the results of these stages being lived out. Some girls will make it, some will not. The decisions that girls make at each stage are profound and life-altering.
Fortunately (in case you are now paralysed with fear!), these decisions are made little by little, combining many experiences, so we shouldn’t panic about always getting things right. The stages last for years and we get lots of chances.
As a parent, what matters is that you don’t give up. Loving your daughter and keeping on trying are what will get you through. And if your daughter is already past some of the stages and you feel that she didn’t really get the message, don’t despair, those decisions can often be remade later.
Of course, if you have a new little baby daughter and she is the reason you are reading this book, then you are lucky indeed. But at any age, if you have enough caring and motivation, then you can still put things right.
GIRLS DO IT DIFFERENTLY – AND FASTER
Girls develop more quickly than boys, especially in brain abilities. The oestrogen their body creates while still in the womb actually increases the rate of brain growth, and at birth they are many weeks ahead of boys.2
The difference increases in the first five or six years. Girls learn to speak whole sentences and control their fingers, to do neat drawings or even writing, six to twelve months sooner than boys. Girls are ready to start school about a year earlier than boys. Girls do not suffer as much separation anxiety as boys if they have to go to childcare – although this varies a lot with the individual child.
Girls enter puberty about two years sooner than boys do, turning into young women overnight when the boys seem to be standing still. And finally, they become adult sooner – girls’ brain development finishes several years before boys finally get there in their early twenties! It’s as if Nature says to girls: you’d better grow up ahead of the game, you will need your wits about you!
THINK OF YOUR OWN LIFE
If you are a mother, you have a huge advantage in raising a daughter – you used to be one. If you are a dad, it’s different, but daughters don’t expect their dads to be their mums, usually, so it’s all right, you have a different part to play that is just as important.
If you’re a mum reading this, think back to your own childhood. (It’s still worth doing this if you’re a dad, though the stages would have been somewhat different …)
Did you feel safe and secure when you were a baby? Were your parents in a good place in their lives and able to really love and enjoy you?
Were you encouraged to play, enjoy and explore the world around you? Did your parents have the time and interest to excite you and show you how good life was as a toddler?
When you went to school, did your parents help you and show you how to get along with others? Could they get along with others themselves? Could they look out for themselves but also respect the needs of others?
Did you find in your early teens that your unique interests were supported, or were people too busy?
Did you find in your mid-teens that you could get to know your own soul and connection to Nature and the universe, and be strengthened in this?
And finally, in your late teens, did you have a clear transition to being adult, where you felt that you took control of your own life, faced the consequences of your actions, and had a sense of power as well as a purpose?
Lots of questions, but you will quickly work out where you did okay and where things fell down. Perhaps that will help you know how to get it right for your daughter, and how important that is.
Using the Stages
You use the stages by asking, what age is our girl? What is the most likely big question that her life is asking, according to the stages listed above? (Always check with your own experience, rather than letting books or theories dictate your actions.) If your gut feeling is that this IS the stage she is in, you can organise the experiences and inputs to help her along. We will teach you how in the chapters to come.
Another use of the stages is ‘remedial’; you can pinpoint the earlier stages that she might have missed out on, due to difficult circumstances. The nature of human beings is that we can often recover things that we missed out on, by getting them down the track. For example, adopted children from terrible backgrounds can gradually find security with their new parents. Overprotected girls who are fearful can be challenged and coaxed to show more courage. Girls with no people skills can learn to get along better, and so on. Be open to the possibility that your daughter may be a certain age in years, and a far younger age in development, if she missed out due to life circumstance during the earlier parts of her ‘quest’.
CLINGY FOR A REASON
Gemma, aged ten, is very clingy and always needs cuddles and closeness from her mum.
At first, her mum finds this annoying, but then she remembers something – that she was very stressed and suffered depression when Gemma was a baby. She realises that Gemma, though really in Stage 3, is going back to complete her Stage 1
