go well, and
4. Fear – when there is danger.
Dads have to show real care in expressing feelings around their children. The reason for this is that dads and mums are the pillars of a child’s world. Children don’t want to see those pillars come tumbling down. So while they need to know and see when we are angry, scared, happy or sad, they also want to know that we can ‘hold’ those feelings. This means that we can be afraid, but not rattled; mad, but not dangerous; happy, but not stupid; and sad, but not overwhelmed or dismayed. They don’t really want to see us losing our grip. But they are touched and helped if we can shed a tear or honestly express anger or fear, because they have those emotions all the time.
Often, when men have an uncomfortable feeling, they will convert it into something more comfortable. Usually anger is the most comfortable feeling for men. When your little boy has got lost in the shopping centre or your teenager has taken a foolish risk, a father who can say, ‘I was scared’, has much more impact than one who yells and slams doors. If men act angry when they are really sad, scared or even happy, this can be pretty confusing for kids.
Boys are trying to match their inner sensations with outer ways of behaving, and they need us to show them how this is done.
Whatever happens in your marriage, don’t divorce your kids
Divorce is a huge blow to a father’s hopes and dreams for his children. Some men feel so grief-stricken that they ‘cut and run’. Others have to fight the system to stay in contact with their children. It’s vitally important – whatever happens to your marriage – that you stay in your children’s lives. More and more fathers are sharing parenting equally (or more) after divorce. I’ve talked to men who, after divorce, decided it would be simpler for the children if they didn’t maintain contact. They always profoundly regretted this decision.
SHOWING OUR FEELINGS
A few months ago, something happened that made me want to cry, and I hesitated, knowing my twelve-year-old son was in the room or close by. I’d just received a phone call telling me that a good friend had terminal cancer. I went into shock, put the phone down and began to fight back the tears. I walked into the living room, thinking: ‘Is this okay? Is this how I want my son to see me?’ The answer came back: ‘Of course, it’s good that he sees me like this.’
I asked my wife for a hug, and stood there holding her and sobbing. I felt my son’s approach and then his hand on my shoulder – he was comforting me! The three of us stood there hugging. It was wonderful, incredible to have things reversed like that.
Perhaps seeing me like that will mean that, when he needs to, he also will have access to the sweet release of tears. I don’t want him to be bottled up and volcanic when he meets the inevitable griefs of life. And I don’t think he will be. (A letter from Tony S.)
There are some great organisations for separated dads that have sprung up, which are mostly constructive and very helpful. Also divorce courts are now more aware that kids need fathers in their lives, and will work to make sure that contact is shared and maintained.
For your children’s sake, if your marriage comes to an end, learn to be polite and kind to your ex-partner, even if you don’t always feel it. Better still, work to preserve your partnership by giving that some time and attention too, before it’s too late.
Rough-and-tumble games: what’s really going on?
There’s a unique father behaviour that has been observed all over the world. Dads (along with big brothers, uncles and grandpas) love to wrestle and play rough-and-tumble games with little boys. They can hardly resist it. The men and the big boys get the little boys and throw them about. The little boys come running back and say, ‘Do it again!’ Sydney counsellor Paul Whyte puts it very plainly: ‘If you want to get along with boys, learn to wrestle!’
For a long time nobody understood why this was so – especially mothers, who are usually trying to calm things down, while dads seem likely to stir them up all over again! But it’s been found that what boys are learning in ‘rough and tumble’ is an essential lesson for all males: how to be able to have fun, get noisy, even get angry and, at the same time, know when to stop. For a male, living with testosterone, this is vital. If you live in a male body, you have to learn how to drive it.
The big male lesson: knowing when to stop
If you’ve ever wrestled with a little boy, say a three- or four-year-old, it always starts out happily enough. But often, after a minute or two, he ‘loses it’. He gets angry. His little jaw starts to jut out! He knits his eyebrows together and (if you haven’t spotted the warning signs yet) starts to get serious and hit out with knees and elbows. Ouch!
A dad who knows what he’s doing stops the action right there. ‘Hoooooold it! Stop!’ Then a little lecture takes place – not yelling, just calmly explaining. ‘Your body is precious [pointing at boy], and my body is precious too. We can’t play this game if somebody might get hurt. So we need a few rules – like, no elbowing and no kneeing or punching! Do you understand? Can you handle it?’ (Here’s a tip: always say ‘Can you handle it?’ rather than ‘Will you keep to the rules?’, which sounds kind of wimpish. No boy is going to say ‘No’ to a question like ‘Can you handle it?’.)
Then you re-commence. The boy is learning a most important life skill – self-control. He’s learning that he can be strong and excited, but can also choose where and when to back off. For males, this is very important. In adult life, a man will usually be stronger than his wife or partner. He must know how to not ‘lose it’, especially when he is angry, tired and frustrated.
For a marriage to survive, it is sometimes necessary for partners to stand nose to nose, while saying some really honest stuff. This is called ‘truth time’ – the time when disputes that have been building up get aired and cleared up. (We wrote a book about this called The Making of Love.)
A woman can’t have this kind of honest and intense discussion with a man unless she feels absolutely safe with him. She needs to know she will never be hit, and he needs to know in himself that he won’t hit. (In some marriages, it’s the woman who is the violent one, the woman who needs to make this commitment.)
A real man is one who is in charge of himself and his behaviour. A real man can be furiously angry, and yet you feel utterly safe standing right next to him. That’s a tough call. But it begins in this small way, play-wrestling on the back lawn.
Dads can do this, uncles, friends, even mums (though mums don’t enjoy it quite as much).
WHAT FATHERS DO
