is often quite lonely.
We both benefited from a parenting course. The best things we learnt were: use ‘I messages’ (like ‘I was scared when you didn’t come home at the agreed time. I need you to make agreements you can keep.’) instead of ‘You are unreliable and useless! You had better come home or else!’; also, how to listen to kids’ problems, so they can talk them over, instead of jumping in with advice.
We are a lot happier now, and Matt is a sociable and pleasant young man, instead of a surly boy. It’s important never to give up with your kids. Keep learning and getting help if you are stuck. You can always improve things if you try. Kids really need you to keep communicating with them.
You don’t have to have all the answers
When I was a young man, I studied martial arts in my spare time. I was pretty bad at it, but I liked the idea of being able to defend myself and others. Perhaps I would get a chance to rescue a beautiful maiden. The one time I got mugged though, the mugger didn’t use any of the attacks I had learnt to defend. I remember thinking, ‘Damn, I wish he would attack me the way I was taught! (Luckily the mugger had terrible timing, and some police actually came round the corner and arrested him in the act.)
Being a father is rather like this. We men think we have to be completely prepared; or worse, we think that if we don’t know what to do, there’s something wrong with us. But parenthood is all about stuffing up. That’s how you learn. Kids keep changing, each kid is different, and it’s only by stuffing up that you get it right. The trick is to keep wide awake and see what works, and change if it doesn’t.
As our kids reach new ages and create new challenges, we inevitably lose the plot at times. Can they stay at their new friend’s place overnight?, Is that film suitable for them to watch?, What is a fair consequence for this misbehaviour? … Sometimes it’s a difficult call.
What to do? If you don’t have an answer on the spot, then it’s okay to stall. The best thing to do is simply talk it over with your partner or a friend. If you are both stuck, talk it over with other parents. My kids know that if they hassle me, I am more likely to give an unfavourable decision, so they have become more careful! But if I genuinely don’t know what to do or say, I reply, ‘Well, I’m not happy about it, but I’ll sleep on it and we’ll talk some more tomorrow.’ As long as you always follow up, this response works well. Family life is a work in progress. You only get in trouble if you ‘have to be right’ and you ‘have to show them who’s boss’. If you are human, it goes much better.
Finding the balance is hard
It’s okay to be unpopular with your kids once or twice a day! If you have lots of good time together and a long history of care and involvement to draw on, then you have goodwill saved up, like money in the bank. Sometimes dads are around so little, they want it all to be smooth sailing when they are there. But kids need to know when they do something wrong. It can be hard to find that middle point between hard and soft. Maybe it’s about being clear, and not about using power or force at all.
I have a friend, Paul, who is very close to his kids – I admire and envy how natural a father he is. But he too gets it wrong sometimes. Paul told me once how he ‘lost it’ with his twelve-year-old son after a nightmare day at work. He exploded over some small thing and sent the boy off to his bedroom, yelling at him as he went. The son deserved hardly any of this, the yelling was louder than was necessary, the boy was wincing in fear – it was a disaster.
Paul stood for minutes, ashamed and red-faced at what he had done. He realised it had to be fixed. He went and sat on the boy’s bed. He apologised. The boy said nothing, just lay face down on the bed. But ten minutes later, the father was in the bathroom. The boy walked past him on the way to brush his teeth and get ready for bed. As he passed, he uttered some words that touched his father’s heart in a most unforgettable way: ‘Why is it so hard to hate you?’
Dads do matter
Even today, after a whole revolution in fathers’ roles, people still ask: do dads matter? Can’t mothers do it all?
The research supporting the importance of dads is overwhelmingly clear. Boys with absent fathers, or with problem fathers, are statistically more likely to be violent, get hurt, get into trouble, do poorly in school, and be members of teenage gangs in adolescence. They are less likely to progress to university or have a good career. They marry less successfully, and are less effective fathers themselves. A good mum can make up for not having a father around, but it’s really, really hard work.
Fatherless daughters are more likely to have low self-esteem, to have sex before they really want to, to get pregnant young, be assaulted or abused, and not continue their schooling. Families without men are usually poorer, and children of these families are likely to move downwards on the socio-economic ladder. Is that enough to convince you?
Fathering is the best thing you are ever likely to do – for your own satisfaction and joy, and for its effect on the future of other human beings. And it’s good fun.
DADS AND DAUGHTERS
It’s not the topic of this book, but in case this is the only parenting book you ever read, here is something about girls. Mothers are the security blanket for daughters, their major support system, but dads are the self-esteem department. This is because for most girls, the opposite sex is important, and you are their practice person for the opposite sex.
For this reason, you sometimes have five times the power your spouse has to either bless or wound your daughter. Think of it like a sword: you can either cut, or place it gently on her shoulder and say, ‘Arise, Princess’!
So don’t ever, whatever you do, criticise her looks, her weight, or any aspect of her appearance. Not ever. You can debate what clothes she might wear if they are too revealing, but even here get her mother’s help.
What you can do is spend time with her at sports, activities, even just driving her places, and above all, talk and be interested. Go to a movie with her, stop for a coffee and a chat when you shop together. A dad who is close to his daughter is so good for her, because he becomes the yardstick by which she measures boys. It’s as if she knows she is interesting, intelligent and worthwhile. Boys have to measure up to this – which eliminates 80 percent of them right off! This has to be a good investment!
IN A NUTSHELL
Make the time to be a dad. In society today, men are often little more than walking wallets. You have to fight to be a real father to your kids.
Be active with your children – talk, play, make things, go on trips together. Take every chance you can to interact.
Sometimes A(Attention) Deficit Disorder is actually D(Dad) Deficit Disorder.
Share the discipline with your partner. Often your son will respond more readily to you – not from fear, but from respect and wanting to please you. Don’t hit or frighten boys – it just makes them
