local football game (which is about the right amount of time for us) and get in for free. We generally sit down by the fence, close enough to feel the earth and air move as the players surge past. Tom takes great pleasure in telling me who the players are and the rules, and I notice he often tells me the details he knows will interest me, like something about their lives outside football! The action is great, so vigorous and determined. The atmosphere at the historic ground is friendly and excited, a bubble of warmth on a cold afternoon. So different to watching it on the telly! It’s an urban adventure.
Boys often need help in connecting with things – a piece of work at school, with using the library, computers, newspapers, encyclopedias. Help them to organise their homework, partition the task into ‘do-able’ chunks, set realistic goals and help them to get there. Make the task smaller so they can relate to it, so they don’t feel overwhelmed and give up. At the same time, don’t take over – make sure they have the joy of their own achievement.
Expand your boys’ awareness, By walking, talking, noticing things, collecting things; by seeing how a tree changes with the seasons, or how a building project is developing. Show them how food happens – planning the purchases, choosing the fruit, the preparation and enjoyment of new foods. Involve them in planning family events and holidays. Show them how to combine their interests with those of others when planning.
Make sure they get enough sleep and a balance of social and quiet time. This is basic but critical. Embrace bedtime rituals, stories, cuddles, tickling on the back, whatever, so they feel safe, loved and at peace. A shared repertoire of favourite stories is invaluable.
Finally, you can really help your sons by supporting their relationship with their father. Fathers may not foresee and plan in the way you do, and this may limit their opportunities to what is nearest at hand. Gentle reminders can be appreciated. Put good men in the path of your son – a groovy music teacher, a valued handyman, a friend’s brother. Speak to them about good men, their qualities, and what you notice about how they act in different situations.
Recall their past – tell them what beautiful babies they were, what their births meant to you, what rays of sunshine they are in your life.
A deep harmony … a beautiful boy.
With warm wishes
JT
LITTLE BOYS’ BODIES
Penises and testicles are a bit of a mystery to mothers. Here are a doctor’s answers to some questions mothers commonly ask:
Q: Should my son have two testicles visible?
A: By the time of the ‘six-week check’ that all babies should get from the Child Health sister or doctor, both testicles should be able to be seen.
Q: Is it okay to touch his penis to wash it?
A: Of course! You have to wash around the penis and testicles when changing nappies and in the bath. Once out of nappies, a little boy can wash his own penis while you supervise.
Q: Should I pull back the foreskin to keep his penis really clean?
A: This is not necessary, in fact it’s not a good idea at all. At this age the foreskin is adhered to the end of the penis. Toddlers naturally pull back their foreskin little by little, and at about three or four years of age you will notice that it retracts. At the age of four, you can tell him from time to time in the bath to pull it back and wash around the end of the penis. Show him how to leave the foreskin back until he is dry after a shower, and how to pull the foreskin back when having a wee so as to keep urine from staying underneath it.
Q: My son pulls and stretches his penis or pushes his finger inside it. Is this okay?
A: Basically children won’t damage themselves, because if it hurts they’ll soon stop! Penises are a little fascinating to their owners, feel comforting to hold, and this is fine. Don’t make a fuss about it.
Q: My son often holds onto his penis to stop himself weeing. Is that harmful?
A: Most boys do this. Girls have strong pelvic muscles that can hold back their wee without anyone knowing they’re doing it. Boys are made differently, and can’t do this. So if they need to do a wee but are too engrossed in playing, they will often ‘hang on’. Encourage them to take a toilet break!
Q: What name should we call our child’s penis?
A: Call a penis a penis. Don’t make up silly names for it.
Q: When boys are a little older, they sometimes get hit in the testicles during games. What should I do?
A: Testicles are very sensitive – that’s why all the men crouch over in sympathy if someone gets hit in the crotch during a cricket match. But usually there is no lasting damage. Go with your boy to a private spot and check him out gently. If there is severe pain, swelling, bleeding, bruising, or if pain continues to make him cry for a long time, or if he vomits, then get him straight to a doctor. Otherwise just let him sit quietly and recover. If tenderness continues after a few hours, have him checked by a doctor.
If you are in any doubt on these questions, talk to your doctor. It’s always best to be on the safe side.
Always encourage children to be careful of each other’s bodies. Challenge your son or daughter strongly if they think harming other kids is funny or trivial. Come down hard on games that involve grabbing or hitting people in the genitals. Some TV shows treat these injuries as a joke, which they are not. Being hit in the genitals is about as funny as being hit in the breasts, and testicles are far more sensitive.
(Our thanks to Dr Nick Cooling for this information.)
AT THE SHOPS
Julie and her son Ben, aged eight, were in town to do some supermarket shopping. Just outside the shop they saw two girls from Ben’s class at school, sitting on the bench. Ben gave a cheery ‘Hi’ to the girls, but instead of saying ‘Hi’ back, both girls just looked at the ground and giggled!
Julie and Ben finished their shopping and went on down the street. Julie noticed that Ben was rather quiet, and asked how he was going. ‘Oh, I’m fine,’ said Ben (who, after all, is an Australian male and obliged to say this!).
Julie wasn’t put off. ‘Did it upset you that those girls just laughed and didn’t say hello?’
‘Umm … yes,’ admitted Ben.
Julie thought for a moment before replying. ‘Hmm, well I don’t know if it helps, but I remember being a girl in Third Grade. You did have your favourite boy. But it was kind of awkward. If he spoke to you, especially if you had friends around, you might get embarrassed. So you just might giggle to cover it up. I don’t know if that fits here or not.’
Ben didn’t say anything, but he seemed to be walking taller all of a sudden!
‘Anyhow,
