to be seen to be looking after ‘Number One’. They are very willing and able to look after others in need whenever they can. This is because their self-care is so good that they have energy to spare and they know they can comfortably say ‘no’ or ‘no more’ when they need do so.
– even though they are sure that they have adequate knowledge and skills for the tasks they undertake. They freely admit their limitations. This is because they do not wish to ‘set themselves up’ for failure and are not threatened by others having superior skills in certain areas.
– even though they are comfortable spending time alone and do not need the company of others to make them happy or motivated. They have good relationships. This is because they have the skills to initiate the relationships they want and, if things go wrong, they can be openly confrontative and will willingly negotiate or walk away should they need to do so.
– even though they may seem satisfied with their financial and material ‘lot’. They may live quite modestly. This is because they are not prepared to sacrifice their health and happiness to earn more than they need and they don’t need to impress others with a show of wealth.
– even though they perform with excellence at whatever they do and have the potential to achieve more. They may choose to stay at the lower end of society’s ladders. They may even decide to ‘downshift’ and back-pedal in their careers. This is because they may not want to take, or continue along, the road to high achievement. They do not need to ‘prove themselves’ through work or positions of power and fame.
Are We Born Confident?
Well, until someone shows me a baby who is not confident, I will remain convinced that we are! Babies show no signs of doubting their rights to get what they want and they will stretch to their limits to get what they want and need. Freud, the great father of psychology, used the phrase ‘His majesty, the baby’. Any of us who has experienced looking after babies knows just what he means!
But, of course, our genes do play some part in how our confidence subsequently develops. Because they affect the ‘architecture’ and biochemical make-up of our brains and bodies, they do play a role in determining our
• dominant personality style whether we are basically an extrovert or introvert for example
• temperament as in whether we are inclined towards being ‘fiery’ or ‘placid’
• predisposition for certain mental health problems whether we are likely to respond to stress with depressive or hypo-manic style illnesses or develop some addictive or compulsive behaviour.
The important point to remember is that none of these pre-determining factors is intrinsically bad for our confidence. It is just the way that they are handled, especially in our early formative years, that can (and very commonly does) cause a problem. I have met many introverted people, as I am sure you must have, who have a happy and successful life being ‘quietly confident’. They have learned to manage their shyness, perhaps by having a career which gives them plenty of opportunity to work successfully on their own and having a satisfying social life with just a few close friends.
| It is how our genetic inheritance is nurtured and managed that will determine our level of confidence. |
Equally, in my years working in psychiatric hospitals I have met many people with psychiatric illnesses, but not a hint of a problem with their confidence.
Even if such people are exceptions rather than the rule, it is important to remember their example.
In contrast, holding on to the belief that lack of confidence is caused by our inheritance is depowering, and also lets all those responsible for knocking our confidence get away with impunity.
People who use lack of confidence as an excuse may say:
| I can’t help it – it’s just the way I am. |
Irresponsible or ‘ignorant’ parents can look at their children with a kind of detached interest and say, for example:
| She must have inherited a stray gene from somewhere because she is so unlike me. She’s always been quiet. I can see she’s got more of her father’s blood than her sister has. He’s a born worrier, so I know exactly how she’s going to turn out. She’s a carbon copy of her mother – her mother always hated making a fuss. |
And at work, bullying bosses can look at their quaking staff and say:
| There’s no point in sending you off for Assertiveness Training. Once a doormat, always a doormat. Get yourselves new jobs. |
YOUR PERSONAL HISTORY
Use this questionnaire to help you identify some of the factors that may have influenced your self-confidence.
Your Mother and Father
