experiences gradually eroded my inner confidence, but the world saw an intelligent, capable girl who appeared to be infinitely adaptable and deservingly proud of her ‘Good Conduct’ badges. My unconscious, however, sent out signals of distress and extreme lack of confidence. I failed the exam I needed to get into the secondary school of my choice, against all expectations, but there had been no school counsellor or psychologist around to interpret these failures.
By the time I was in my teens, my father had remarried and managed, after a long struggle, to get us out of care and give us a taste of a ‘normal’ family life. But the damage had been done. My mask of confidence and competence had become me. For many years I was even able to kid myself. It was not until my early twenties that the mask began to slip. The first serious depression was treated – very inadequately – by a psychiatrist who arranged an emergency short stay in a mental hospital.
Paying the Price
I then embarked on a disastrous lifestyle, which only those people whose self-esteem is rock bottom seem capable of sustaining. Being a woman, this meant that I slid into relationships with men who overpowered me. I used manipulation and guile, so skilfully developed in my childhood, to get back at the people who hurt me. I chose work (in a helping profession, of course!), to which I was totally unsuited. I failed miserably at it, as a result. In shame, I began to isolate myself socially, spending days and nights locked away on my own.
As my ‘outer confidence’ disintegrated, so I was faced with the blackness of my inner self, and the predictable happened – I made a pathetic attempt to take my life. This was the turning point for me; I decided that I did want to live and that I did want to change. I was fortunate to be referred for psychotherapy to an amazing woman, to whom I have dedicated this book and who has remained a close friend throughout the rest of my life. She opened up the pathway to my new life.
The Road to Recovery
It has taken me very many years to reach the point where I can truly describe myself as a ‘confident woman’ but today I am certainly being rewarded for the struggle. I have a very full life which I thoroughly enjoy. I have family and friends whom I love and who love me. I have work which I find stimulating and satisfying and am confidently planning a future which looks exciting and challenging.
I have told my story because it has given me ‘belief’. For many years, I feared telling the story because I mistakenly thought that people might lose trust in me as a therapist if they knew the ‘truth’ about my background. Of course, I now know that I was wrong and I know that this very personal experience of such problems has given me invaluable knowledge and strength which enables me to give more effective help to others who need to work on their difficulties.
OTHER PEOPLE’S EXPERIENCES
Hopefully, not many of you reading this will have experienced such extreme problems, so your road to confidence should be shorter and less bumpy than my own. The vast majority of people with whom I work are able to feel the benefits of confidence-building almost immediately. The following quotes are from some people who have attended courses:
| The course has shaken me out of apathy and despair and, at last, I have some energy for me. I am sick of being a martyr. The fact that I now know that I can handle criticism has transformed my relationships at work. My boss is even a bit more respectful! You’ll be pleased to know that when I got back from the course, I applied for three new jobs. I can’t say that I now like giving presentations, but I can now handle them. The fear of giving one doesn’t dominate my thoughts for days before the event. I have now left my boyfriend because I now know the kind of relationship I want, I am determined to find it. I’ve joined a dating agency! I’ve stopped letting the kids walk all over me and we now have a cleaning and cooking rota. |
At one time all these people, like me, would never have believed such changes (however minor) were possible in themselves or their lives.
FINDING THE MOTIVATION
Many people think that we have to get to ‘rock bottom’ before we can really find the motivation to change. That misunderstanding has arisen from observation of ‘real life’ because that is so often what does happen. Because change feels uncomfortable, we tend to wait until a crisis occurs before we face the need for it. There are several reasons why it doesn’t make sense to wait for the crisis, for example:
The crisis might be overwhelming, leaving you few resources and no energy.
You may never reach crisis point. Many people don’t; they jog along in second gear for the whole of their lives leaving a trail of ‘if onlys’ behind them.
Any behaviour change is effected more swiftly if small steps are taken, when anxiety levels are manageable. The mood of desperation which most crises generate is not conductive to confidence-building.
So, by all means fantasize about the potentially disastrous effect your lack of confidence might have on the pattern of your life … but act now!
ACQUIRING INSIGHT
In an earlier chapter, I have already argued the importance of understanding how our particular personality developed, but it is also important that we become acutely aware of our current feelings and our behaviour. This will require:
• A detailed analysis of how you see yourself
• Feedback from people to gain an awareness of how others see you.
I will discuss this further later and there are several practical exercises which will help you acquire more insight.
SETTING REALISTIC GOALS
People lacking in confidence are experts at setting themselves up for failure. I have already shared my own former skills in this area! Perhaps some of these quotes will ring a few bells!
| Only someone as daft as me would have got involved with someone like him. I knew from the start that this job wasn’t for me, but I thought as he suggested it, I’d better give it a try. Well, I suppose I knew I had it coming to me. |
The secret is to aim at getting a balance between ‘playing it safe’ and aiming too high and this is often best achieved by taking small steps first. In this way we have a chance of some success and will get encouragement from the good feeling and rewards which that will bring.
GETTING PRACTICE
Becoming confident will require you to learn new skills and these, unfortunately, do not come neatly packaged and ready for use. At first our new behaviour will seem strange and unfamiliar to us. For example, becoming confident often requires you to learn a new ‘language’, a new way of expressing yourself. At
