with two adults confidently asserting their needs and feelings to each other?
How did they relate to the rest of the world?
Did they perhaps ‘hide their lights under bushels’, ‘put on an act’ or were they just themselves?
Your Position in the Family
Were you an only child, the eldest or the youngest?
Were you, for example, given responsibility for looking after younger children?
Were you ‘babied’ or were you treated as ‘piggy-in-the-middle’ with no special role?
Brothers and Sisters
What was their attitude towards you?
Were you someone to look up to or were you a threat or someone to be bullied?
How successful were they?
Were you encouraged to feel competitive with them?
Your Teachers at School
Did you feel more confident with some than with others?
Were you ever ‘teacher’s pet’?
Were you picked on or taken for granted?
How were you disciplined?
Was corporal punishment used?
Your Friends
Were you bullied, ignored or welcomed into ‘the gang’?
Did you keep the same friends for a long time or did you have to keep changing them, perhaps because you moved frequently?
Your Position in Society
Were you from a privileged or underprivileged background?
Could you count on receiving the basic necessities of life?
Were you discriminated against?
Were you expected to do better, or worse than most people?
Your Lifestyle
Was it sheltered or were you constantly ‘in the limelight’ and forced to socialize or compete?
Did you experience many changes and upheavals?
Did you travel very much?
Your Religion
Was it the kind of religion which made you feel good about yourself?
Was it full of foreboding or was it optimistic about this life on earth?
Did it regard some individuals as more equal than others?
Were men given more responsibility, or perhaps privileges, than women?
Traumatic Events
Were you physically or emotionally abused at any time?
Were you brought up in a peaceful society?
Did you lose any important people, jobs or possessions in your life, through no fault of your own?
I have met many hundreds of people suffering with problems of confidence and as yet, I have not met anyone whose problems could not be traced back, to some substantial degree, to their childhood or other important formative experiences.
What Is the Point of Looking Back?
If we look back we will begin to understand.
Some people may need to take longer than others to find the clues. For example, some parents are sophisticated enough to know the ‘right’ way to bring children up and this may seem very praiseworthy on the surface. But then children can feel doubly guilty for not being confident and successful.
Hunting for the double messages, the hidden jealousies, and disguised ‘put-downs’ may be time-consuming, but it is important because it helps us to accept that our lack of confidence is not an integral part of us – it is a learned response. It was learned when we were powerless and were right to feel threatened.
with two adults confidently asserting their needs and feelings to each other?
