soon I will be able to switch to ‘automatic pilot’, just as I have done with French. Until I feel a little more at ease with the language, I am choosing to speak to my tape recorder, in the privacy of my own home.
There is nothing shameful or ‘silly’ about practising your new confident behaviour in the bath, or in front of a mirror. If you have access to audio-visual equipment you may find rehearsing in front of the camera good practice. Alternatively, you could try role-playing with the help for a sympathetic friend, self-help group or counsellor.
FINDING SUPPORT
There is nothing like working through a confidence-building programme to find out who your true friends are! You have to find friends who want you to change and will encourage and support you.
Remember that if people ‘like you the way you are’ they must be getting some reward for themselves through your lack of confidence. Maybe you make them feel more powerful, maybe they stand a better chance of promotion, maybe they do not have to bother to change their behaviour if you are not complaining – or maybe they just get a ‘kick’ out of abusing you! You could have been told that your new behaviour is bossy, selfish, or unfeminine or unmanly. If you judge that it is not, and want to continue, you may have to choose new friends.
REAPING THE REWARDS
Learning theory has taught us that we acquire new skills faster and more efficiently if we are rewarded when we achieve, rather than punished when we do not. Most unconfident people will have experienced their fair share of punishment, both from others and from themselves. Getting rewards will be a relatively new experience.
In the early stages of learning a new skill, we may not get sufficient rewards from the ‘outside world’ to allay our anxieties. So, we must learn to reward ourselves. This may mean treating yourself to a special night out or a present if you have tried to do something which you know was very risky for you, even though to others the action may have seemed very ordinary. For example, you may have set yourself the task of striking up three conversations at a party. The people who are with you may not appreciate your achievement, and so will not think to say ‘Well done’.
Equally we may not get immediate rewards because the task which we have chosen to use our new-found skills on may be very complex and long-term. You may be very tempted to give up when you hear people say: ‘Don’t bother; it’s not worth it. Life’s too short. It’s best to keep the peace.’
As you become more confident, your life will begin to change and become more exciting and satisfying. Then there will be no shortage of rewards!
| WHAT CAN HELP YOU • belief • self-help • practice • support • rewards WHAT CAN HINDER YOU • martyrdom • cynicism • mystique • fantasy • fear |
Many famous people from various walks of life who appear to possess an enviable amount of confidence have disclosed that they had an inner struggle to achieve their outstanding success. Keira Knightley, David Bowie, Lady Gaga, Eddie Murphy, Nicole Kidman, Kate Moss, JK Rowling, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet and Richard Branson are just a few examples of such celebrities who have battled with issues of low self-belief and extreme anxiety. Others have found the strain of living up to their super-confident image just too great. Through the media, we all know of examples of many highly talented and hard-working successful people who have resorted to drugs and alcohol to help get them through and whose lives subsequently have ended in tragedy.
And this is of course true and just as tragic for many other people who are not in the public eye. This is why inner confidence is just as important as outer confidence.
The two main keys to feeling good inwardly are:
1. SELF-KNOWLEDGE
2. SELF-LOVE
We shall look at how we can improve the first in this chapter, and then deal with the second in the following one.
Why Knowing Yourself Is Important
If you have a tendency to feel that time spent working in this area would be ‘self-indulgent’, just think of the following advantages we stand to gain if we become fully acquainted with ourselves and our potential:
We feel more in control – We are able to relax and are less prone to getting unpleasant shocks about ourselves, for example, ‘Oh, I surprised myself, I didn’t think I could be so nasty (or frightened, or weak)’.
We can use our time effectively – For example, we can choose to spend more time doing things we are good at, or learn to improve those areas which we are weakest in, we can set realistic goals for ourselves.
We can protect ourselves – If we acknowledge that we have a particular weakness, we can make allowances for this and we will be better able to defend ourselves from both fair and unfair criticism.
| ‘Oh no, I wouldn’t know where to start . . . It’s too complex, and anyway, I’m always changing’. |
Let’s consider some of the common arguments people tend to use to convince themselves that they do not wish to acquire more self-knowledge, for example: ‘I am afraid that when I start delving, I will get some unpleasant surprises and I will end up not liking myself’.
This is a very understandable fear because confidence is so highly valued in our society. Consequently, those who lack it may well have doubts about their own self-worth. These are likely to have been fostered and reinforced by important people in their lives who may have been, or may still be, treating them as ‘lesser mortals’. My experience is that embarking on a voyage of self-discovery is highly rewarding for these people, and full of very pleasant surprises. Strengths and virtues may have been obliterated previously by doubt and anxiety. For people lacking in confidence, the process of getting to know yourself better usually means uncovering and reclaiming parts of yourself which you truly admire and value. For many people I have known, this has meant finding their buried creativity and sensuality.
People who make this kind of excuse are often admitting that their real fear is that introspection will send them mad. The reason for this fear is that they often actually feel a little ‘mad’, that is, not in control of their feelings and behaviour. They cannot, for example, understand why they suddenly ‘dried up’ in the middle of a speech or an interview, or why they should have felt intimidated by someone they considered their match. In fact, having ‘insight’ (to use the more technical name for self-awareness), would in most psychiatrists’ eyes, be a contraindication of madness. The more self-knowledge we have, the more control we can exert over our feelings and behaviour.
Of
