considerable impact on us and our lives, but we need to feel that we have some control over the way we are being influenced. Confident people are continually adapting and changing, according to the different situations and relationships they are experiencing, but they do not lose a sense of their own ‘core identity’. They do not feel overwhelmed or supremely anxious, because they feel in charge of this changing process. People who lack confidence, on the other hand, either tend to stick rigidly to one persona or use markedly different faces for every situation, so you are often not quite sure who you are going to meet! They know that the faces which they use are often inappropriate for certain situations, but they feel unable to control their behaviour.
| ‘There’s no point in finding out who I am, or what I want, because you can’t control other people, or change what fate has in store for you.’ |
Feeling powerless is central to problems of confidence. People who feel this way have almost certainly been abused by someone or by some people who took advantage of them when they were actually powerless. The most effective way that I know of, for changing this kind of thinking, is to identify the culprits, as we began to do in the last chapters (see here).
Discovering Your Identity
So, assuming that you are now convinced of the value of gaining more self-knowledge, it will be helpful to start by asking yourself the following questions:
WHAT KIND OF PERSON AM I?
One of the most difficult aspects of my job is that I am often asked to write references for people. Summing up someone’s personality, aptitudes and skills, usually on one sheet of paper, is an awesome task, but I imagine that most of us would experience even greater difficulty if we were asked to perform a similar exercise on ourselves!
Most people when asked to describe themselves, begin to talk about the ‘roles’ they have in life, for example, a teacher; a mother of two boys; a tennis player; a housewife.
A good way to start some self-discovery is to analyse how we are commonly behaving, feeling and thinking when we are ‘playing’ certain roles in our everyday life. As an example, let’s look at how I analysed two of my own major roles when writing the first edition of this book.
My Role as ‘Mother’
• My behaviour – Looking after; encouraging; teaching; listening; learning; cooking; homemaking
• My feelings – warm; loving; protective; frustrated; angry; happy; excited; puzzled; satisfied
• My thoughts – Wondering how other mothers do it; judging rights and wrongs; planning the future; remembering nostalgic memories of the past; comparing my childhood to that of my children; wondering if I am being too protective
My Role as Therapist
• My behaviour – Listening; encouraging; teaching; giving information; leading; following; confronting
• My feelings – Caring; warm; excited; interested; satisfied; relieved; frustrated
• My thoughts – planning; looking at different possibilities; comparing; wondering if I am being effective
Perhaps you will have noticed that certain themes keep cropping up, such as my caring behaviour, my habit of comparing myself to other people, and my feelings of excitement and frustration. This gives me a clue to the kind of person I was being at that time (rather than the kind of person I thought I was or wanted to be!). Since that time my life-style and my roles have changed. This has happened partly because ‘Fate’ has given me new paths to follow, but also because I have chosen actively to develop certain sides of me and subdue others. As a result, my confidence has grown even more and my old habit of comparing myself to others barely surfaces.
1. List two or three major roles which you are currently playing in your life and give honest examples of your common behaviours, thoughts and feelings.
2. List the common themes.
3. Grade the following list of values for yourself. (This is harder to do than you may think, but useful because we often do have to choose between two values when we are making everyday decisions.)
4. Choose two significant people in your life and imagine how they might grade these values. (Being confident often involves having to negotiate with others over which value should have priority.)
5. Put a mark beside any of these values which you regard as non-negotiable, and add any others which you would also include in this category.
honesty loyalty self-fulfilment independence mutual caring self-discipline
WHAT ARE MY STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES?
Confident people are aware of both their good points and their bad points and feel comfortable about other people knowing these, too. I have found that the people attending my courses can much more easily share the latter than the former!
Unfortunately, for many people, it still seems socially unacceptable to share their strengths openly with each other. For example, even in this competitive age, when you look through most job applications, you notice a marked tendency for people – especially women – to ‘play safe’ by underselling themselves. This tendency can also be noted in the personal columns of papers where people advertise hoping to find friends and partners. Here, humour is very often used as a cover for the embarrassment of declaring your virtues openly to the world.
People lacking in confidence have usually had an extra-strong dose of ‘hide-your-light-under-a-bushel’ messages programmed into them and they often need an extra-strong antidote to counteract that! The boasting exercises on here and here are most effective and a good boost for anyone who feels their self-esteem needs the occasional ‘recharge’. And don’t worry, I have never known anyone ‘overdose’ on them yet, or, indeed, become permanently addicted! Practise them until you can openly relate your strengths in a relaxed manner, using a strong, clear voice without becoming giggly or crippled by other awkward behaviours.
Similarly, practise the exercises on here, which will help you to assertively own your faults and weaknesses. They will help you to be more accepting and forgiving of yourself. I have found that most people lacking in confidence have impossible expectations of themselves. They often demand nothing less than perfection from themselves and are consumed with guilt for not living up to these exacting standards. Interestingly, they also have a tendency to expect these standards from people they have designated as their ‘models’ of confidence. As someone who frequently finds herself in this position, I would like to say that it is very tiring, standing up on that pedestal unless, of course, you really are made of stone!
In addition, these exercises will provide a very good foundation from which
