and career terms.’
Smiles take much less effort than frowns, involve far less muscular tension, and are more instantaneous and spontaneous. The universe even rewards us for smiling! When we smile, the ‘smiling reflex’ boosts our production of endorphins, the body’s natural energizers and pain-killers.
It is now time for your first Social Workout – to be approached with a smile on your face!
Social Workout
Smile and the World Smiles With You
Recently a witty little poem on smiling appeared on the Internet. I have slightly adjusted it, and recommend that you read it, pass it on, and immediately begin practising what it suggests!
Smiling is infectious; you catch it like the flu,
When someone smiled at me today, I started smiling too.
I passed around the corner and someone saw my grin
And when he smiled I realized I’d passed it on to him.
I thought about that smile and then I realized its worth,
A single smile, one just like mine, could travel round the earth.
So if you feel a smile begin, don’t leave it undetected:
Let’s start an epidemic quick, and get the world infected!
Smile First
Make sure that you greet people with a smile. People remember first impressions most strongly, so this will be what they remember of you. This is called the Primacy Effect, or the principle of ‘First Things First’, which we will explore in more detail in Chapter 4. Smiling will get the social interaction off to a positive and uplifting start. You will be gently taking control of the meeting in a ‘win-win’ way.
Make Your Actions Congruent with Your Words
When you are describing things, allow your body to be the natural musical instrument and artist that it is. Make sounds that mimic what you are describing. With your hands sculpt the objects and scenes you are describing.
Check for Congruence/Incongruence in Others
Check for the congruence between what people’s words are saying and what their bodies are saying. You will often find that they are completely opposite. You can practise this Social Intelligence muscle when watching television, especially news and advertisements. Keep a note of some of the more blatant examples of incongruence – they make good conversation pieces themselves!
One extremely amusing instance of incongruent actions occurred when I was at a cocktail party.
I noticed that two businessmen who were supposed to be negotiating with each other were doing an extraordinary dance. Every time one of them moved towards the other, the second almost immediately moved away. It was as if they were two similar poles of a magnet, where the repelling force prevented them from ever making contact. No matter how hard the first tried to get closer, which he was obviously trying to do, the second always moved away. On and on they went, until they had snaked and zig-zagged their way around the entire room!
They were obviously making each other extremely uncomfortable, and not understanding why.
Later on in the evening, I asked them, separately, where they came from. As you might expect, the first one stood very close to me, the second at some considerable distance!
You will not be surprised to learn that the first one came from New York, where closeness to people is part of everyday life, and the second from a vast ranch in Texas, where close contact was very rare.
Being aware of people’s different ‘comfort zone’ is a very important part of Social Intelligence. If you can make people feel comfortable by not invading their personal space, they will immediately be more willing to talk to and spend time with you.
Meeting and Greeting With Feeling
Be particularly alert to body language when you are meeting and greeting people. Remember the two scenarios you imagined before (see here) and the extreme positions your body took. Most people will be somewhere between the two.
Once again become the body-language-detective, and quickly assess the many non-verbal messages that are being given during those first vital moments.
If shaking hands, play close attention to the energy of the hand you are shaking – it can speak volumes. In the same way, make sure that your own handshake is firm (not too firm!) and welcoming. Make sure you make eye contact with the other person. Brief eye contact acknowledges the other person as being of interest to you – which will make them more interested in you!
Use Appropriate Gestures of Affection
Some cultures use hugs and embraces much more than others. In Russia, for example, hugs are a normal part of greeting people, whereas in Britain, people tend to be more reserved.
Psychiatrist Dr Harold Falk has listed some of the benefits of hugging: ‘Hugging can lift depression, enabling the body’s immunization system to become tuned up. Hugging breathes fresh life into tired bodies and makes you feel younger and more vibrant.’
In support of this, Helen Colton, author of The Joy of Touching, points out that the haemoglobin in your blood increases significantly when you are touched and hugged. As it is the haemoglobin that carries the vital supplies of oxygen to your heart, brain and body, hugging can be seen both as a life-giver and a life-saver, as well as a wonderful expression of Social Intelligence and confidence.
Mirror Talk
Before any social meeting, check yourself – ideally in a full-length mirror. Rather than just casually checking yourself and your appearance, imagine that you are the Costume Director and Producer on a film set. Your function is to make sure that the clothes your star actor (you!) is wearing are perfectly appropriate for the role, and to make sure that your star looks so attractive that other people will actively want to make contact. When you are dressed well and appropriately for the occasion, you and your body feel at ease and confident.
‘All the world’s a stage …’
Make a habit of ‘people watching’. It is a constant, entertaining, informative (and free!) theatre. Make yourself an increasing expert on the intricate body-language conversations that ‘speak to you’ on the streets, in restaurants, at social events, on beaches, and in all places where human beings congregate. When you see examples of particularly superb body-to-brain communication, mimic them and incorporate them in your own body language.
Social Brain Boosters
I am developing my body to be a superb communication device.
My words and actions are increasingly congruent.
I am spreading smiles wherever I go.
In the next chapter we will consider another vital non-verbal part of communicating with other people – listening to them!
