was ‘being used’ and a ‘slave’ to everyone else, although she knew her husband loved her. She wrote: So I finally stopped blaming everyone else for what was wrong with my life and decided to take responsibility. I explained to my boss (nicely) that I would be leaving at 5.30 in future as I had family commitments. To my surprise he was fine about it, and said he understood and that I should have said something sooner. I then had a big chat with my husband and said I needed some ‘me time’. I am now having ice-skating lessons – something I always wanted to do – on a Wednesday evening, while my husband looks after the children. I was surprised it was all so easy in the end. I felt a great sense of liberation. I am in control of my life again and I’m sure I’m a much nicer person to be with now, at home and work.
3. Achievement. When you take responsibility for your life you can also take the credit for your achievements. What a great bonus! Yes, you may be working alongside others on certain projects and your relationships will be a partnership, but whether you are working on something alone, with someone else, or in a group, any positive outcome you achieve is your responsibility. So give yourself a big pat on the back.
4. Development. By taking responsibility for your life you develop as a person. You learn from your mistakes and use your past experiences to make better judgements in the future. Each new decision you make – regardless of how small or disastrous the outcome – is character forming. You will develop a strength and roundness of character you never thought possible. Others will experience and appreciate your new-found inner strength, although they won’t necessarily recognize the transition you have made. Your development as a person and therefore your new resourcefulness of character will be magnetic. Very soon you will be one of those people others come to for advice and guidance.
5. Satisfaction and contentment. Taking responsibility for your life allows you the satisfaction and contentment of knowing you did your best. Even if the outcome is not as you had hoped, knowing you were in control and you couldn’t have done any more gives you peace of mind.
CHAPTER THREE
Think Positively
We are what we think. Consider this statement for a moment and its implications. How far reaching it is; how simple; how complex; how easy and yet unobtainable!
‘We are what we think’ means that our thoughts create the person we are now and will be in the future. Just as our bodies absorb food and we become what we eat (I say more about this in Chapter Seven), so our personalities are a product of what we think. Our thoughts govern who we are and therefore our actions, which clearly influence our future. Research has also shown that our state of mind directly influences our bodies.
We are all familiar with the scenario of ‘getting out of the wrong side of the bed’. Not literally, of course, but that feeling at the start of a new day that we are full of self-doubt and pessimism and at odds with the world. We know what type of day we are going to have – one when we wished we’d stayed in bed. It will be a day when others and situations seem to conspire against us, when we achieve little or nothing, and hostility and aggravation are all around us. On such a day we get exactly what we envisaged, and as a result we feel unhappy and discontented.
We are also familiar with the opposite scenario, when we start the new day full of optimism. Our thoughts and feelings are positive: we focus on what is right in our lives and we are more than ready to greet any new challenge. We are so full of positive thoughts and vibes that we can’t have anything but a good day – we achieve what we set out to and others appear to work with us and are on our side. We feel good about ourselves and are happy to be alive.
Then of course there are the days in the middle of the spectrum when we greet the new day with ambivalence, not particularly enthusiastic about what lies ahead but not dreading it. The day holds no surprises, we get by – achieving an acceptable amount, jogging along but not really engaging with those we come in contact with. If someone were to ask us: Have you had a good day? We would reply: It was OK.
In reality these three days were probably no different from each other in their happiness content. Happiness content means the external factors, negative and positive, that directly affect our happiness – for example, a pay rise, the birth of a child, the death of a loved one, marriage, divorce, etc. No, what made each of these days different was literally our state of mind: our attitude, based on our positive or negative thoughts.
As the optimist sees the glass as half full, so the pessimist sees it as half empty. The only difference between the two is the way they think.
A person in a positive state of mind who is thinking positive thoughts expects to be happy, achieve and get along with those he or she meets, while a person in a negative state of mind can see only gloom, despondency, non-cooperation and frustration, with little or nothing achieved. These two people will have their positive or negative attitude confirmed by getting exactly what they expect. This is what is known as a ‘self-fulfilling prophecy’, where something we perceive in our minds becomes true because of the link between belief and behaviour. If we think positively then we act positively, which leads to a positive outcome. Conversely, negative thoughts produce negative actions and outcomes.
Positive and negative thoughts are like magnets, attracting those in a similar state of mind. So a person in positive frame of mind will attract positive, happy people, who add to his or her feel-good factor, and ‘repel’ negative ones. Conversely a person in a negative state of mind will be a magnet for the negativity of others, who will collude in his or her feelings of self-doubt and pessimism. Of course, this takes place subconsciously, with each person acting instinctively, without conscious thought or decision.
Since all this has a huge impact on our lives on all levels, mental and physical, we owe it to ourselves to think positively. It is essential we recognize and harness the incredible power of the mind to achieve mental and physical well-being.
Many ancient cultures were aware of the power of the mind and its effect on physical health. The age-old practice of yoga is a physical and mental discipline whose purpose includes physical health. Likewise meditation is an intrinsic part of many ancient healings, as is the Chinese philosophy of yin and yang, which acknowledges the need to find the right balance.
But while such cultures acknowledge that the mind and body are interconnected, many Western cultures, especially with the advancement in medical science, separate mind and body, with disastrous results. We have blood, nerves and energy lines running through and linking all parts of ourselves, mind and body. Why, then, do we treat them separately, having one branch of medicine for the body – GPs, medical consultants and surgeons – and another for our minds – psychiatrists, therapists and counsellors? In recent years there has been some movement in Western culture towards a more holistic approach – that is, treating the whole person – but it still has a long way to go.
The good news, however, is that we can change the way we think. Positive thought is within our control. We can choose to think positively, which will improve the person we are now and ultimately what happens in our lives.
Positive thought is straightforward and easy to learn, but it won’t happen overnight. Like all strategies it needs to be learnt until it becomes second nature and you do it automatically. This is what you do to achieve it.
How to think positively
1. Focus on all that is good in your life and the world around you. Acknowledge the negative but don’t dwell on it. If you find your thoughts returning to the negative, rein them in and re-focus. This gets easier the more you do it.
2. Focus on your attributes. You have much to offer. Acknowledge your failings and weaknesses but don’t dwell on them. None of us is perfect.
3.
