Happy Adults. Cathy Glass
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4. Think good of others. See the best in other people; give them the benefit of the doubt, don’t harbour grudges, forgive them and move on (see Chapter One).
5. Be grateful. Even the most disadvantaged of us has something to be grateful for. Recognize it and be thankful it is yours.
6. Get rid of the belief that life owes you. It doesn’t. The only person who owes is you and you owe it to yourself to make the best of life.
To do this, you need to be aware of what is happening in your thoughts. During the day our thought processes vary to accommodate what we are doing: reading or studying, at work, being on the computer, watching television, listening to music, engaging in conversation, concentrating on a difficult task, relaxing, etc. Sometimes our thoughts will be wholly occupied by what we are doing, but at other times there is space for our thoughts to cruise or wander. It is at such times, when we are off guard, not wholly concentrating, that we are most likely to find ourselves thinking negative thoughts if we are in a negative state of mind: I hate him. My nose is too big. Why did she cheat on me? There can’t be a God: he wouldn’t have let my mum die so young and so on.
Be aware of your thoughts and deal with any negativity immediately. Don’t indulge this negativity; instead, acknowledge your feelings, and then let go of them and consciously shift your mind to a positive thought. By using this strategy of counteracting a negative thought with a positive thought you can retrain your mind.
I think my nose is too big (negative), but people tell me I have nice eyes and a pleasant smile, which is good (positive).
I hate him for what he did to me (negative), but that part of my life is over now and I have a great future ahead of me (positive).
I don’t know why she cheated on me (negative), but it’s just as well I found out now rather than later (positive).
I wish my mum was still alive (negative); I miss her dreadfully. But thank God she was my mum and we had all those good years together. Some people don’t have that (positive).
You can find something positive in virtually every negative situation, even when the situation is dreadful. I am sure we were all impressed by the young soldier who, having lost both his legs and one arm when a landmine exploded, said in an interview that it could have been worse, and at least he still had one arm. Or the countless number of cancer sufferers who, having been told they only have a short while to live, decide to make the most of every minute, focusing on the days they have left rather than the years they have been deprived.
While you are retraining your mind to think positively there will be times when you slip into your old way of thinking. As soon as you catch yourself doing this, whether it is on waking, showering, eating, dressing, sitting on a train, playing with the children or at work, acknowledge your negative thoughts and make the next thought positive. It is important to acknowledge the negative thought: otherwise it can be buried without being dealt with and you can go into denial. All feelings are important, but negative thinkers focus on what is wrong in their lives to the exclusion of all that is right. If your mind returns to the negative, bring it back again to a positive thought. Soon this will become second nature, and hey presto, you will be a positive thinker! I am a positive thinker but I haven’t always been. As a teenager I used to dwell on all the sadness in the world (over which I had no control) and make myself very unhappy. Positive thinking came to me in my twenties, after a traumatic experience, and has been my companion ever since. It sees me through life’s downers and makes me appreciate every new day.
The children I foster often arrive depressed and unhappy – with very good reason: they have been separated from their families and have often been abused or badly neglected. By the time they leave me all of them are a lot, lot happier. While I haven’t been able to change their family situation or their past experience (unfortunately), I have been able to help them towards an acceptance of what has happened, and encourage them to think positively and this helps them to see a positive, brighter future.
Young children and even toddlers can be encouraged to think positively as soon as they begin taking an interest in their surroundings. There is beauty everywhere; sometimes we just need to see it. By pointing out the little robin in your garden, or the clear blue sky, or asking your child if he or she is enjoying their ice cream – ‘Mmm, that looks yummy. I bet it tastes good’ – you are encouraging your child to think positively.
One woman wrote: I spent over twenty years thinking about all that was wrong in my life (and believe me there was plenty). I thought life wasn’t fair as others didn’t seem to have my problems. I made myself so miserable I even considered suicide. Then one day I was in the dentist’s waiting room and picked up a copy of an old magazine. In it was an article about positive thinking and that article changed my life.
The notion of positive thinking is not new, but when you discover its huge power and the possibilities it opens up for happiness and contentment it seems like a revelation. It is life changing!
CHAPTER FOUR
Act Positively
Thinking positively, however, is only part of the equation that is lasting happiness and contentment. To feel the full benefit of a positive state of mind, you need to put your positive thoughts into action. Positive people are doers, positive in thought and action. They attract other positive people and together they make things happen.
The next piece of good news is that once you are using the power of positive thinking, acting positively is only a small step away.
Positive action follows positive thought. If you have started thinking positively you may already be practising some of the following strategies, without even realizing it, which is great. Read through the following, congratulate yourself on what you are already doing and take on board the areas you still need to work on. As with positive thinking, to begin with you will have to make a conscious effort to act positively, but very soon it will become automatic, with the result that you are both thinking and acting positively – a truly positive person.
How to act positively
1. Smile. As often as you can. If smiling doesn’t come naturally to you, force yourself to smile to begin with until it does. Research has shown that smiling has a natural feel-good factor. It releases endorphins (natural painkillers) and serotonin (sometimes called the body’s natural opium) into the bloodstream, literally making you happy. When you smile the facial muscles send messages of happiness to the brain, and you feel happy. Even when you are feeling unhappy, smiling can make you happy. Also, research trials have shown that when you smile others perceive you differently – as younger, more confident, successful and attractive. Smiling has been shown to relieve stress by lowering blood pressure, and also to strengthen the immune system. Happy, positive people are ill less often. Smiling is therefore beneficial on all levels and is an essential ingredient to being positive. So smile away.
2. Try new things. Set yourself realistic goals – short and long term – and do your very best to achieve them. (I’ll say more about this in Chapter Six.) If you’ve been wanting to learn a new skill, try a new hobby or even change your lifestyle or career, then do it. Don’t be frightened to try something new, whether it is swimming, skating, camping, debating, cake decorating, joining a political party or volunteering. All new experiences add to being a positive person. Our confidence and self-esteem grow from experiencing new challenges, and who knows where such new experience might lead?
One woman wrote: I was feeling pretty miserable as my fiftieth birthday approached. I was overweight and despite dieting couldn’t seem to shift the flab. My husband bought me