this time, just this time, the stress is too much and you cannot cope. You will always be encouraged to find your own way out, to rely on your own inner strengths. By all means relate to other people, share your emotions with them and welcome their concern for your welfare. But what happens if you are depending on them and they are not there for you? If you are relying on them and they don’t help, you have yet another stress with which to deal.
By not relying on others you are not becoming heartless or cut off. By being independently strong, centred and focused in such a way that you do not have stresses in your life you are not cutting yourself off from the normal interplays of emotions and relationships. On the contrary, when you are self-sufficient and centred you have much more to offer to other people. You no longer relate to them in a way that involves blame or guilt, strength or weakness. You will no longer try to manipulate situations, emotions or people, nor will people be able to manipulate you. Your relationships will be much more clear, honest and harmonious.
There may be times when the approach may seem to be heartless. It is not, nor is this the intent. There is a fine line between empowering you and seeming to be uncaring. The aim at all times is to empower you. I care too much to want to deprive you of your ultimate resource – yourself and your own strength.
This is a very practical book. You will be given a lot to think about and a lot to do. The result should excite you. Start reading – and enjoy.
Often in this book you will see the term ‘running a phrase’. Running a phrase is a very useful way to discover what is going on in your subconscious so let’s find out what happens.
The phrase you are told to run may be simple; it is usually short and you are told to complete the sentence over and over again. We will start with a simple and appropriate phrase, one you have probably said to yourself many times: ‘I feel stressed because …’ Say it once, complete it and write down the completion, or the second part. Then do this again. Repeat the process until your responses become repetitive but don’t give up. Continue for a while. There may well be some very valuable bits of information your subconscious is just getting ready to release.
There is a certain hypnotic power about the first part, the phrase itself. It’s as if it occupies your conscious mind and takes its attention away from monitoring what you are going to say next. Your subconscious is then free to let out little whispers of underlying truth. The results may look like this:
• I feel stressed because – I have too much to do
• I feel stressed because – I may not get everything done
• I feel stressed because – things are getting on top of me
• I feel stressed because – if I get behind I will be in trouble
• I feel stressed because – I’m not able to do everything I have to
• I feel stressed because – they’ll think I’m stupid
• I feel stressed because – I am stupid, I can’t cope
It is important that the completion is short and carries no explanation. If, after the first one, ‘… I have too much to do’, you had continued with ‘… there’s all the housework, and the children all seem to think I should do everything for them, and my husband does so much business entertaining and wants me with him…’ you would have lost the benefit of the process. You would have gone into justification, into logic, into the conscious brain’s ingrained pattern of justifying everything you do intellectually.
By returning to the starting phrase each time you will find you get much more interesting and useful information. You will get a truer window into your subconscious and into some of your hidden and buried memories.
Consider the above completions. This was the list Jennifer got by doing the process above, by running the phrase ‘I feel stressed because…’. At first they were logical and commonplace completions. They were the reasons many people give for feeling stressed. Many people feel they have too much to do. They worry that they will not get their various tasks done in the time available and that if this happens things will get on top of them and they won’t be able to cope. However, as Jennifer relaxed into the process, her subconscious came up with the last two, ‘They’ll think I’m stupid’ and ‘I am stupid, I can’t cope’.
When you get something useful and interesting like that it is worth exploring it. Jennifer was told to run the phrase ‘Being stupid means…’. When she did she came up again with several everyday things at the start such as not being clever, not being bright, not being able to do things. Then she found herself saying ‘… my husband won’t love me’.
As she said this she looked first surprised, and then as if the pennies were beginning to drop. During the discussion that ensued it soon became clear to her that she was afraid she would lose her husband if she could not keep up with him. He had started in a junior position in the company for which he worked but had been promoted several times and had a lot of responsibility. His work now involved some international travel and the responsibility of entertaining a number of clients. Jennifer felt he had had the chance to grow and expand his horizons while she had been cooped up at home with three children. If she couldn’t do all the tasks allotted to her then, how, she wondered subconsciously, could he expect her to go on being worthy of being his wife? Once she realized this she had the start in her plan to deal with the situation.
None of this had come up during logical discussion. It took this technique to unearth the deeper fear. Now you see what a useful tool this ‘running a phrase’ can be.
You may find you get several different bits of information. Keep going with the one phrase until you have a large number of responses. Then choose the one that seems a little disconnected, as we did above, shape a phrase around that and run it. You may then take one of these responses and run a third phrase, and so on.
When that is complete go back to another of the original completions. In Jennifer’s case we ran ‘Being stupid means…’ until we had milked it dry. We then followed up on ‘… I’ll be in trouble’ by running the phrase ‘Being in trouble means…’ and got a variety of phrases and then ‘… my husband will leave me’.
Clearly this was a major fear for Jennifer and dominated much of her thinking. She was encouraged to talk it over with him. When she did she found this was far from his thinking, that in fact he found his home with its quiet domesticity and basic values a relief and haven after corporate life.
One thing I can guarantee, provided that you relax completely into the process and allow your subconscious to speak, when you run a phrase you will be surprised at the results. They will certainly help you in your bid to become more relaxed and calm. They will almost certainly change your life for the better in other ways too as you learn more about yourself and your reactions.
We will consider another example. James was at university and finding the whole situation stressful. He ran the phrase ‘A reason university is stressful is …’ and got a number of completions such as ‘… there’s lots of new stuff I have to learn’, ‘… there are all those tests I have to swot for’, ‘… the other boys speak better than I do and they laugh at me’. All these were fairly standard reasons for feeling stressed. Then he came up with ‘… Dad resents me’.
He then ran the phrase ‘Dad resents me because …’ and got completions that included ‘… I’m not working’, ‘… he has to support me’,
