or guilty if everything in your own life is going smoothly.
Does this apply to you? If the answer is yes then congratulations for recognizing a behaviour pattern that you can now change to your advantage. If you think this does not apply to you then ask yourself when did you last tell someone about something bad that happened to you. What was your motive in telling them? Were you seeking attention, sympathy, a ready ear? What was your goal? Why did you want to be seen as a victim?
Harold enjoyed being a victim. He, in some perverse way, enjoyed having things to complain about. Later on I spoke with his wife who worked with him and she said he seemed to thrive in the mornings. If things were going wrong he could complain of the terrible time he was having. If things were going smoothly and all the work was getting done he complained at the lack of orders and what that would do to their income. She also told me that Harold’s father had been the same and that he had, ultimately, been a successful man.
‘I really think that Harold feels he can only be successful if he is worked off his feet. Also,’ she said with rare insight, ‘I think he feels guilty at how well we are doing and how much money he is making and only feels he has deserved it if he has suffered to get it.’
Until Harold is willing to make changes in his attitude and give up the need for victim status he will continue to feel stressed and continue to have and get ulcers, whatever medication, drug-based or natural, he takes to help him in the short term.
Christina’s response was different. Initially she complained that it was not her fault that she felt stressed. It was the fault of her boss and the way he did his work, the fault of the children who would not help to prepare dinner and the fault of her husband who did not earn enough so that she could work less. She was a victim and relished the complaining this allowed her, the sympathy it earned her and the limelight that fell on her.
When she decided to accept that she was responsible she also learnt that she did have the ability to change things and to control the situation. After some sessions during which we explored her options and her fears, she was ready to change. She talked with her boss and explained the situation to him and told him that from the following Monday she would leave on time, no matter what work he gave her to do late in the afternoon. She told the children that they would have to take care of their own rooms and their own clothes and her husband that, if he wanted her to work full time, he would have to help with dinner or they wouldn’t eat.
The results surprised her. Her boss did not sack her. After two days of letters not sent on time he reprogrammed his work so she could have them typed and completed by the time she was supposed to leave. After a week of having no clean or ironed clothes to wear, the children got the hang of putting their dirty clothes in the washing machine and after only one evening with bread and cheese for dinner her husband started to prepare the vegetables and have things ready for when she got home. Since she was now able to catch the express bus, they finished up cooking dinner together and having that time to share their news of the day.
She admitted to feeling a little uncomfortable at having nothing to complain of but soon got used to the new regime and, as she said, it was amazing the way everybody was benefiting from the changes.
6 Get clear on your outcome – what are you really trying to achieve? Are you trying to prove someone else wrong, to force someone else to change to the way you want them to be, to have something to complain about – or do you really want to reduce your stress?
Let’s continue with Christina’s story. After these changes had come about she was able to acknowledge that they had been relatively easy. When asked why she hadn’t made them before she came to understand that what she had really wanted was to prove everyone else was wrong. She had wanted to prove what a thoughtless boss she had, how unhelpful her children were and what an inconsiderate man her husband was, expecting her to work full time and be a housewife as well. She was looking for sympathy for her hard lot in life. When she got clear on her goal of having a relaxed and stress-free time both at home and in the office, it was much easier for her to let go of her grudges, change the situation and reduce her stress.
7 Know you can cope. Avoid the stress caused by fear of the unknown. Imagine the worst possible scenario. Find out how you would deal with it. Then get on with handling the present.
A lot of stress comes from your fear of the future. You worry that this will happen, you’re afraid that that won’t happen. This in itself is stressful. It also reduces your ability to deal with the present and your ability to prevent this unwanted future. Further, since this bad future may never happen, you may be experiencing the stress needlessly.
The solution is to allow yourself to imagine the unimaginable. Create the worst possible scenario that could occur, the worst possible outcome that would result if all your fears were realized. Then plan what you would do. You would cope. Somehow or other, with the exception of the few people who opt for suicide, we all do cope. Recognize in detail just exactly what you would do and how you would cope. Then look for the benefits, even small ones, in this scenario, for there certainly will be some once you learn how to look for them.
Once you know that you can cope, no matter what happens, then you can free yourself from the crippling effects of your fear. If the outcome is bad but only half bad or two thirds bad then you are better off than you might have been.
You can either view a glass of water as half full or half empty. It won’t change the amount you have to drink; it will change your level of stress. If you have recognized what you will do if it becomes empty then you can enjoy the half you have rather than fret over the half you haven’t got.
This will give you an enormous increase in peace of mind and free your energies so you can focus on achieving the best possible outcome and deriving maximum enjoyment of the present.
8 Believe in a positive future, that whatever happens will be for the best, but do this without ceasing to care and without developing a laissez-faire attitude.
A lot of stress comes about from the belief that something bad will or could happen. The stress of public speaking is based on a fear that you will make a fool of yourself or that people will think badly of you. If you were totally convinced you would be a roaring success, you could look forward to the event with equanimity. The stress of an argument with your spouse may be due to an underlying fear that they are being unfaithful or are considering a divorce. If you knew that you were going to remain happily together then the argument could be an interesting difference of opinion. The stress at work could stem, not from the work itself but from a fear of losing your job. If you knew you were about to be promoted, the work could be an enjoyable challenge.
Thus a further aspect of minimizing the experience of stress is to believe in a positive future. Choosing to believe that the future will be good can take a lot of stress out of the present. Choosing to believe that any apparent setback is merely a move to allow something better to occur can reduce your experience of stress. These beliefs can also put you in a positive frame of mind such that you deal with current situations more productively and more peacefully than you would when afraid of negative outcomes.
Perhaps you are looking for a house and see the one of your dreams, one that is ideal and covers all your requirements. If you decide that you absolutely must have it and that no other house will do, you put yourself under enormous pressure. You will put in an offer and start biting your nails with the fear that someone else will offer more or that something will happen to jeopardize your purchase. If on the other hand, you work hard to get it but choose to believe that if you do you will be thrilled and if you don’t it is because you are about to find an even better one, you can save yourself a lot of stress.
There are two aspects to this. Firstly the belief helps you to proceed
