pleasure and connection are your goals, instead of intercourse or orgasm, you may find yourself even more in the mood. Follow your sexual intuition and do what your body tells you. What would you desire right now? Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus author John Gray encourages his readers to differentiate between gourmet sex and fast-food sex. Sometimes you just want small fries and that’s it. Make those wishes ultraclear to your partner, who doesn’t always know exactly what you want or when.
MILFs
Guys with babies always look hot, right? They’re nurturing, and they’ve shown they’re capable of commitment and stability. Why is it such a surprise that a mother would be sexy, too? Biologically, it makes more sense to invest your genetic material in someone who has shown she’s capable of reproducing. Of course a mom should make a man horny.
Until very recently, mothers got a pass on the “hot or not” game. They weren’t expected to be sexy, and for some women, that was just fine. It was nice to not have to worry so much about appearance and desirability. In most traditional cultures, motherhood is more saintly than sexy. It’s often taboo to fetishize mothers. My pet theory: mixing our potency as mothers and as sexual beings may be too much for men to handle, making them uneasy. It’s too much power all in one place. Or it may be a defense born of fear. Men may have difficulty eroticizing their baby mama because it tickles the boundaries of some very sensitive areas, like the Oedipal complex. And if you buy into these Freudian theories, then the MILF idea makes more sense. Lusting after someone else’s mother is a safer way for you to project all your taboo sexual energy for your mother onto another sex partner.
One thing is for sure: as we mature, so does the quality of our sex. We need to reinvent sex now that we’re mothers, building a bridge between being a mother hen and being a fox. With experience and maturity comes sexual sophistication. Optimally, we know what works for us, and we’re more confident about sharing that information with our partners. Call it “authentic eroticism.” Maybe the reason MILFs are such a turn-on is that mothers simply make better lovers. As we blossom and ripen, nurture and mentor, we are likely more capable of integrating intimacy and spirituality into our sexuality. And that is deep, and hot. So go ahead and be sexy, Mama.
Perimenopause: The Storm Before the Calm
The ups and downs of the your menstrual cycles, relationship drama, and family responsibility may seem like enough to manage, but just at the moment you might begin to think you have everything under control, there comes another curveball: perimenopause. And it comes earlier than you may have thought.
Actual menopause lasts one day. It is the one-year anniversary since your periods have completely stopped. The average age for menopause is fifty-one, but anywhere from the forties to the midfifties is considered normal. Perimenopause, however, is the long, drawn-out transition from fertility to infertility, which begins seven to ten years prior to your period stopping. Things don’t usually get problematic until the late forties, but this is a marathon, not a sprint. As you near the finish line, things will likely get intense. You learn to expect the unexpected: worsening PMS that seems to come earlier every month, flying off the handle for no good reason, feeling horny one day and completely turned off the next, and periods that come and go unexpectedly.
We’ve got an entertaining situation here in my house. Just as my teenage daughter, Molly, is entering into her cyclical moodiness, her mother is ungracefully exiting. Don’t you wish you were my husband, sandwiched between a cadet just joining the ranks of the menstruation nation and a retired general who’s bowing out? Both of us are having fits and starts of our ovaries, but only one of us gets a pass on her pimples and emotional outbursts. Puberty gets an allowance. Perimenopause gets bupkis.
Nearly a quarter of women with teenagers are in their fifties. Not only are we feeling terrorized by our moody little bitches, but many of us are also caring for aging parents. We are torn between two generations that compete for our attention, accommodation, and care. I marvel that my mother did not go completely batshit while raising three daughters and driving an hour a day to check on her parents to make sure my grandfather gave his wife her insulin and she his meals. Perimenopausal women today are not just balancing work and family; they’re also trying to avoid putting their parents in a nursing home. It’s not only stress inducing or anxiety provoking, it’s depressing. We all have fears around aging and becoming “infirm.” Watching our daughters blossom in the springtime of their fertility as we fade out in the autumn of ours, plus seeing what lies ahead as our mothers wither and weaken, is poignant and painful and very nearly too much to handle.
Hormonal surges and cycles are a major part of being a woman. Once those cycles finally stop, after we’ve weathered the hot flashes and mood swings, then how will we feel? According to plenty of older women, great. I cling to one Gallup poll from 1998 that asked older women when they felt happiest and most fulfilled, and a slim majority chose the years between fifty and sixty-five. So hang in there, baby. Fifty’s coming. In the meantime, forewarned is forearmed. Just knowing you can get a little crazy and angry can help the whole process not get the better of you, and there are real ways to harness the powerful changes your body has in store for you.
Nuts and Bolts: Symptoms and Complaints
During perimenopause, symptoms change month to month, and day to day, as they gradually pick up steam, crescendoing right before your periods stop. And then start again, out of the blue. The absolute hormone levels matter, but what affects the brain most are the abrupt changes in those levels. Every little fluctuation triggers a symptom. Complaints during this stretch include weight gain, fatigue, low libido, and vaginal dryness and irritation. No, wait, it gets worse. Because collagen is estrogen sensitive, it becomes less elastic as you age, so say hello to wrinkles and good-bye to dry underwear; three-quarters of women between forty-five and fifty-four have some episodes of urinary incontinence. Weakened sphincters with less collagen lose their elasticity. Insomnia is the biggest issue, coming early in the transition and lasting for years. It can occur on its own or result from night sweats—the hot flashes that hit you while you sleep.
Hot flashes affect 80 percent of women in perimenopause, last between one and five minutes, and occur over a span of nearly a decade, starting years before, and continuing years after, your periods stop. Sudden dips in estrogen levels cause a drop in the set point of the hypothalamus, the brain’s temperature regulator. Your brain then tells your body that it’s overheating and goes about lowering your body temperature the only way it knows how, with sweating and bringing blood to the skin. Your face flushes as the blood vessels dilate, and the whole upper body breaks out in a sweat, sometimes followed by chills. Some women experience an “aura” before a hot flash, a sense of dread, suddenly feeling weak, or heart palpitations, all thanks to spiking norepinephrine levels, your brain’s adrenaline. If this happens to you, it’s normal. Your brain is trying to give you a heads-up that you’re about to overheat, like a warning light on your dash.
Estrogen Dominance: Too Much of a Good Thing
For most women, perimenopause has two phases. At first there is a relative overabundance of estrogen due to rapidly falling progesterone levels. Because these two hormones balance each other out, this is referred to as unopposed estrogen, or estrogen dominance. Later in the transition, estrogen
