href="#litres_trial_promo">The first three months postpartum are the worst. There are quite a few reasons for lackluster libido. Prolactin levels are up, which suppress testosterone secretion. Also, women who are nursing have less vaginal lubrication due to lower estrogen levels. The biggest issue: you may not be ovulating yet. Nature tries to help you out while you’re nursing a little one, making sure you have plenty of time between your babies. Once the nursing ebbs, you’re more likely to ovulate, and when your period comes back, the horniness will, too, a bit, at least midcycle when you’re fertile. When you wean the baby completely, your libido comes back even more, but not necessarily to baseline. Having little kids climbing all over you can keep your oxytocin levels up, which will keep your testosterone down. Mothers of young children have lower testosterone than those with older children, who have lower testosterone than women with no children. And married women have lower testosterone than unmarried women. So that horny girl from high school? Gone, Daddy, gone.
Women’s magazines and blogs talk about being “touched out.” You have so much physical intimacy with your kids—they require a substantial amount of cuddling, holding, and physical soothing—that when you finally climb into bed with your partner, you’re sick of it. It may be that you’ve filled your quota. Your experience with your children is so sensual and emotional, and there is a euphoric melding of mother and child much like that seen between lovers. So it may not be that you have nothing left to give at the end of your day, but rather that there is nothing more you need. Your children end up being the primary source of your physical and emotional gratification.
There is also the issue of body autonomy. This means it’s yours, not anyone else’s. When you have little kids, it’s easy to feel like your boundaries are completely disrespected. With all that loss of control, it’s simple to see why you may exert some when you finally get into your own bed with a curt “Don’t touch me.” (If you were physically or sexually abused in your childhood, you can expect these issues to be even more prominent. Because your body autonomy was violated in your youth, it might be a trigger for you when your children show you the same disregard.) No matter how assertive or dominant we are out in the world, some of us turn passive and reactive once we’re finally in bed. He wants to, and it’s up to us to say yes or no. Sometimes, just like a toddler asserting autonomy over Mommy by saying no to anything she requests (even “Do you want a treat?”), we deny him his requests because we can. We have the power to refuse and we want to exercise it.
Don’t discount the loss of psychic autonomy, the “virtual annihilation of the self” that accompanies motherhood. If you have no self, you’re certainly not entitled to fight for what you desire. As our roles change from independent working woman to mommy who subordinates her desires to her toddler, it’s easy to feel lost in the shuffle. Some mothers learn to hide or deny their own needs, choosing to gratify those of their children instead, anticipating their kids’ every whim so that they want for nothing. I often joke that the word mother is based on the word martyr. We spend our evenings feeding the mouths that bite, balancing work and family with no time or space left for ourselves. Once we finally get into bed, we’re not just tired, we’re tired of giving.
Our frustration about doing more nightly housework in addition to our day jobs can be a major cause of diminished sexual desire. And until nonsexual issues get resolved, many women have minimal interest in or motivation for sex. Resentment isn’t sexy. When it comes to partner sex (not lust for a stranger, a different matter entirely), many women need to feel safe, cared for, and connected. Women are much more likely to reject their husbands if they’re feeling unsupported, underappreciated, or misunderstood. Men, however, seem to be able to put aside all sorts of issues if it means they can get it on.
Pat Love, in her book Hot Monogamy, says that more men than women complain to her that they don’t get enough touching, both sexual and nonsexual. Daddies are not touched out. For men, sex can be the only way they access emotional vulnerability and establish intimacy. The problem is, you might respond to those needs as if he were one more child to be taken care of instead of realizing that he is offering you something that both of you require.
A desire discrepancy in a marriage is normal. I have patients who routinely complain about the drudgery of attending to their husbands’ sexual needs when they’d rather do anything but. But parents seem to know sex is important and may go ahead anyway, even if they’re not in the mood. In an iVillage survey of two thousand women, those with two or more children were more likely to have sex out of obligation than those without kids.
I often talk to my patients about the difficulty of transitions. Toddlers aren’t the only ones who have trouble moving from one activity to another. Coming home from work and transforming into mother mode is hard enough. What’s even trickier is to switch gears from “mommy” to “wifey.” If you can’t turn off the mom radar, you’re not going to be able to focus on your own physical sensations.
Motherhood may be all about giving, but sex is often about taking what you need, and maybe even being a bit selfish. You have a right to receive pleasure and release after all the caretaking you’ve been doing, but that’s a pretty big mind flip. I find that transitions require rituals. You’re supposed to warn the kids two minutes before leaving the park, so at least give yourself that buffer. After the kids go down, take a shower, have a cup of tea, meditate for ten minutes, or even just take a few deep breaths and a good stretch. Any one of those may be enough to help you focus back on your body and your relationship. Even better: have him give the kids a bath and put them to bed while you prepare yourself, mentally and physically, to reconnect with your lover and yourself.
Sometimes the only way for you to focus fully on yourself and your partner is if your children are asleep or out of the house. You may need to be locked in a room far away from theirs. The book Sexy Mamas recommends that you stock a lockable guest room with sex toys and lubes, sexy outfits and props, to have an exciting quickie getaway in the “playroom.” I recommend, at the very least, that parents get a lock on their own bedroom door. The days may be focused on the kids and their emotional needs, but the nights are a time to turn to each other. This is an adults-only zone.
Children need to learn about the concept of privacy, that Mom and Dad need private time for adult conversation and adult activities. They should also learn that sex is a natural part of life and relationships. If they see you as “sex positive,” happy and sexually fulfilled, it helps them have healthier sexual relationships in adulthood.
“Date Night” Versus Spontaneity
There are two ways to go here, and you don’t have to choose. Establishing a predictable night when you promise to hook up with your spouse has its advantages. You mutually agree that it’s valuable and important, intentionally affirming your bond with each other. You have days to prepare, fantasize, and tease each other with sexy e-mails or texts. That’s a lot of foreplay. Anticipation can be a great aphrodisiac. Good sex doesn’t have to be spontaneous.
But many do complain that any sort of routine or ritual kills the excitement that comes from unpredictability. Sometimes what’s hot is a loss of control, or the risk of being caught. Enter the quickie. Your time is limited, I know. Scarcity is the watchword for young parents. There’s not enough time, not enough energy, not enough space or privacy. But a lot can be done in a short period of
