with the top down in his convertible. But now he was too sick, and the doctors were clear—he was only going to get worse.
This time I had a different experience dealing with death. My mother’s and Lincoln’s deaths were completely unexpected and sudden. But this time, I had warning. I knew what was coming, and it filled me with a sense of dread.
I found myself thinking, Here we go again. I didn’t want to go through such a staggering loss all over again. It just didn’t seem right. I know plenty of people my age who haven’t lost anyone, so why did I have to lose so many of my loved ones? I sat at the table thinking about how unfair it was, how hard it was going to be, and how much I wanted things to be different.
I also knew I couldn’t let myself go down that road. After all, I’d been through this before and I’d be okay again. If I let myself fall into the trap of thinking my situation was worse than anyone else’s, or if I convinced myself that I couldn’t handle one more loss, it wasn’t going to help. Instead, it would only hold me back from dealing with the reality of my situation.
It was at that moment that I sat down and wrote my list “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do.” They were the habits I’d fought so hard against to come out on the other side of my grief. They were the things that could hold me back from getting better, if I allowed them to take hold of me.
Not surprisingly, they were the same skills I was giving to the clients who entered my therapy office. But writing them down was something I needed to do to help me stay on track. It was a reminder that I could choose to be mentally strong. And I needed to be strong, because a few weeks after writing down that list, Rob passed away.
Psychotherapists are known for helping others build on their strengths, doling out tips on how they should act and what they can do to improve themselves. But when I created my list on mental strength, I decided to stray for a moment from what has become second nature to me. And focusing on what not to do has made all the difference. Good habits are important, but it’s often our bad habits that prevent us from reaching our full potential. You can have all the good habits in the world, but if you keep doing the bad habits alongside the good ones, you’ll struggle to reach your goals. Think of it this way: you’re only as good as your worst habits.
Bad habits are like heavy weights that you drag around as you go about your day. They’ll slow you down, tire you out, and frustrate you. Despite your hard work and talent, you’ll struggle to reach your full potential when you’ve got certain thoughts, behaviors, and feelings holding you back.
Picture a man who chooses to go to the gym every day. He works out for almost two hours. He keeps a careful record of the exercises he performs so he can track his progress. Over the course of six months, he isn’t noticing much of a change. He feels frustrated that he’s not losing weight and gaining muscle. He tells his friends and family that it just doesn’t make sense why he’s not looking and feeling better. After all, he rarely ever misses a workout. What he leaves out of the equation is the fact that he enjoys a treat on his drive home from the gym every day. After all that exercise, he feels hungry and tells himself, “I’ve worked hard. I deserve a treat!” So each day, he eats one dozen donuts on his drive home.
Seems ridiculous, right? But we all are guilty of this kind of behavior. We work hard to do the things that we think will make us better, but we forget to focus on the things that might be sabotaging our efforts.
Avoiding these thirteen habits isn’t just what will help you through grief. Getting rid of them will help you develop mental strength, which is essential to dealing with all life’s problems—big or small. No matter what your goals are, you’ll be better equipped to reach your full potential when you’re feeling mentally strong.
It’s not that people are either mentally strong or mentally weak. We all possess some degree of mental strength, but there’s always room for improvement. Developing mental strength is about improving your ability to regulate your emotions, manage your thoughts, and behave in a positive manner, despite your circumstances.
Just as there are those among us who are predisposed to develop physical strength more easily than others, mental strength seems to come more naturally to some people. There are several factors at play to determine the ease at which you develop mental strength:
• Genetics—Genes play a role in whether or not you may be more prone to mental health issues, such as mood disorders.
• Personality—Some people have personality traits that help them think more realistically and behave more positively by nature.
• Experiences—Your life experiences influence how you think about yourself, other people, and the world in general.
Obviously, you can’t change some of these factors. You can’t erase a bad childhood. You can’t help it if you are genetically predisposed to ADHD. But that doesn’t mean you can’t increase your mental strength. Anyone has the power to increase mental strength by devoting time and energy on the self-improvement exercises throughout this book.
The Basis of Mental Strength
Imagine a man who feels nervous about social situations. To minimize his anxiety, he avoids starting conversations with his coworkers. The less he speaks with his coworkers, the less they initiate conversation with him. When he enters the break room and passes people in the hallway without anyone speaking to him, he thinks, I must be socially awkward. The more he thinks about how awkward he is, the more nervous he feels about starting conversations. As his anxiety increases, his desire to avoid his coworkers also increases. This results in a self-perpetuating cycle.
To understand mental strength, you have to learn how your thoughts, behaviors, and feelings are all intertwined, often working together to create a dangerous downward spiral as in the preceding example. This is why developing mental strength requires a three-pronged approach:
1. Thoughts—Identifying irrational thoughts and replacing them with more realistic thoughts.
2. Behaviors—Behaving in a positive manner despite the circumstances.
3. Emotions—Controlling your emotions so your emotions don’t control you.
We hear it all the time: “Think positive.” But optimism alone isn’t enough to help you reach your full potential.
Choose Behavior Based on Balanced Emotions and Rational Thinking
I’m terrified of snakes. Yet my fear is completely irrational. I live in Maine. We don’t have a single poisonous snake in the wild. I don’t see snakes very often, but when I do, my heart leaps into my throat and I’m tempted to run as fast as I can in the other direction. Usually, before I run away, I’m able to balance my sheer panic with rational thoughts that remind me that there’s no logical reason to feel afraid. Once my rational thinking kicks in, I can walk by the snake—as long as he’s a safe distance away. I still don’t want to pick him up or pet him, but I can continue past him without letting my irrational fear interfere with my day.
We make our best decisions in life when we balance our emotions with rational thinking. Stop and think for a minute about how you behave when you’re really angry. It’s likely that you’ve said and done some
