done nothing about it, have you?’
‘Well –’ said Laura. ‘Linley Munroe – Marcus Sussman – I was going to contact them for the…but then he…’
‘Oh Laura,’ said Rachel softly. She swallowed. ‘It’s just – I just don’t understand why you, of all people…why you’ve lost interest, why you don’t even seem to care.’
‘I do care!’ Laura said. ‘I do. It’s just…I’ve been crap.’
As she said it, she realised how inadequate the words were. How she was someone who’d always prided herself on getting the job done, not letting people down, how she’d scorned others for their blinkered approach, their inability to get off their arses and do something to make a difference to their lives, other people’s lives. Over a hundred children, the ones who most needed some individual attention, some special reading time, had been let down by her. Money that people could use, that could really make a positive difference in someone’s life, perhaps permanently – not there. Just because she never got round to it. Because she was thinking about herself. About her and Dan. And Amy. She was the blinkered one. She heard Jo’s voice clearly in her head. ‘Don’t you ever learn?’
‘And the holiday,’ Rachel was saying. ‘You’ve never cleared it with me, never asked for time off. You know we have to clear it with each other. Everyone else in the office is away, I couldn’t have let you go then in any case.’
‘Well, I’m going,’ Laura said stubbornly.
‘I know you are, love,’ Rachel said. She smiled sadly. ‘It doesn’t matter what you do any more. I’m suspending you, effective immediately, you’ll be on thirty per cent of your pay and we’re getting someone in from Lambeth to cover your job. Our school programmes finish next week. I want you to take two weeks to think about things. A fortnight from Monday, OK? And then we’ll call you back in after the school terms are over and see where we are.’
‘See where we are?’
Rachel shuffled the papers on her desk. ‘Well. Where we are with a view to reinstating you again. Or whether we have to…make this permanent.’
Surely this couldn’t really happen, surely they were just threatening her? It was a bad dream and she’d wake up in a minute. She was a responsible person, a working girl, like all her friends. How would she explain it to them? To her parents? To her grandmother? She didn’t get – suspended, it was ridiculous!
‘But what will I tell – everyone?’ Laura said angrily. ‘You can’t do this to me. You really can’t, seriously. This is fucking ridiculous.’
‘No, it’s not,’ Rachel said. Her voice was distant, unfamiliar, suddenly. ‘I just don’t get it, honestly I don’t, Laura. I’d always thought you were one of the best, the brightest of all of us. I hoped one day you’d run the programme, or become an adviser, a consultant, perhaps even working with the Government…I honestly thought you could do whatever you wanted. Be someone who made a real difference…’
She left the sentence unfinished. Laura stood up and held the handle of the door in tears. She shook her head at Rachel, wordlessly. Rachel sighed, and looked at her.
‘There’s a boy somewhere at the bottom of all this, isn’t there?’ Laura heard her saying to herself as she ran out. ‘God, there always is…’
Laura picked up her bag and fled, ignoring the pop-eyed looks of her co-workers. She rattled down the stairs and went outside, into the grimy, sweaty, traffic-laden street. It was a hot, muggy afternoon. She wiped her eyes on the back of her hand, and rummaged around in her bag for a cigarette – she’d put Hilary’s cigarettes in her bag by mistake the previous night and though she hadn’t smoked for a while, she wanted one now.
She stood there in the busy street, smoking, and looked around her, feeling totally alone. Whom could she call to explain this shameful and awful news, someone she could wail at, who would be genuinely surprised that this had happened? She’d been treated outrageously, that was for sure, she was bound to get sympathy.
And then, unbidden, came into her head the thought that she didn’t know quite who to call. All her friends seemed so down on her lately. Jo and Chris – well, she was barely speaking to Jo, and she hadn’t seen her on her own since their argument at the pub. Laura wasn’t going to get into that at the moment. Paddy – well, Paddy had made it quite clear what he thought lately – he was always on her case about various things. Be on time. Clear up your room. Don’t have sex with Dan in the shower and break the curtain rail. It was like living with a parent. Of course, she could call Dan…but she didn’t really want him to know. Not just yet. She’d see them all that night, she’d have to tell them then anyway.
Laura leant against a signpost as the traffic roared past and the streets filled up with people leaving work. A tear slid out of one eye. She must be a pretty terrible person for it all to have come this far.
Well, she told herself, trying to perk herself up. She wasn’t going back there, no matter what happened. How dare they treat her like that? How dare Rachel? When Laura had worked hard for her for three years, never complaining, staying late. Was it really a crime to screw things up and be late sometimes? Rachel was just a bitter old spinster, that was her problem. She didn’t want anyone below her getting above their station. That was the answer. She…
And then, without warning, an image flashed into her mind, of Rachel turning up at her flat two years ago, the day Laura had sprained her ankle, really quite badly. She had got back from the doctor’s with some crutches and was lying on the sofa feeling miserable and in a lot of pain. She’d called Rachel to tell her what had happened. Rachel had left work, gone to Marks and Spencer and bought the kind of things you can eat without moving from the sofa. Picnic eggs, crisps, freshly squeezed orange juice, raspberries, gin and tonic in little cans. She’d also bought her The Castle on video, which is the funniest film ever made, and they’d sat there watching it and laughing uproariously, until Laura felt much better again. And when Rachel had been dumped by Boyd from Nottingham just before Christmas, she’d never complained, never made a big deal about it, even though she was obviously devastated. And what had Laura done about it, to be a friend? Nothing.
Laura bit her lip and shook her head, willing the memory away. She felt tired and hungry, having eaten virtually nothing all day. She stood up firmly, swung her bag over her shoulder and marched towards the tube station with purpose. But the truth was she had no idea what she was doing or where she was going.
She didn’t tell Paddy the truth. She lied and said she’d been sick and had come home from work early. She looked so forlorn and pale, in the heat, that Paddy obviously believed her as he stood there fiddling with his keys, looking down on Laura as she lay on the sofa.
‘Are you sure you’re going to be all right on your own?’ he said anxiously.
Bile flooded Laura’s stomach at her deception. She clutched her stomach and winced with real pain, and Paddy looked at her with compassion.
‘Oh babe,’ he said. ‘Poor thing. Look, call me any time and I’ll come home early if you want.’
‘It’s your birthday,’ Laura said grimly, clenching her teeth. Bring the guilt on, she thought. I deserve it. ‘Go away. Have a great evening. Give the others my
