Why can’t she just live and let live? that’s okay, that’s your prerogative … as long as you understand you are probably really annoying a lot of people around you with your unbearable positivity and your ‘I love everything’ attitude.
I think, deep down, people are crying out for rules. Once it was commonplace to look to published guides for advice on behaviour, protocol and etiquette. Guides produced by recognised authorities, such as Debrett’s in the United Kingdom and Emily Post in the United States. Even in Australia we had our very own Miss Manners, the formidable June Dally-Watkins—I met her once, she didn’t say hello, she just looked me up and down and told me in no uncertain terms I should never wear a white bra under a white shirt. ‘Always nude, dear, always nude.’
But these days there is no such guide in circulation, and I believe the rise in rude behaviour and the lack of basic courtesy we are witnessing in the modern world is quite possibly due to ignorance. If you don’t know the rules, how are you supposed to abide by them?
Which is why I say, thank god for me. Now, with this comprehensive reference book at your fingertips, there can be no excuse for bad behaviour. Whenever you’re unsure about the right way to behave, whenever you want to know what not to do in any given situation, simply turn to 488 Rules for Life. The answer is bound to be in here somewhere.
This book is divided into sections and within each section you will find a range of rules. Some are fairly basic, things that everyone should already know; others are more specific and are for the people I call genuine rule enthusiasts. And occasionally you will come across rules so particular and persnickety that only absolute zealots like myself will be able to get on board. I have separated these into special sealed sections so that the more tolerant reader can avoid them easily.
Whatever level of rule disciple you are, know that reading this book and observing these rules will definitely make the world a nicer place. I also guarantee you will be better looking and better informed; in fact, you’ll be a better human overall. So think of it as a self-help book, only you don’t have to give up sugar, buy expensive exercise equipment or keep a diary of your dreams. All you have to do is speak up when you see someone breaking the rules. A gentle but friendly reminder is all it takes: ‘Hey buddy! Rule number 266—no sunglasses on the back of your neck, cheers mate, just letting you know.’ There’s no need to be rude or confrontational about it, keep it light—remember, like me, you’re here to help.
1
If you don’t agree with a rule, forget about it, move on to the next one
Whatever you do, don’t get angry and start bleating on social media about how it would be impossible to live your life by these 488 rules. That’s not what this book is about.
GENERAL HOUSE RULES
2
Football jerseys are not art
Don’t frame them. And definitely don’t hang them on the wall.
3
Don’t waste your money on surround sound
Nobody cares, guys. And I say guys because it is usually guys who insist on surround sound. When I’m watching TV, I find it weird if the sound isn’t coming from the television. After all, the person walking on the television is on the television, in front of me, so it’s really creepy to hear footsteps behind me or, indeed, all around me.
Same goes for those elaborate sound systems that people (again, usually men) install. The ones where they wire up the entire house with speakers in every room so they can pipe their chunes throughout. It’s not a department store, it’s just your house, you don’t need the music to follow you around wherever you go. Spend your money on nice ham instead.
4
You don’t need a media room or home cinema
Just watch television in the lounge room like a normal person. Or go to the cinema.
5
Supersizing is for beverages not family portraits
There are many businesses that will blow up your family photo onto an enormous canvas, but that doesn’t mean you should get one. A few regular-sized photos will do just fine; you don’t want to turn your living room into some kind of in-memoriam shrine.
6
Don’t complain about your cleaner
Having a cleaner is one of life’s greatest luxuries and if you can afford one you should be extremely grateful. And no matter how lax you might think your cleaner is, remember, it’s still better than mopping your own kitchen floor or scrubbing your own bathroom and pulling your own disgusting hair-monster out of the plughole.
7
Wait a week before accusing your cleaner of stealing
People always accuse the cleaner. Never to their face but behind their back in hushed tones to their friends: ‘I think the cleaner might have taken my necklace/favourite plate/earring/five bucks/tape measure/spatula, etc.’
Your cleaner is not stupid, cleaners know they will always be number one on the suspect list, which is why I guarantee the cleaner did not take your stuff.
Here’s the more likely scenario: you’ve put your necklace/favourite plate/earring/five bucks/tape measure/spatula somewhere you don’t usually put it and then done what all middle-aged people do—completely forgotten where you put it.
Give it a week; whatever the cleaner has ‘stolen’ will turn up.
8
Flags are not curtains
A flag in the window is a tell-tale sign that backpackers have moved in. And if the NSW tourism department is at all interested in my amateur research, I would say that based on the number of flag curtains in my area, the majority of visitors to Bondi Junction are coming from Ireland and Brazil. Welcome to you all … now please go buy some curtains.
9
