If you vape, you look a lot less cool than you think
In fact, you look like you are blowing a USB stick. Or R2-D2’s detachable penis.
EXERCISE GEAR
33
Only buy black leggings
Any other colour simply makes a feature of the sweat around your box and crack. Pop on a pair of light grey leggings next time you exercise and you’ll see that even when you barely break a sweat up top, downstairs you’ll be showcasing a right Rorschach inkblot test in your pants. That’s why people in the gym are staring—they’re either trying to work out what the stain resembles or, worse, they’re wondering if you’ve wet yourself. Because it’s difficult to tell the difference between sweat and wee, so there’s a good chance you’ll just look like a lady who went a bit too wide on her warrior pose and blew a piss-valve.
34
Stop calling it active wear
Most people I see wearing ‘active wear’ are at the shopping centre. So perhaps we should use the term ‘Lycra shopping outfit’ instead.
35
Once you are no longer active, get changed
You may wear your exercise gear en route to the gym or the park or the hot yoga dojo or wherever you are going to be active. You may also keep it on as you make your way home again and you may even detour to the shops, briefly, to pick up a couple of things. But that’s it. Once you’re home, admit that you’re not going to be doing any more lunges or downward dogs and that it’s time to put on some less-active wear.
36
Dress according to the standard of cyclist you are
Many of us enjoy a hit of tennis yet I never see anyone down at my local club sporting a full Serena Williams–style catsuit. Cyclists should bear that in mind and rethink their cycling gear. If you’re not racing in the Tour de France, there’s absolutely no need for those gut-hugging tops with multiple pockets all around that allow you to strap energy bars to yourself like dynamite on a suicide bomber vest.
You can probably live without those three bananas and four Clif Bars, not to mention the numerous electrolyte sachets. After all, you’re only going to be riding for about an hour at the most. The larger part of your morning will be spent sprawled across multiple tables at the local cafe drinking lattes with all the other middle-aged men in padded ball-bag pants and zip tops covered in logos of sponsors who aren’t actually your sponsors. And the reason they aren’t your sponsors is because you’re not a professional cycling team. You’re just some dads in clip-cloppy shoes trying to get out of parenting on a Sunday morning.
37
Men must wear shorts over leggings
The gym is no place for people to discover whether or not you are circumcised. That’s a private discussion for another place and time.
WORKING OUT
38
Lift less, more quietly
The odd noise of exertion here and there is fine, but if you are grunting and puffing and blowing your cheeks out to the point where bits of spit are starting to fly around, take some weight off, it’s obviously too much for you.
39
Don’t tell people you box
You participate in a boxing class. It’s different.
40
No naked parading in the change rooms
I don’t care how good your body is, I don’t want to see it striding from one end of the change room to the other, or bending over while you rummage around in your gym bag for your matching bra and lacy thong set. You have a towel, use it.
41
No vigorous towelling
Pat or blot yourself dry after a shower. Don’t rub yourself so hard that all your bits start wobbling and jiggling about. Just accept that it may not be possible to get yourself bone dry when you’re in a communal change area—that’s why talcum powder was invented. Channel your inner old lady and throw a bit of powdery talc around down there instead.
42
Keep two feet firmly planted on the ground at all times
Under no circumstances should you treat the change room like a woodchopping event. Don’t even think about putting one foot up on the bench and then using that towel like a two-handed saw, going back and forth between your legs. If that’s how you must dry yourself, wait for an individual cubicle to become available and have a go at yourself in private.
43
The park is not a gym
Take your kettle bells, your giant ropes and your lumpy male trainers shouting, ‘Don’t give up on me, Doyanne! (Dianne)’ and get out of what should be a lovely green space in which to relax, perambulate, picnic or just play on the swings. (If you’re a child that is—please don’t be one of those cutesy girl-women who giggles and gets her date to push her on the swing in a bid to be adorable.)
AGEING GRACEFULLY
44
Old men should not have long hair
Cut the ponytail off, fellas. The bad news is, it probably wasn’t even cool way back when you were young, but now it’s even less cool and it’s making everyone around you a bit sad.
45
Don’t lie about your age
The number one thing to remember about getting older (aside from the fact that old men shouldn’t have long hair) is that lying about your age is pointless. If you try to appear younger by knocking a few years off when you state your age, all anyone thinks is, Wow, she looks dreadful! or Does this old bat think I’m stupid?
When someone asks me how old I am, I prefer to add a few years rather than take them off. That way people will think, Gee, she looks pretty damn good for sixty-five! However, this trick doesn’t always go to plan. The inherent and ever-present danger is that when you tell someone you’re sixty-five and you’re really only forty-five, they may simply take you at your word and think, Yeah, that seems about right.
46
