First, think very carefully about whether you really need a soft-focus, glassy-eyed shot of yourself dressed in high heels and a feather boa, kneeling on a whorish-looking bed surrounded by red satin cushions. And then think even more carefully about whether you need to put that photo on display anywhere.
THE BATHROOM
10
Your bathroom must have a door
This sounds absurdly obvious but there is a disturbing trend among fancy-pants architects at the moment to create en suite bathrooms with glass doors, or worse, no doors. I understand the desire to merge your indoor and outdoor spaces or to combine your living and dining room, but this open-plan bedroom–bathroom thing is nothing more than a seamless merger of pretension and gross impracticality (emphasis on the gross).
11
One basin is ample
No matter how much you and your partner love doing stuff together, there is absolutely no need to brush your teeth standing side by side, each with your own individual basin. Personally, I prefer to be alone in the bathroom no matter what I’m doing. However, if you happen to be one of those weird couples who like being in the bathroom together, abluting at the same time, then surely you are comfortable enough to spit into the same sink. Which means ‘twin vanities’ are completely unnecessary. One bathroom, one basin.
12
Don’t marinate in your own filth
The bathroom is not a library, there are far more pleasant, not to mention less smelly, places to read your book. Don’t linger in there, get in get out.
13
Replace the toilet roll
Just do it. You’re a grown-up. It takes ten seconds.
14
Do not leave one square of toilet paper on the roll
Don’t kid yourself, this is worse than not replacing the roll because of the effort required to leave that one square behind. Everyone knows it wasn’t an accident, it was a carefully orchestrated event carried out in order to avoid replacing the roll. You pulled gently on the paper, taking great care not to unravel all of it and leave an empty roll. You may even have reverse-rolled it to make sure you left that one square on there: one square that you know perfectly well is of no use to anyone.
And don’t be the dick that just sits the new roll on top of the empty roll, that doesn’t count either.
15
Shut the bathroom door
I’ll brook no argument or discussion about this one. If you are on the toilet, shut the bathroom door; it’s a basic courtesy to your fellow householders. No one should have to see anyone else mid-evacuation with their pants around their ankles. Parents with small children, you are the exception. I realise that toddlers like to be able to access you at all times and will often hammer relentlessly on a closed bathroom door, concerned and sometimes even alarmed about your sudden disappearance from view. (My dog is a bit the same.)
16
No talking on the toilet
The only words you should ever have to utter while on the toilet are ‘I’m in here’ or ‘just a minute’ in response to an enquiring knock on the door. Nothing is so important that it can’t wait until you exit the bathroom. This rule is of particular concern in public bathrooms. A lot of women love a gabfest in the can, somehow forgetting that there are germs flying around all over the place, and by flapping your gums and having a good old chitty chat, you are inviting those germs right into your mouth. Bottom line, if your bum is open, your mouth should be closed.
17
Don’t take food or beverages into the toilet
Who’d have thought that ever needed to be said? But apparently it does. You know who you are (American guy called Tom who lives in Manchester) and whom I witnessed take a newspaper and ‘hot cup of joe’ into the bathroom.
18
The bathroom bin is for bathroom rubbish only
Sometimes you find that the bathroom bin is the closest bin. Perhaps you arrive home, you’ve just finished eating a banana or a packet of Twisties and you spy the bathroom bin as you walk down the hall. You must forgo the urge to toss your empty wrappers in there. Because what happens is, the next time someone is using the toilet, they’ll look down into the bin, see the banana skin and think, Oh dear god, was someone eating a banana on the can? How disgusting!
19
Flush. Pause. Check—FPC
Always wait after flushing so you can do a final check to make sure you are leaving nothing behind. Nothing. Not a mark, not a smear—there should be zero evidence of what’s gone on in that bathroom. Don’t leave a crime scene.
20
No phone calls on the toilet
The only thing worse than having a phone call with someone who is on the toilet is the realisation that they are indeed on the toilet. It’s usually something that dawns on you slowly. Probably because—for most normal people—the idea of making calls from the dunny is beyond comprehension, so it always takes a while to put all the pieces together. First you notice the strange echo-chamber effect, then come the oddly timed pauses and strangled grunts in their speech. ‘So I wondered if you … hnnnn … could let Margaret … hnnnnnnn … know that I might be late … hnn … today.’ And finally confirmation comes when you actually hear the waterfall cascading into the bowl or, worse, the splashdown. Unbelievable as it may seem, a lot of people take calls while on the toilet; I know because I hear them do it in public toilets all the time. A phone rings and then the person actually answers it? ‘Yeah … hnnnyhello?’ What is wrong with these people? The toilet cubicle is not a phone booth.
THE KITCHEN
21
The sink is not a dishwasher
These days most people have a dishwasher or, as I like to call it, a magic, electric, washy-washy box. And it really is magical, you can put anything in there and it comes out clean, requiring minimal effort on your part. Yet there are still people who think that dumping dishes in the sink, near the dishwasher, is good enough. It isn’t. Either go the extra half a yard (literally—the dishwasher is never far from the sink) and pop that sucker in the dishwasher or wash it up. They’re your two options. Do not, however, just plonk it in the sink and think, Well done me!
22
Everything can
