Little Girl Lost: Volume 1 of the Little Girl Lost Trilogy. Cindy Hanna

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knowing what will come next. The pitch becomes higher and shriller until she can no longer hear herself think. This is far more intense than other battles.

       Somehow I must stop this. I have to do something!

      Summoning courage she does not know she possesses, she leaves the safety of her bed, opens her bedroom door and yells, “Stop! Stop fighting!”

      Her outcry is met with momentary silence. The awful, dreaded pause in the storm makes her want to disappear.

       What have I done?

      Her father rounds the corner in an instant, his face a blotchy crimson red. He rushes down the hallway towards her with alarming speed. “What?! What did you say?!”

      Terrified, Sally slams and locks her bedroom door. Backing away, she hopes it will hold, but knows it will not. The explosion comes—as expected. Shards of splintered wood erupt into her room as her father crashes through the door and races towards her. crashes through the door and races towards

      Blessedly, her memory stops there.

      * * * * *

      Sally opens her eyes and begins picking up her masturbatory toys. That’s what her husband James calls them—toys. She swings her legs over the side of the hammock, puts on her robe and, toys in hand, walks back to the house, shivering a bit at the cool breeze.

      Crossing the lawn, Sally realizes that although it haunts her, she feels at ease with her past. There she knows what will transpire, where, when and how it will occur. Like a frequently viewed movie, she watches the reels play out repeatedly, gaining a certain amount of comfort in knowing how they will end.

      Sally cannot help but question.

       How did my marriage manage to survive?

      While pondering, she realizes that getting through the tough challenges together is what made James’ and her relationship stronger.

      “Divorce,” Sally mutters aloud. The word leaves a vile taste in her mouth.

       What a nasty word. Why do so many people get divorced?

      She remembers back to when she was first familiarized with the concept, recalling her “sleepover” friend, Julie Anders, from her youth.

      * * * * *

      Julie’s parents, like Sally’s, do not get along—their disagreements end one day when Mrs. Anders announces, “I want a divorce!”

      There is no more shouting or name-calling, just that awful word— divorce. Sally, unaware at the time, soon witnesses the life-altering effects it has on individuals. The changes come rapidly. Mr. Anders moves. Next, their house sells. A month later, Julie and her mother move to Texas to live with her maternal grandparents. Sally never sees her friend again. It is all so sudden—so permanent.

      Three years pass since the argument where Sally screamed at her parents to stop fighting. She is ten and Eric eight.

       It’s not fair. Eric and I shouldn’t have to grow up this much.

       We’ve seen and experienced way too much.

      Sally finds that the less she is acquainted with the word divorce, the happier she is. Soon, however, she discovers that she is not immune. Divorce descends upon her own family like a dark cloud, eclipsing the sun’s rays.

      One day, her mother finally has enough: enough beatings, enough verbal abuse and enough feeling helpless as she watches her husband beat their children. While their father is at work, her mom packs a few belongings for each of them. Completing her task, she calls, “Come on, kids, we’re going to stay with your grandparents.”

      Eric questions, “But what about Daddy? Is he coming?”

      “No!” She takes both children and seeks sanctuary with her parents who live in Pasadena. Her father helps her file for divorce. He also protects her and the children, like a ferocious pit bull, when his son-in-law arrives, demanding that his family return home with him.

      Time passes quickly after her parents’ divorce. Sally and Eric stay with their mother, per the court order. In an act of kindness her father doesn’t often show, he moves out so his wife and children can return home.

      Sally and her brother grow inseparable. Their community, centered on conformity, places a negative stigma upon them. Sally is protective of her younger brother, often commenting, “It’s just the two of us.

      Gotta look out for each other.”

      “Promise you won’t ever leave me,” Eric says.

      Sally hugs her little brother tight. “I promise. I’ll always be there to protect you.”

      Eric smiles and hugs her back.

      The siblings take solace in being the other’s best friend and confidant. They have each other. Alone, their mother shoulders the burden of being a divorcee. Sally watches how her mother is shunned from social circles and repeatedly turned down when she volunteers to help with school and team activities.

      She observes her mother’s frustration.

       I’m never going to put myself through the hell of divorce.

      Sally feels the sharp sting of rejection from the same neighborhood kids she has always run with.

       I haven’t changed or done anything wrong. My parents just got divorced. I don’t understand why the other kids avoid me.

      Sally is jealous as she watches other kids play together with their complete families.

       Look at them with their cocky smiles, the one that shows how happy and safe they feel.

      She wants to run up to them and shout, “Wipe that smug grin off your face! Don’t you know? Nothing ever stays the same. People change and families crumble right before your eyes.” Instead, she chokes back tears and turns to her brother as an ally.

      The McFees feel freest at the beach, where they blend in with the masses and have a sense of anonymity. Whenever they can, they drive to their sandy sanctuary for several hours of therapeutic fun and relaxation.

      Years pass. Sally becomes a pre-teen and then a teenager. Her mother never remarries. Sally and Eric become more inseparable.

      The day Sally gets her driver’s license, Eric is there to congratulate her, “Way to go! Weren’t you nervous?”

      “Yeah. I was scared I’d screw up.”

      Upon arriving home, their mother looks at Sally and suggests, “Why don’t you two take the car and drive around a bit?”

      “Really?!”

      “Sure. Just be back before dark. Okay?”

      Sally

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