a first time reader, welcome! As my dedication reads, “I dedicate this book to you who have picked it up because you are ready to begin. Helping one person realize life is worth living has served its purpose…I hope it is you.”
To those who have shared my story before, may you be comforted to know, the rainbow continues.
I have been thinking long and hard over the last couple of years about the type of book I wanted to write. I have always known I would write one, but was never sure of the angle. That indecision is over.
With over 20 years of journals, and the documentation of the good, the bad and the ugly, I decided to dive into my recovery. As I began this process, reading my journals was often painful and pathetic. I was acutely conscious of wasted years, and occasionally I could not continue to read, but I persisted because I knew the end result would be useful not only to a sufferer, but to myself. Reviewing them was another step towards continued wellness for me.
I am not a medical professional. What I write are words from a wounded soul to a strong survivor. This book is not a medical reference book. My road to recovery may not be deemed “traditional” but it has worked for me.
My roller coaster of eating disorders has seen my 5’8” frame range from 179lbs to a mere 78lbs. With conviction stemming from experience, I empathize with all those suffering from eating disorders. I have overeaten, consuming everything in sight, hoping to numb the confusion inside. I have restricted intake hoping to literally fade away. I have dealt with the binge cycle, a short-term solution to deal with my inner pain. These latter diseases have monopolized most of my life. What I write and the feelings I note may not strike a chord for each of you, but for most, I think they will be familiar. I know the overwhelming power that food and weight can have on your life even though it is not in truth what it is all about.
Inside you will find a variety of words, diary entries, letters from family and friends, photographs, poems, quotes and journal keepsakes. I have made an effort to share the real, the raw, the results. Through my journey you will see the forks in the road and the techniques or tips that helped detour my death wish destination.
I use these techniques daily because they not only get me through my day, they help to make me enjoy my day.
Sounds impossible doesn’t it?
If you are as I was, you could not imagine looking forward to the morning. The dread, the weigh scale, the food, the clothes, the social functions, the people, the comments; it was a battle to deal with every day, every hour, every minute, every second.
It is important to note that what works for me may not work for you. The idea is to adapt the ideas that best work for you. The suggestions in this book are meant to initiate change and stimulate a new thought process for you towards wellness.
It will take a lot of practice to change. One phrase that has real merit is, “fake it ’til you feel it.” Over time you will be amazed by the change.
I have agonized on the format knowing that I have suffered from a wide range of eating disorders, but that feeling vanished after I attended a recent book reading. The author who had written her own painful life story advised me to “Dig in. Go with your heart. The rest will take care of itself.” So inside..... is my heart.
I hope you enjoy this book. Its aim is to inform, provoke, but most importantly to inspire you to take that first step in recovery. You are worth the effort.
Journal Entry
February 21st 1993
You cannot climb high mountains Before you’ve walked low ground And on the road to wisdom No short cuts can be found Have courage in adversity You will not strive in vain There never was a rainbow Without a fall of rain.
I wish I had written the name of the author of this poem but to whoever it is, thank you. I wrote down this poem as I was struggling one day with how to get better, not understanding the painful process. And it is a process, not a quick fix.
As I read through my journals it is hard to believe the person’s handwriting was mine, that the deep thoughts, the pain, the suffering were mine. The hatred, the self loathing, the paranoia, the jealousy, the meanness, the feelings were all mine.
The hollowness, the cold and stinging hands, the swollen legs, the longing for death. Every feeling, every desperate thought...mine!
Who was that person?
Today I embrace life, participate in life, look forward to life!
How can I possibly be the same person? I look at pictures and I seemed so sad, so numb and now it’s as though I have had life pumped back into me. I wish the way I feel now was contagious because I’d fill a room with eating disorder sufferers and spread it endlessly. But it’s not that simple. The disease is never the same for two and neither is recovery, but stories can be shared.
“I believe that the element of sharing stories of wellness is crucial for recovery. When we tell our stories, even if for a moment, isolation is gone. Sharing the pain and the struggle seems to lessen the bad thoughts and sharing stories of recovery reminds us and encourages us to continue trying.”
Maybe there is one thing in someone’s story that you have not heard or tried. It may be the something that can make a difference for you. I have chosen to write this book because I am well and want to share my road to the rainbow with others, hoping that something I have done can help you. My aim is to help many, but my soul will be filled if one person can be helped because it begins with one. One drop to begin an ocean; one brick to build a museum; one step on the road; one step towards the rainbow.
I begin this book with painful and dark journal entries. I want to share them because I feel it is important to understand the rain, in order to appreciate the rainbow. It is important to know where I have been: the journey from the depths of despair to a life filled with the colours of the rainbow, a life filled with joy, contentment, calm, peace and enthusiasm.
Maybe some of these feelings will hit a nerve, I hope they do. I let you in, to let you know, you are not alone.
Journal Entry
April 5th 1989
“Publisher’s daughter found dead in Garage – Suicide Suspected”
Local publisher of The Recorder and Times, Hunter Grant, has lost his daughter late yesterday afternoon due to apparent suicide. Meredith Grant was found dead this afternoon by Steve Hook who, simply going to the house to visit, noticed an exhaust smell coming from the garage. Hook entered the garage to find the engine of the 1987 Tercel on with Miss Grant inside, door locked.
Police and ambulance were notified and Miss Grant was pronounced dead on arrival. Hunter Grant and his wife Betty were notified immediately in Toronto where they were both attending a Newspaper conference. Both in shock, they arrived home late last evening and are concentrating on arrangements to be made.
Meredith 23, was born in Brockville August 7th, 1965. She attended Brock and Prince of Wales Public Schools, Grenville Christian College,
