child, as I recall being called. I used food as a comfort and used it to cover over my pain. From this time until the end of high school I used food as a way to numb the pain. Other pressures were evident: peer pressure, comments and jokes from boys. In grade 5, I was chased down the street after school by a couple of the popular boys at school who called me Bessie the Cow. I was devastated. I remember thinking maybe my abuser was right. These boys were reinforcing the thoughts that had already been firmly placed in my mind.
Preoccupation with food and weight at this time was also emerging within my family. My dad had been told by his doctor to lose weight and he heeded his advice immediately, seeming to live off half a grapefruit and chilled consommé.
There is such irony about weight. It is not healthy to weigh too much, but it is equally as life threatening to weigh too little. Unfortunately Dad’s eating behaviour and the knowledge he was gaining about food, weight, cholesterol, etc., became information that was shared with us as well, in excess. Dad will be the first to acknowledge hounding us on our eating habits. As a family, we have been able to discuss this influence and how important a support system is, not only in recovery, but its influence in how you perceive yourself.
“A parent’s or caretaker’s view of him/herself, and views towards food, exercise and body image can have a huge impact on a child.”
Messages of losing weight were also reinforced by the diet books and quick fix diets plastered on magazine covers picked up by Mom at the local grocery store. My mother was not alone in these purchases. Most of my friends' mothers had the same magazines on their coffee tables. Also, as early as elementary school the “girls” envied the stars and the shapes they portrayed on the pages of magazines and on television screens.
Within our family, weight issues were a concern of more than one relative. I remember going to my grandmother’s and diet pills were everywhere. My aunts talked about the battle of the bulge. It was pervasive.
It certainly was not my parent’s intent to encourage an eating disorder. In my father’s case he was following doctor’s orders and in my mother’s case, influenced by media messages and her own personal environment. As my dad always said, “You don’t go to school to be a parent,” and parents certainly have not been well informed on eating disorders. The shame of it is that often parents have to learn about eating disorders long after symptoms are recognized, instead of having the information as a proactive device earlier on.
The truth is that we are bombarded with messages about food and weight. We are obsessed with cooking shows and recipes, but at the same time encouraged to limit intake and join one weight program after the other...mixed messages? I certainly think so. You can watch a program with celebrity chefs like Wolfgang Puck creating a cheese dish and the commercial following the program is a Weight Watchers promotional ad.
And so a trend developed. Through therapy, journaling and education I began to see that while low self esteem was firmly rooted, continuing circumstances reinforced those ingrained messages.
I have often said throughout my recovery, “Give me any other problem with a substance,” for example, cigarettes. In truth, your body does not need nicotine to remain alive but it does require food, so you must learn how to deal with it. The reality is food serves a variety of purposes beyond nutrition. In food, people find comfort. They use it as a reward. It’s a hobby for others, a recreation. But also to many, food is an enemy.
The trick is appreciating it for what it is...fuel. I have said to students, “Think of it like gas in a car: too little it won’t move; too much it overflows.” For all of us it means finding a happy medium. For an eating disorder sufferer this happy medium often seems elusive, but it is possible.
The innocence of the child. Meredith around 2 years old.
The innocence taken away. 10 years old... abuse beginning.
Increase in weight, using food as a comfort.
The Past Continues.....
While the abuse triggered the development of an eating disorder, emotional issues also escalated the problem.
In grade 9 I attended a private school with very bizarre practices which continued to complicate my problem. Before I stepped in the door of this establishment I had low self esteem. Having been abused, I was emotional and vulnerable. Unfortunately, while not planned, the school became yet another reinforcement of low self esteem.
Three episodes in particular were notable. The first was during a Bible class with all the female boarders. The headmaster’s wife read a scripture dealing with men and women, with the message that any intimacy prior to marriage was a sin. I thought, “Not only do I feel odd to begin with having been touched and treated inappropriately by a neighbour, but now in the eyes of God I am considered a sinner too.”
The reinforcements continued. During a communion service I fell asleep and one of the girls said she wanted to talk to me with the “ladies” after chapel. I remember three staff members and this girl saying they felt a bad spirit from me in church and that I needed to ask the lord to show me where I was wrong. Everything was always my fault. I wasn’t even allowed to be tired. The influence and the mind bending tricks by the ladies continued. I recall being awakened by one of the “ladies” (this is the phrase given to the female staff) very late in the evening (I had been asleep for some time). I was brought into a room where all the female staff were waiting. I remember thinking how it was extremely odd that one was ironing while the remainder of them sat in a circle on chairs. What was going on? I soon found out.
I was put in the middle of this circle. One by one they insulted me, said I had a bad spirit, and that I was a rotten apple spoiling the barrel. They asked if I knew what my problem was? I answered no. They went on to discuss their theory... my problem was that my father loved my brother, and he didn’t love me.
What kind of sick people do this? I certainly did not think God-fearing Christians did. Over the years I have learned not to equate all Christians with this group and thankfully redeveloped my faith. The sad thing about this incident is that I believed them for many years thereafter. It was another thought that was wrongly enforced on me that continued to grow. I was only 14 years old. I was feeling so confused and cornered by these adults. I felt as though I had little or no control over anything, including my feelings.
I decided to go on a hunger strike, eating nothing, and I lost 20lbs in a little over two weeks. I was driving the staff nuts and it became a tool for getting me out of the school as a boarder. I was being heard; I had power; I had control.
Things seemed to settle down for a while when I returned to the local high school with familiar friends and a happy environment, but deep down I still felt sad and overwhelmed by the feelings I had inside. I had particular difficulty with relationships, especially in terms of intimacy. I began to overeat, initially to comfort myself, and ballooned to 178lbs (the first of many unhealthy weights). I didn’t feel any better at this weight and I was out of control: not only was my weight out of control, but also my life. I asked myself if I had ever felt in control. If only for a brief moment I did remember sensing control when I lost weight. It began again. But this time it was different.
I
