to make their wives feel abnormal enough that they would stop asking for sex. This accusation usually came when they were running out of headache excuses to avoid the physical interaction that was being increasingly difficult to pull off.
When I investigated further about Vivien Leigh’s life, I learned that the love of her life was Sir Lawrence Olivier. Olivier was gay or as some men like to call themselves, “Bisexual.” Was I surprised to find this? No not at all. It was so much easier to label Leigh a “nymphomaniac than to understand the real problem—her husband’s homosexuality.
I understand this. I know what it’s like to be told that the fault for bad sex in a marriage is my fault. My husband used to say that I was too demanding or too pushy when it came to wanting sex. I remember what it feels like to be told that wanting sex as much as I wanted it was “abnormal.” I couldn’t understand why once or twice a week was “excessive” for a newly married couple. I would voice this concern only to be shot down with more insults. When my husband saw that I wasn’t backing off, he resorted to calling me the worst name of all…nymphomaniac. That quickly put to rest any thoughts for a night of passion. It belittled me enough not to ask again. So sex (not lovemaking) deteriorated quickly within that first year and I became too ashamed to suggest or approach it.
I learned through conditioning that I was much too “aggressive” in that area, so I stepped back and retreated.
Yep, it hurt like hell. I think this is one of the worst parts of being a wife of a gay man. It slowly strips away from you one of the most important parts of being a woman. You start to believe that you are inadequate as a lover. After all, if you were a good lover, your husband would want you, right? Well, we know in these cases, wrong, but while we’re living this way, it’s hard to keep it in perspective.
Getting back to Vivien Leigh, the more I researched her life, the angrier I became. It is common knowledge that she suffered from mental depression. She went through a series of shock treatments and was labeled manic/depressive. Sir Lawrence Olivier finally left her twenty plus years into their marriage saying he could no longer deal with her mental state. It seems to fit the prototype of so many of our own marriages. Some biographers attribute her depression to her tuberculosis, as explained away by some medical practitioners. I guess back in the 1950’s and 1960’s, the medical field wasn’t aware of the mentally debilitating state of straight wives married to gay men. I’m sure there were not any support groups around for women in this position.
It is interesting that so many of the women I hear from and work with are also taking medication for depression. Even more interesting is the fact that none of them are suffering from tuberculosis. Rather, they are depressed because they feel like they are failures in their lives and marriages. They cannot please their husbands no matter how hard they try, and they place the blame on themselves. Even after they know the real problem in their marriage, they continue to be depressed internalizing the blame. We may rationalize intellectually it is not our fault, but on some level, our intellect is clouded by irrational emotional feelings of responsibility.
If Vivien Leigh were alive today, no doubt she would have much greater support in her struggle to understand why her marriage failed, why she was depressed, and why she was a normal woman with normal sexual desires. The love of her life went on to marry some other love in his life after the marriage ended. How that marriage worked out is a mystery.
So the next time you see a movie with Vivien Leigh, realize that we hold a common bond with her. Let her serve as an example of what can happen to a woman when she lives her life in a maze of distortion. And let us also learn from her tragedy and seek professional help to put our lives on track lest we end up spending wasted years on medications that don’t change the source of our unhappiness.
“AND TALKING ABOUT SEXUALITY”…
I won’t tiptoe around the subject. I know that sometimes it takes a while before women are able to discuss this sensitive issue. Eventually it comes to the forefront, but sometimes it is too painful or embarrassing an issue to discuss one on one or even in a group. Therefore, I will write this to the many of you who think about it, but are too afraid to talk about it.
In my book, “The Gay Husband Checklist for Women Who Wonder,” I have a checklist for the prototype of woman that gay men seek out. Sometimes it is a conscious search; other times it is an unconscious choice. But there does seem to be a list that most of us fit in to.
The majority of women whom I hear from fit into the category of “women with limited sexual experience.” I can usually spot these women quickly because they send me similar letters. They write that they thought their sexual relationship with their gay husband was satisfactory or satisfying. Usually they add in that is fine when they have “sex”---it just doesn’t happen very often. It makes me so sad that women think that the sexual acts they have had with their gay husbands is, well, for lack of a better term, “REAL SEX.” Gay husband egos aside, it is satisfactory sex, or perhaps functionary sex. But real true passion—well, it’s just not.
Truth be told—I know the difference. Not only did I have a gay husband, I also had a couple of gay boyfriends in my younger years. We did “it,” but “it” always left something to be desired. My exhusband Michael wasn’t bad on those occasions when we had sex. But it always seemed like he had to try so hard—almost forced—after the honeymoon was over. And there’s nothing to deflate your ego more than thinking that a man is doing you a favor by making love to you—especially a man who loves you.
I called Michael last week and asked him if he could think back to the days when we were sexually involved prior to and shortly after the marriage. I told him that I needed his honest, objective opinion about our sex life together. Did he really enjoy it? Did he look forward to it? Was it a hardship for him? He told me that in the beginning, he actually did enjoy it. Having sex with me was working toward his goal of getting married and having a family. He was hoping that I would be the solution to his fantasy of the American dream.
He still did not consider himself gay at that point although he had already had numerous gay sexual encounters. But he felt that he was straight because he never had an emotional entanglement with these guys. There was no kissing, hugging or intimacy—it was just sex. I hear that from many gay men who cross over the line to the straight side for a while. They are not trying to fool us—they are trying to fool Mother Nature. Or they are hoping that Mother Nature has been playing a joke on them because they are able to perform with a woman to some degree. Michael was certainly adequate enough as a lover to fool me. It was never a great sex life, but it was a good sex life for the first few months. There was nothing that out of whack that would make me suspicious that he was gay.
Now, all these years later, I am happy to say that I could definitely tell the difference. This is due to the love of an exceptional man who entered my life seven and a half years ago. It wasn’t love at first sight on his part, but it was on mine. After chasing him for 16 months, he gave in and we began what I define as the love affair of my life. We’ve had some bumpy moments in our relationship, but this is due to the fact that he is a man and I am a woman. You know how men are from Mars, and women are from Venus. One road that has never been bumpy is our sex life. After seven and a half years, it is still top of the line. He is playful and passionate. He aims to please because he gets satisfaction out of pleasing me—and it turns him on instead of off. Every encounter is an adventure. We don’t have sex—we make love. This is perhaps the real difference. Making love to someone is an important way of expressing love. Wanting to please your partner before pleasing yourself is the most unselfish form of showing love. Making sure that your partner is satisfied shows the real nature of giving love. I have come to enjoy new aspects of lovemaking that I never dreamt existed. And I don’t have to scheme about how I can have him make love to me. He is always ready, able, and willing to go. We are a middle-aged couple whose sex life is continually peaking.
This
