are so remote. AIDS is not airborne, nor can you get it from drinking from the same glass, using the same towel, or sharing the same bed. It is transmitted through blood or semen, so if you and your gay mate have been sharing needles it is possible. Once blood reaches the air, the virus dies within a matter of seconds. So unless your husband has been bleeding on you after he is cut and you have an open wound, I wouldn’t worry about it. I tell women that if it will give you peace of mind to be tested, than do it. But there is no reason to have this irrational fear if you haven’t had sexual relations with your husband for over a year.
But, if your husband has had recent sexual relations with you, then definitely get tested. Even if he tells you that he hasn’t acted on his homosexuality, get tested anyway. Gay men coming out to their wives often lie about their sexual experiences because it is too difficult to tell the truth. Sometimes the truth comes out weeks, months, or years later. Sometimes it never comes out. So you do need to protect yourself and get tested.
If you have had recent sexual relations with your husband, it is good to check out all sexually transmitted diseases—not just AIDS. Numerous women have had complications because they had STDs and were not aware of it until complications prevailed. STDs can fester for a while before they appear so you may think you’re safe when you’re not.
HEY BONNIE KAYE, I’M GOING TO BE THE EXCEPTION TO YOUR RULE
Each week, I received dozens of letters from women who are looking for advice and help. Some of them are asking for hope in their marriages, explaining that they are able to accept their husbands’ indiscretions and confessions because their husbands are filled with remorse and promises that it won’t happen again. I answer them gently, but honestly, explaining that the best of intentions at the moment of confession will not be the way it will stay indefinitely. I go on to state that when a husband is finally ready to reveal his sexuality, it is not unusual for him to try desperately to find a way to keep his marriage together if he is not ready to leave it. Most men don’t confess the truth until they are ready to leave the marriage, but some reveal the information in an effort to “cleanse their guilt” and hope that this will absolve them from their homosexuality. After all, isn’t confession good for the soul?
A few of these women get angry with me claiming that I don’t understand. Their husbands are good men who have been wonderful husbands and fathers except in this one instance. They can’t understand why I would want to break up a perfectly good marriage when they could get help to resolve this one problem. And their husbands chime in. “I can change. I will go for help and be able to keep my marriage together.” And they begin to go for family counseling together, finding out ways to work around this problem that will make the couple live happily ever after forever. They will show me that my jaded views on straight/gay marriages are not true in every case.
So, let me reiterate this again. I know that there are exceptions to every rule. I am sure that there must be a marriage out there that is working out well, even though I haven’t found it yet. It all depends on what you consider to be a marriage that is working.
Recently, an angry woman refuted the information that I sent to her, calling me on numerous quotes from the newsletters. She claimed that her marriage was wonderful in most ways. In fact, in one of her correspondences to me she stated,
“I think because of his gay tendencies, he has been more attentive, more loving, more sensitive, more compassionate....His gay side has been an attribute to his personality.”
I don’t doubt these words. Most of us fell in love with our gay husbands because they were attentive, sensitive and compassionate.
Another statement she made was:
“I was a confident, fulfilled, happily married woman, wife and mother. He did have a secret life going on but it did not affect me, or how I was living. Not until he “came out” did our lives begin to change, and I sense that they will turn for the better, not for the worse, or the dissolving of our marriage.”
I am not quite sure what this means. To me, if a husband is having a secret life, how can it not affect you when the news comes out? I personally believe that this information means that the life you think you were living with someone is a lie. And not just a little fib, but a totally big lie. If a husband is having a secret life apart from you, regardless of the sexuality issue, how does this equate to something that will make your marriage turn for the better? If any of you understand this, please educate me—I’m a willing learner.
She then continues:
“I take it from this that you believe that there is simply NO WAY that you will support those trying to keep their marriages intact, you even say that you will REFUSE to support anyone, like us, who is determined to keep our marriage together, and that you will only give support and understanding to those that are dissolving their marriages. It seems as if you are an advocate for divorce instead of restoration. We are looking for restoration, not devastation.”
Well, yes, that is true. I just don’t know how in good conscience to give support to couples who want to keep these marriages together. I don’t know how to tell any woman that she has to try to understand that her husband will always on some level be attracted to other men. I don’t know how to advise women that no matter how hard they try to be good wives that this will never be enough to stop their husbands from wanting to have sex with men. I don’t know how to get women to erase from their minds and memories the information that they have come to learn, nor do I know why I should expect them to accept this as acceptable in a marriage based on trust between two people.
And I’m okay with this. I’ll take my chances keeping my points of view. I know that there are marriages that are coping through this situation for various reasons. They are staying together because it fits whatever needs are there. They can be for financial reasons, family reasons, or emotional reasons. And I am willing to give support to anyone who is in a marriage like this as long as they understand that I am not supporting the marriage—but rather her.
The women that I work with are in all different phases of their lives. Although the majority of women are divorced, some are still in their marriages. But those who are in them have no false illusions or hopes. They are there physically because of circumstances, but they are not there mentally or emotionally. I give them support so they do not get lost in an emotional blitz of unreality and denial. Some women just can’t make the break at the moment, but they don’t delude themselves into thinking that their marriages are working. They are working the marriage because at the moment, they need to for various reasons. They are wise to the fact that their marriages will never be what they need them to be, and they don’t try to make them into something that they can’t be. They know that when the right time arises, they will be able to physically leave as well.
Chances are, if you are married and part of my support network, you know exactly what I mean. Sometimes women are stuck in relationships due to various predicaments. I have a number of you whom I correspond with regularly who are there out of obligation because your husbands are ill and you can’t walk away. You are good women who have made a conscious decision to do what you have to for the time being until the opportunity comes when you can break free and live with your own conscience. But to encourage you to stay in your marriages by telling you to forgive your husband for marrying you knowing he was gay or to understand that he later came to terms with his homosexuality and it’s not a big deal, would be ludicrous. I won’t do it. I can’t do it.
As I advised this woman, there are people you can find who can accept this way of life. The Internet affords people the opportunity to search for magical answers and solutions that fit everyone’s needs if you search long and hard enough that I don’t give. There are couples who are living with homosexuality in their marriages and somehow coping with it and even accepting it. And there are all kinds of well meaning and professional people out there who will
