husband to hold off on acting on his sexual impulses until the children are grown. After all, it’s much better for children to be raised by two parents than one, which is not the way I feel when a marriage is just a functional marriage. I don’t know how gay men put aside their feelings for twenty years or so and not act on them, but if they can, more power to them. I’m sure there are men out there who are doing this even though I haven’t met them. And in all fairness, is this right thing to do to the wife? Give her a sense of false security that the marriage is workable until the children are grown and then say, “Well honey, the kids are grown and now it’s time for me to pursue my own life?” Now that the wife has invested years of her time building a marriage, she is faced with the same nightmare only at a later time when she has to start over and it’s more difficult because years of her life have been wasted in a relationship that is ending.
And one last comment that I’d like to share with you that offended this woman:
I resent being told that “Gay men do not belong married to straight women. Period.” How can you say that with such absoluteness, without knowing individual situations? This implies ALL, every single one. That none should be married. Period. How can you make such a definite, 100% claim?”
All I can say here is that I stand by my words. Gay men do not belong in marriages to straight women. Period. 100%.
WHEN THERE’S JUST NO PROOF
Every week, I receive numerous letters from women who are desperate to find “proof” that their husbands are “bisexual” or gay. On my website at www.Gayhusbands.com, I have a section called, “Catch Him.” It gives women the directions to check their computer’s temporary Internet files on line to see if there are any gay sites that their husbands are visiting. I also advise them to install inexpensive spyware to monitor all of their husbands’ activities. Some of these women write back to me after finding the evidence that they were so afraid of finding. At the same time, there is a great sense of relief because their suspicions were finally confirmed.
It’s interesting to see the various emotional reactions after women confront their husbands with their discoveries. Some rethink their immediate fears and write back to me saying that after questioning their husbands with the information, and they were made to secondguess their suspicions when their husbands give them a perfectly logical explanation as to how these websites appeared. Here are some of the most common explanations:
1. “He claims he has no clue how they got there. Someone else must have been using the computer.” In other words, there are gay men sneaking into your home and using your computer to go to gay pornographic websites right under your nose but you don’t notice it.
2. “A friend of his at work is having sexual identity problems. He asked my husband to do some research for him because he’s too embarrassed to do it himself.” This means that your husband must be an exceptional man if he is willing to help a gay man come to terms with his homosexuality by visiting numerous gay porno sites. Does this educate your husband so he can be an effective helper?
3. “My husband said that it is normal for men to look at all kinds of sexual sites. It doesn’t mean anything just because the sites are gay. It’s normal curiosity.” I still haven’t met the straight man yet who is sexually turned on by the site of men having sex. Curiosity may account for a one-time look, but not repeated visits.
4. “My husband said that just because he is looking at gay sites doesn’t mean that he is going to have sex with men.” So why isn’t he looking at sites where women are having sex with men? Why doesn’t that turn him on instead?”
Well, I stand by my words. Straight men don’t view gay porno sites. Consider this the confirmation you are looking for. You don’t have to look any further. You definitely have a problem, or shall I say, your husband and your marriage definitely have a problem.
As hurtful as this confirmation may be, these are the lucky women because they have something concrete to back up their suspicions. I hurt for the women who just can’t get any proof. Their husbands don’t use a home computer or have a computer at work that can’t be accessed. They are experts at covering their trails and leave no hard evidence around.
For those of you who write to me and are perplexed and confused about how to find proof about your husbands, let me say this. Some of you will never find what you are looking for no matter how hard you look. I know women who have spent countless thousands of dollars hiring private detectives to track their husbands and they still didn’t get the proof they needed. That’s because you would literally have to shadow someone day in and day out for long periods of time before you could sometimes find that proof. Some of these men are very clever and very cautious. They carefully cover their tracks so no information can be found. Unless you have tens of thousands of dollars to spend on this, it’s virtually undoable. I give a lot of credit to the ingenuity of some of the women who write to me who go to such lengths to find any slipup. This includes going through cell phone bills, putting taps on the phones at home, and carefully scrutinizing credit card bills and receipts. Sometimes there is an answer by doing all of this. But sometimes there are no answers and more often, no way to access this information.
So let me give this word of encouragement. Most often, a woman’s best proof is her own sense of intuition. I trust that more than I trust other findings. Women have a sixth sense when it comes to these matters. I often ask women who write to me why they suspect their husbands are gay as opposed to having an affair with another woman. And the reasons usually fall into line. Every blue moon I am able to comfort a woman and tell her that her suspicions don’t seem to indicate homosexuality, but that is the rarity. And believe me, I’m thrilled when I am able to relieve someone’s fears. But in almost all cases, I know there is a problem.
Most women who write to me for help are not women who are in happy marriages. I’m still at a loss to understand why people are willing to stay in a marriage that is not rewarding, lacks affection and passion, and gives little if any emotional encouragement or selfesteem building. I say this to women who are in marriages with straight men, not just gay men. I believe that life is short—unless, of course, you are saddled in a bad relationship. Then it becomes very long and grueling. I never quite understand why women are willing to throw away years of their life that could be rewarding and fulfilling to stay in a relationship that is debilitating and at best, existing. People marry with good intentions, but that doesn’t mean it is going to work out. Ironically, women married to gay men try to stick out their marriages much longer than women in unhappy straight marriages. I understand why, but it’s not a pleasant picture.
Women who are married to gay men feel this need to keep trying to make something work that is not workable. They internalize that the failure of the marriage is their failure, when in fact there is nothing they can do to make these marriages successful. It’s beyond their control, but they can’t accept that internally. They go back to the “if only” game—”if only I can be a better wife, my husband will love me more and be happy with me.” As I’ve discussed in earlier newsletters, this just doesn’t happen. We are not the cause of our husbands’ unhappiness in the marriage. Homosexuality is the cause. We just look like the cause to them because we are what are standing in the way of them acting on their needs, so we become the “whipping girls” so to speak.
So, for the record, let me say this. If your marriage is failing and you have tried every reasonable thing to make it better and it still isn’t working, cut your losses. Stop looking for proof and wasting more days, months, and years. Look for a way to get out of the marriage. Start making a plan to find a way to move on. You don’t have to feel guilty or like a failure.
