themselves in these stories.
So now what? Is there anything that hasn’t been said in one form or another? Well, YES! The problem is that over 50% of gay husbands are still closeted in denial about their homosexuality. Therefore, there will always be more to be learned by their wives who live in the darkness of their lies in hopes that they can see the light and realize the truth.
As a counselor for over 30,000 women with gay husbands since 1984, no one has seen more wasted years of unhappiness and struggle in this field than me. The average length of marriage for the women I work with is 22 years. If that is the average, think of how many marriages are even longer. When I think of the pain, confusion, and suffering of so many women who blame themselves for the failure in their marriages which they have no clue about or control over, it makes me very sad. It also makes me very angry. It makes me angry because I believe that life is a gift. No man has the right to take away one moment of our lives from us; imagine taking 10, 20, 30, or 40 plus years away from caring, loving women.
I am the first to say that homosexuality is not an easy admission to make when you grow up in a society that is not accepting and unforgiving. I truly admire those gay people who toss their fate to the wind and don’t care. They are open and honest, taking whatever consequences come their way. I even admire gay men who are not open about their homosexuality, but they can accept who they are and don’t feel the need to escape from it by marrying a woman.
To go one step further, I am also understanding of those men who marry HOPING against hope that marriage will make them straight when they know they have attractions to men. Most gay men who get married love their wives to the best of their ability. They are not marrying them because they “hate” women or because they are trying to “trick” us. They are actually trying to “trick” themselves into thinking that we will be able to eliminate those feelings they so desperately don’t want to feel.
Sometimes marriage works for a while. Some gay men really believe that loving their wives has taken away those nagging male sexual attractions. Love is a powerful thing--at least it is at first. But it is only a matter of time until those attractions start creeping back again, and the desire to act on them becomes so consuming that they become the primary thought on the man’s mind. At that point, some men are honest about it and tell their wives. I tell my women that as hard as it is to learn the truth, it is much harder not knowing and wondering why the marriage is failing.
When gay husbands refuse to be honest, it shows that they care more about themselves than their wives. I have heard the excuses including, “I don’t want to hurt my wife because I love her,” but this is an excuse for men who lack the courage to do the right thing. Love means telling your wife that she is not desirable to you because you are a gay man. Love is telling your wife that her normal sexual urges are being denied because you are a gay man, not because she is a nymphomaniac. Love is letting your wife know that she had nothing to do with these feelings you have for men. You were born this way—she didn’t turn you this way.
I wanted to put together a “self-help” book for women who are still confused. Many of my own support group members were clueless for so long. They didn’t understand that a gay man could marry them. They thought that gay meant “same sex attraction.” If there were problems in the marriage, they came to believe that THEY were the cause of the problems— never guessing what the real problem was.
I asked my group to participate in this book by addressing the following issues that seem to evade our women the most:
1. Red Flags: What signs you missed when you look back?
People feel that we should have known—were we blinded by love? Were we naïve? Didn’t we suspect anything was wrong from the beginning? After the marriage, we often say that hindsight is 20/20. There were signs, we just did not see them, believe them, or understand them. I want other women to be able to identify with these signs.
2. Blame was the Name of His Game: How did your husbands blame you for the failures in your marriage rather than take responsibility?
Many of us were blamed for everything that went wrong in our marriages. We were never smart enough, supportive enough, clean enough, or attractive enough. We were too pushy, too domineering, too demanding, or wanted too much sex. Some have actually accused us of “making them gay” for those reasons.
3. Sex Tells It All: The excuses your husbands used to not have sex.
Sex—rather lack of it--is one of the primary problems that most of us faced. Some of our husbands used some incredible excuses not to have sex including medications, illnesses, depression, and work. It seems with their gay male lovers, they do not need to use an excuse.
4. How I Caught Him: How you were able to catch your husbands if you did catch them, helping to give tips to other women.
Some of you were successful by catching them via the Internet, tracking systems, tracing cell phone calls, or other methods. In other words, the detective work you did and how it worked out. You can also mention how you used this information to confront your husband and if he denied it, what excuses he used.
5. The Truth Behind His Lies: What you learned about your husband’s activities after his denials.
Most women want to believe that their husbands never acted on their homosexuality during the marriage, only to find out that they were lying from the very beginning and acting on it. This part is extremely important because women need to face the reality that they can be infected with STD’s or HIV/AIDS. If they continue to believe their husbands’ denials of ever acting on their homosexuality, they build a false sense of security.
6. Happily Ever After – For Real: How you have moved on in your life.
Many women stay stuck in their marriages because they are so beaten down through the years that they believe they can never move on and be happy. If you have restarted your life with a new relationship that has been successful, please share that so other women will realize that there is life again after the death of a marriage to a gay husband. Some of you have found some wonderful relationships/marriages in the aftermath, and I’d like to let women know this is possible.
These were the guidelines. I told the participants that they could write about one of the topics or all of the topics.
At first, I was going to break the book into six chapters and distribute their stories into each category. But then I changed my mind because I wanted my readers to get a sense of who these women are. So I have left the writings in their original format. It is my hope that as you read these stories, you find a connection with your own life if you are still questioning your husband’s sexuality. And if you already know the truth, I am hoping that you find a connection with other women so you’ll know that you’re not alone and not to blame for not recognizing the signs that now may seem so obvious.
Remember, the men who live these lives of deceit are masters of deception. They live a lie every day of their life, and they work very hard on fooling you!
How I Made My Husband Gay:The Stories of My Women
PROFILE #1: EMMA B., 44, Wisconsin, married 9 years, in process of divorce, one son five years old. I’m an Accountant by trade but became a stay-at-home Mom when my son was born.
I had no idea my husband was gay. He was definitely the pursuer when we first met. He was so head over heels in love with me. I actually
