“No,” even with a chuckle!
All those hurtful words didn’t make sense at the time. How could this person I married be so cold? It was like he wanted to hurt me on purpose. It wasn’t until the VISA bill came that I saw that he had charged $3,500 for an attorney. Until I opened the bill, I thought from what he told me, that he was going to mental health counseling. Larry couldn’t even tell me that he had retained an attorney. I had to find that out when I opened the credit card bill.
I began to go for counseling. I tried one counselor then switched to a different counselor. Both counselors told me that Larry would fall under the heading of Narcissist Personality Disorder, which is a recognizable personality illness that is deeply resistant to therapy. His endless criticism of me never ceased. I was reduced to cook, maid, errand girl, and more recently, farm hand. That's all I was. That's all I was worth to him. This is a very painful reality.
I was forced to tell our son, Marc, that his father wanted to divorce me. Larry couldn’t and didn’t tell Marc. He has probably known all along that some day he would muster enough courage to divorce me for his “secret life”.
Why didn’t we at least move near his family in Oregon? Why Washington? We know no one here, and his job wasn’t even here. As usual, my opinion did not matter. He said we would buy it now, and in a few years, we would retire here. This was his excuse for commuting to Las Vegas from here, shuttle to PDX, courtesy of me, for the first year. Then he was able to transfer to Seattle with his company, where he began renting a room during the weekdays. After talking with locals here, they told me that Chehalis/Centralia are mid-point cities between Seattle and Portland, where many gays meet in local hotels. So now the move here finally made sense! He wanted to be close to Seattle AND Portland. I searched on the internet for Portland’s tourist info and found www.travelportland.com/visitors/tours.html. I noticed on the left of the website was a link called “Gay Portland”. I clicked on it, and one of the slogans on the page was, “Keep Portland Queer”. Well, my gay husband is doing his part to keep their city queer, all right!
Most weekends he drove home. I wonder what his employer thought of his constant requests for moving! Larry told me in October 2006 that HIS JOB wanted him to move to ABQ, by Jan. 1, 2007. I called his boss and found out that this supposedly mandated move to ABQ was at LARRY’S REQUEST! Later I found out that his “boy toy” lives in ABQ. Obviously, he got mad that I had called his boss. This was my first task at my new job as detective.
But instead of moving to ABQ, he got his boss to agree to allow him to work part-time (with a pending divorce) from his residence, now in Portland. He requested this because his father, who lives in Salem, is terminally ill, and he wanted to live close to his father for a while. So why didn’t he move to Salem? Well now we know! Portland has the gay life, not Salem! Even though during our marriage, I asked him if he wanted to go to his father’s place, for Christmas, and he said, “No.” I asked why, and he said, “I don’t want to go there.” So now he wants to LIVE near him? Huh! If nothing makes sense in your life, HE’S GAY!!!
I wonder now how many other moves have we made unnecessarily? In 1993 when we lived in ABQ, Larry knew he would be a top-contender for making the rank of full colonel, because Larry worked with a general who Larry thought surely would and could promote him. Then at Larry’s request, we moved to Saudi Arabia. Why? I didn’t know. When the review board met, while we lived in Saudi, Larry did NOT make full colonel. The general in Saudi was unable to grant Larry the promotion. Tell me, why would Larry want to move to Saudi when he knew that if he stayed in ABQ, chances would be excellent to make full colonel? Nothing EVER made sense, living in this fraudulent marriage! There had to have been a reason for him to leave ABQ; one that I will probably never know.
Marc, our son, is a wonderfully compassionate young man, whose personality, and behavior are a result of my efforts alone. Marc never connected to Larry, due to Larry’s lack of presence and effort with him. Larry told Marc on one occasion, “I know it doesn’t SEEM like I love you, but I do.” When a parent is absent MOST of the time, it is very hard to have a relationship of any kind, and expect the child to be well adjusted. Marc told me that he didn’t FEEL Larry’s love. After I told Marc about the divorce, he emailed Larry and said, “Why are you doing this? I can’t concentrate. My grades have gone way down. I’m so depressed.” Larry replied, “I do care. I just wished everyone else cared too.” What a narcissist! Marc was looking for compassion. He only heard a selfish remark from his father!
How I Found Him Out
After living in “the fog” of unreality for two months, trying to make sense of why Larry wanted to divorce me, and internalizing the blame because that’s just the way he made me feel all along, I made my discovery. It was in early December 2006. I was able to have a copy of his cell phone records mailed to me. I HATED to have to play detective. Marriage is SUPPOSED to be based on trust. I always thought that he wouldn’t lie to me, since I TRUSTED him. I have never lied to him! I called one particular number from ABQ, NM that stood out, and got a message recording which said, “Hi, This is Steven…” I confronted Larry, and asked him how many Stevens have there been? He looked right at me, and said, “None of your business.” In a legal document, Larry wrote, “I have recently admitted to myself and to my family that I am a gay man.” He never admitted anything to me, our grown daughter, or to our son except in this document. In fact, I never received the truth, understanding, OR an apology for any of his actions during our marriage. I don't believe he would have EVER told me the truth on his own. Yet I know that I deserved his honesty.
Sex Tells It All
Well, I REALLY let him off the hook easy on this one! It was below my personal dignity to beg for sex. Actually, we stopped having sex soon after my son was born. Even though I didn’t know what Larry was doing behind my back, how can you help but not “feel” it? Call it woman’s intuition, but I knew something wasn’t right. I knew I didn’t love him any more because of the way he made me feel – finding many faults with me and my family, discounting my opinion on everything, just his “authoritative” personality – never nurturing or compassionate, so I really didn’t want sex with this person that he had become. He couldn’t even hug me. Once in a while I’d give him a hug, and he inflated himself, making his chest hard, and gave me a side-hug. His kisses were mechanical as sex had been with him all along. I think about the “oldies” song called “The Shoo-op Song.” It goes like this: “If you wanna know, if he loves you so, it’s in his kiss – that’s where it is.” Occasionally I see other couples holding hands and this serves as a reminder of what my hopes and dreams were for married life. I have been cheated of all of this. My gay husband robbed me of my dreams, and he doesn’t care. I feel the rape of 28 years times 365 days = 10,220 times, to my inner self!
The Truth Behind His Lies
I have lost who I am in this marriage as I tried so hard at solving the insolvable. I believe that he thought that my role in life was to serve him and our children in exchange for his meeting my most basic physical needs like food and shelter. What I will never understand is how Larry destroyed my life, yet he continues to be angry with me. I simply don't get it! His logic is so twisted!
This has not been a marriage. It has been fraud. After finding out his secret, it doesn’t change the years of emotional neglect or abuse I have experienced, but it does explain it. Last spring he wanted to plant 100 more blueberry plants, and he showed me how to make the rows for planting them by hand using a hoe. I walked away. He got mad. I didn't care any more. I guess I became numb and dealt with it. I was so totally resigned to life without love and affection. I was not educated at all about gay men; I never thought I had to be because who would have thought that a gay man would have any interest in a woman!
Now I understand that it
