of my self-esteem from all his years of criticizing me. He became a non-loving and non-supportive husband. His betrayal is horrendous and unimaginable.
He said to me “You have been so controlling of me, and so unsupportive of me as a husband that I really don't know why I did not do this earlier. He said I was manipulative and that I drove him away! He told me he finally made the choice of being happy and not continue to fake a loving relationship that was so one-sided. He is even claiming that the love was his side! He said I was not a partner in our marriage. “If I had really felt that we were a mutually contributing couple then maybe I would still be with you today.”
This is an excerpt form an email he sent me after he filed for divorce. “The counselors said you were controlling and that if you did not change you will lose your husband. Guess what -you lost me. You ask what I have become. Really it's a happy person. I feel so bad about having to leave our son but I am so sure that this is the right thing. Granted there are two sides to this but if you could have been a better "partner" this would not have had to happen.
“ He went as far to say, “If I am gay, bi or whatever, it has nothing to do with me filing for divorce no matter what you may think.”
Self-discovery
Through therapy, I learned that even if I did everything the way he wanted, he still wouldn’t have been happy with me because he is gay. I learned that I didn’t make him gay and I didn’t drive him away to be a homosexual. I am still struggling with how he could be so angry with me. I do honestly believe that he didn’t know he was gay when he met me, fell in love, and married me. I believe he realized how comfortable and happy he was once he met Adam in the past two years and came to realize that’s who he is and who he would rather be with. I always thought he was a great dad and he does love his son, but his need to be with another man far outweighs his love for his only child.
PROFILE #2: DOLLIE W., 54, Washington, married 28 years, separated, two children, Annie, age 22 and Marc, age 16. I’m from a Catholic religious background, and was from a good family. I went to an all-girls Catholic high school and didn’t date at all in high school. I dated very little in college. I went to a ‘commuter’ college, so I didn’t make a lot of friends at school. In my early 20’s I dated more, but still didn’t have a long-term relationship until I met my gay husband.
Red Flags
The first red flag that I should have picked up on was when we were dating. I’d want to hold his hand, but his palms sweated so badly, we both gave up on that. I just thought it was a peculiarity of his. But he was always distant. Even his friends from work commented to him that he’s a hard one to get to know. When he proposed, he never said the words, “Will you marry me?” He said, “I care for you deeply,” showed me the ring, and asked me what I thought about it. I couldn’t believe it when I saw Dina McGreevy’s interview on Oprah! She said her husband said the same thing to her when he “proposed” to her! My husband told me that he talked with friends of his in the Air Force, and he told them that he wasn’t sure if I’d accept. They asked him why. He said, “I don’t know.” Looking back, it was probably because of the “love” thing. He couldn’t bring himself to tell me that he LOVED me, and he was wondering himself if “I care for you deeply” would cut it. I just thought he was shy.
So we got married. At first everything was fine. Then he started getting in little digs at me. First, he called me stupid when I went to the store and didn’t get the right thing that he asked for. Next, he told me how beautiful his sister looked on her wedding day. I told him that he never commented on how I looked on our wedding day, even though I told him how great he looked. Then he said, “You looked nice.” Then there was, “There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for my sister.” Their typical manner is throwing you off-guard every chance they get – making you “second-guess” everything they say. So I’m thinking, “Well, he married me, so I am assuming that he would feel the same way about me.”
Six years went by, and I was pregnant with our daughter. I told him then and before that I loved him, to which he replied, “uh huh.” After our daughter was born, he was absolutely NO HELP! I had post-partum depression and an undiagnosed thyroid problem. I was exhausted because of both AND was up at night with the baby. He never once got out of bed to help unless the baby was sick and throwing up in her crib.
I felt like he gave the orders, and I had to obey him, as if I were a child. My opinion didn’t matter to him at all--ever. I realized he was narcissistic, and he made me very unhappy. He never joked; everything was serious with him. He had frequent ‘hissy-fits” and temper tantrums. His behavior got worse with time.
On day when I was pregnant with my second child 17 years ago, I was cleaning the closet and found condoms in his jacket pocket. I confronted him and he told me that he had been to some xxx rated movies and jacked himself off, using the condoms to catch the mess. Gay didn’t even enter my mind. Yes, admittedly I was naïve, but I thought our marriage was based on truth, so I believed him. I do remember one thing he said at the time, and for some reason, it stuck in my head, after all these years. During our conversation, he said, “It just feels so natural.” I thought then, “Hmm – what feels so natural – masturbating?” It just seemed odd.
All the while, I kept thinking that if I tried harder, he would “get better,” until he moved our family on a farm three years ago. He used the farm as a tax shelter and used me to be his farm hand while he was away during the week, coming home on weekends. He needed a tax shelter because he was going through so much cash, and he had expensive charges on credit cards. Just before he asked for a divorce was when his behavior got really weird!
Blame was the Name of His Game
Larry’s behavior began getting ‘twilight-zone’-like, when we were on our family vacation in June, 2006, in Hawaii. He dumped our daughter, son, and me off at one beach while he went to a nude beach. He came back to pick us up four hours later, when it was dark. He hiked to the nude beach on another day while the children and I were at the beach next to the nude beach. I stayed to watch our children while they swam in the ocean, and while Larry walked to the nude beach. He got up in the middle of the night and used his computer. He went on other solo excursions while leaving us alone in the condo. He went on some excursions with us, but never got in the water. He was disconnected. It appeared like he was looking right through me, never walking with me, always well ahead. He didn’t fly over there with us, and he departed a day after us. He said he couldn’t get the same reservations as my son and me because he wanted to use his frequent-flyer miles. I noticed after we got back home that he had a tattoo on his ankle.
He had lost weight, grown a beard, and spruced up his wardrobe. He told me that a female captain at work told him that she liked his beard, and he should never shave it off. Okay, there’s another woman, I thought.
In early October 2006, Larry said he wanted a divorce. He told me, “I don’t love you and I never have. I don’t have empathy, and I don’t know where to get it. We were never meant to be together. We’ve grown apart.” I made it quite clear that I didn’t like “his” farm, while he left me during the week, expecting me to water 400 blueberry bushes. Then he would come home on most weekends, only to work out in the field, and then leave again for another week or more. So he made ME feel like “we’ve grown” apart, because “I” didn’t like his farm. He also added, “You should find someone else now.” He told me multiple times, “There’s no one else.” He also told me about a guy at work whose wife had a stroke recently, and now that guy has to take care of his wife! He was concerned that something similar could happen to us. I simply could not believe what I was hearing!
Prior to this, I asked him to please go to counseling. He said he went
