was in her mid-40s. She volunteered that she had been sexually abused by her father for many, many years and was pretty much a mess because of it. She told me she recently spent a lot of time working out at a gym and had lost twenty pounds. She dressed provocatively to show it. It wasn’t hard to tell she wanted men to notice her. Apparently it was working because in the gym this new guy became attracted to her. They went out together, then started having sex.
Listening deeply to her, something nagged at me. I couldn’t put my finger on it. I didn’t know Diane, but she seemed extremely uncomfortable. Something was up that she wasn’t telling me. I kept listening. She told me how this new guy was giving her advice about how she should be with her husband.
“Diane, let me get this straight,” I said. “The guy you’re having an affair with is giving you marital advice?”
She said, “Yes, because I haven’t known what to do with my husband. Our sexual relationship isn’t good at all. I think my husband is gay. I love him as a friend but there’s no real intimacy in our relationship.”
“Whoa, Diane, slow down.” It was hard to get a word in edgewise. “Let’s back up a moment and take one thing at a time. First, do you really think this guy is in a position to give you advice about your marriage? He’s having an affair with you! Do you really think those two things mix?”
Diane began looking very sheepish. “I wasn’t going to tell you this,” she said, “but he’s here.”
“What?”
“He’s sitting in a car over there watching us, to make sure that nothing goes wrong.”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“No. He is.”
“Diane, come on! Do you really think we can get anything accomplished with you being distracted about the fact that this guy is here?”
“No.”
“You need to ask him to leave.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Why not?”
“Because I just can’t.”
I’m thinking, “If you don’t, kiddo, this session is over.” I mean, it was freaky enough to think we were being spied on. Besides, I didn’t know this guy, and she had only known him for two weeks. For all I knew he could be dangerous. But I didn’t want to alarm her with that thought; mostly I wanted her to come to her own conclusion.
“Look,” I said, “What is your wisdom telling you to do about this?”
“I can’t tell him. That’s not the kind of person I am.”
“That’s not what I asked, and yes you can. You know what’s right. He’s over there spying on you. I repeat, what is your wisdom telling you to do about this?”
Diane reflected a moment. “I guess I have to tell him to leave,” she sighed.
“You’re right, and if he doesn’t leave when you ask him, that will tell you a lot about him, won’t it?”
“Yes.”
I prepared her a little for what she might say if he didn’t leave, and she got up and walked over to tell him.
I kept my eyes glued to the table in front of me, hoping the guy wouldn’t do something we’d all regret. Apparently I hadn’t listened to my own wisdom when I agreed to meet this strange woman in a park.
After a few minutes Diane came back and said, “I told him to go.” She felt good she followed her wisdom and was strong enough to do it.
“Great,” I said. “I knew you could do it.”
“But he said something really weird at the end there.”
“What’s that?”
“He said, ‘You know you’re going to be thinking about me, whether I leave or not.’”
I sat up straight. “Diane, what do you think he’s trying to tell you? Doesn’t that sound a little off to you?”
“Yeah.” She peered over to where he’d been. “You know what? I think he just moved to a different part of the park. I don’t think he left altogether because he’s got to drive by here to get out, and I didn’t see him drive by.” She couldn’t see him though.
“Do you think that’s a problem? Are you going to be able to focus?”
“I am. I know him. He’s not going to cause a problem.”
“Okay, but as I said, if he hasn’t left after you asked him to leave that tells you something about him, right?”
“I know.”
We walked into the middle of an open field away from any cars and where we could see anyone approaching. Diane again started to speedily ramble on about what she’d learned from Richard Carlson’s book, You Can Be Happy No Matter What, and how it had helped her.
I said, “You know what? I don’t really care what you know. I’m glad the book brought you out of your depression, but what matters now is what more you can know to get yourself living more in wellbeing. Besides, happiness is overrated. What you really want is peace of mind.”
Diane quieted for the first time. She nodded and said wistfully, “Yes, that’s what I want.”
Softly I said, “It’s there for you, you know?”
“What do you mean?”
“Peace of mind is built into us. The only thing that can get in its way is our own thinking. We don’t have to think anything to be in peace of mind. In fact, when we’re not thinking anything we automatically have peace of mind.”
I talked about how we have two voices inside us: our voice of wisdom that speaks very softly, and our habitual thinking—our typical, everyday habits of thinking—that speaks loudly. We get to choose which voice we want to listen to. It’s very tempting to listen to the loud voice.
“Yes, I’ve got to try to drop those thoughts. I’ve got to try and reach a tranquil state.”
“It’s not really that. It’s knowing which voice is speaking to us at any time, and truly knowing which one is good for us to listen to and which isn’t. We get to decide for ourselves which to give power to. That’s all there is to it. That voice of habit will keep talking to us. It will keep trying to get us to pay attention, but if we know listening to it is not going to serve us well, we’re in the position to decide whether to listen to it or not.”
That seemed to calm Diane. She said, “Thank you so much! I don’t want to take up any more of your time. I feel so much better.”
“Wait,” I said. “There’s one more thing we ought to deal with. There’s your peace of mind in general, but there’s also your immediate situation. The fact that your situation remains unresolved in your mind means you’re going to be thinking about it, and that’s
