To have someone like that in my life causes me to reflect on what is at the root of relationships like this. Most of all, I believe it’s that I feel safe with her. I know she won’t judge me—in fact, even when presented with my failings, she always manages to find some way to encourage me. She never joins in my wallowing. She acknowledges my “warts,” but in a way that compels me to think differently and move forward. I could spend the whole time talking about me, and she wouldn’t bat an eye. She would make me feel like I was all that mattered. I’ve never worried about her talking behind my back, and I always know where I stand with her. All of that means I feel secure in my relationship with her. What a gift!
Safety in a relationship is unfortunately often not present. Growing up, I had relationships that were far from emotionally safe for me, where I felt picked on, made fun of, falsely accused or just plain misled. I was often talked about behind my back, and those elementary and early high school years were very painful as a result, although they helped me learn to be discerning about who would be allowed in my “inner circle” as I matured. They taught me what I wanted from the people around me. And at the heart, I needed to be able to answer “yes” to one simple question: Are they safe?
A secure relationship is safe—emotionally, physically and spiritually. Safety in relationships becomes the foundation on which you can trust, risk and grow.1 Because it builds up rather than tears down. It draws you in and makes you want more. It does not make you feel “less than.” You can count on the other person to be there for you. There is never a question about where you stand.
That is what God offers us in relationship with Him—the most healthy of relationships. But unlike in human relationships, He is perfect, so He will never let us down. We make mistakes in our relationship with Him, but He will never return the favour. He will never react emotionally in the heat of the moment. Never ignore us. Never forget what matters to us. Never manipulate. Never condemn. Never make us feel responsible for His “issues.” Never lead us to believe something other than the truth. Never try to cover up His actions. Never behave selfishly. Never hurt us. Never leave us. Never. You will never have to worry about Him repeating one negative thing that has happened to you in a human relationship. Personalize this for yourself for a minute: whatever unhealthiness you’ve experienced in human relationships, you can rest assured He won’t ever do that.
That is safety and security—the way relationships should be. And it is here, for you, with Him. I’ve often said the only reason I don’t have an anxiety disorder is because of my relationship with God and how He meets my needs. My relationship with Him is where I can go with all my worries, fears, confusion, stress and hurt and know with certainty that not only will He not contribute to those feelings, He will also help me cope, at the very least. Because in relationship with God, you can expect perfect love and safety.
That doesn’t mean life is perfect and safe; it means He is perfect and safe, regardless of what is swirling around us. Sometimes we can get deceived into thinking that the promise of His love is some kind of guarantee we can cling to that life will be good or easy, or both. But His promises are about Him and us. Which means that because we live in a fallen world, life may still be hard. That doesn’t mean we aren’t loved.
I love Isaiah 49:15-16: “I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands.” My less than emotionally safe experiences with “friends” in my youth made me feel insecure in relationships. Maybe that’s why the safety and security of God’s love matters so much to me. I know what it feels like to feel emotionally unsafe with someone. I hated the feeling of insecurity that would well up in me as I walked into the classroom to notice a group of girls rolling their eyes at me and hushing each other. (I still occasionally catch myself assuming someone is talking behind my back if I walk into a room and the talking stops.) I hated feeling on the outside looking in, not quite fitting in. Always wondering what others were thinking. It was horrible.
I love the feeling that washes over me when I read that He will never forget me. That feels so safe. I matter. I’m not on the outside with Him. And He has me—“Goody-Two-Shoes,” “Brainer,” eyes-rolled-at, barely-tolerated-by-the-cool-kids me—engraved into His palms. Not my name tattooed on His shoulder. Not my picture enclosed in a locket by His heart. No, He has me engraved on His hands…the hands He uses to comfort me, to hold me, to steady me, to lead me, to carry me. The hands that were nailed to the cross for me. Yes, I feel I belong, that I’m significant. I feel safe. And I feel more secure than I know how to express in words. Because He loves me. And He loves you that way too.
The Biblical Definition of Love—1 Corinthians 13:1–8, 13
This chapter in the Bible on love is one of the most frequently read chapters at weddings. And it’s no surprise that it’s so popular. It describes what everyone wants their friend, family and romantic relationships to be like. But it is not only describing earthly love. Read the verses for yourself, and soak in what they are saying about His love for us.
If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails…And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13:1–8, 13)
How did that feel for you? Could you soak in those words and own them as a description of the love you feel from God? I suspect that some of you can. For me, I picture it feeling like the soothing comfort that a hot bath brings to tired, cold bones (a long, hot bath is my go-to for most of what ails me).
For others, it may have caused a longing in you to soak those words in and own them in your life. You know there is a bathtub; you just don’t know what it feels like to soak in it and be soothed and comforted by its warmth. For whatever reason, you’ve only ever taken a shower. Never to soak in the warm water—it’s only been to get clean.
I also need to acknowledge that some of you may not have been able to think about that description of love in relation to God and His love for you because of how far it is from your current earthly relationships. They have tainted your view of all love. Many relationships are less than ideal.
For almost two decades I have sat with women as they have grieved the loss of the relationships they thought would offer them this kind of love and have had to work on healing from the abuse they suffered instead. I’ve also sat with countless women as they have worked through the pain caused by unmet needs and hurt and dysfunction in their families. And I’ve walked this path with friends and family members as well. So, I know that for some, hearing “I love you” doesn’t feel anything like 1 Corinthians 13. It feels a lot more like a maximum security prison. That is not what God wants for you in any relationship. Especially not with Him.
Let’s just look one more time at the words that describe love. I’ve included in parentheses what I believe the “love is” equivalent would be. I like thinking about things in terms of what is. Patient. Kind. Doesn’t envy (love is happy for others). Doesn’t boast (love is modest). Not proud (love is humble). Not rude (love is polite). Not self-seeking (love is selfless). Not easily angered (love is stable). Keeps no record of wrongs (love is forgiving). Does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. Always protects. Always trusts. Always hopes. Always perseveres. Never fails (love is reliable). Never. God’s love
