Yes, my lord.
lord goring
Just as vulgarity is simply the conduct of other people.
phipps
Yes, my lord.
lord goring
[Putting in new buttonhole.] And falsehoods the truths of other people.
·123· phipps
Yes, my lord.
lord goring
Other people are quite dreadful. The only possible society is oneself.
phipps
Yes, my lord.
lord goring
To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance, Phipps.
phipps
Yes, my lord.
lord goring
[Looking at himself in the glass.] Don’t think I quite like this buttonhole, Phipps. Makes me look a little too old. Makes me almost in the prime of life, eh, Phipps?
phipps
I don’t observe any alteration in your lordship’s appearance.
lord goring
You don’t, Phipps?
·124· phipps
No, my lord.
lord goring
I am not quite sure. For the future a more trivial buttonhole, Phipps, on Thursday evenings.
phipps
I will speak to the florist, my lord. She has had a loss in her family lately, which perhaps accounts for the lack of triviality your lordship complains of in the buttonhole.
lord goring
Extraordinary thing about the lower classes in England—they are always losing their relations.
phipps
Yes, my lord! They are extremely fortunate in that respect.
lord goring
[Turns round and looks at him. Phipps remains impassive.] Hum! Any letters, Phipps?
phipps
Three, my lord. [Hands letters on a salver.]
·125· lord goring
[Takes letters.] Want my cab round in twenty minutes.
phipps
Yes, my lord. [Goes towards door.]
lord goring
[Holds up letter in pink envelope.] Ahem! Phipps, when did this letter arrive?
phipps
It was brought by hand just after your lordship went to the Club.
lord goring
That will do. [Exit Phipps.] Lady Chiltern’s handwriting on Lady Chiltern’s pink notepaper. That is rather curious. I thought Robert was to write. Wonder what Lady Chiltern has got to say to me? [Sits at bureau and opens letter, and reads it.] “I want you. I trust you. I am coming to you. Gertrude.” [Puts down the letter with a puzzled look. Then takes it up, and reads it again slowly.] “I want you. I trust you. I am coming to you.” So she has found out everything! Poor woman! Poor woman! [Pulls out watch and looks at it.] But what an hour to call! Ten o’clock! I shall have to give up going to the Berkshires. However, it is always nice to be expected, and not to arrive. I am not expected at the Bachelors’, so ·126· I shall certainly go there. Well, I will make her stand by her husband. That is the only thing for her to do. That is the only thing for any woman to do. It is the growth of the moral sense in women that makes marriage such a hopeless, one-sided institution. Ten o’clock. She should be here soon. I must tell Phipps I am not in to anyone else. [Goes towards bell.]
[Enter Phipps.]
phipps
Lord Caversham.
lord goring
Oh, why will parents always appear at the wrong time? Some extraordinary mistake in nature, I suppose. [Enter Lord Caversham.] Delighted to see you, my dear father. [Goes to meet him.]
lord caversham
Take my cloak off.
lord goring
Is it worth while, father?
lord caversham
Of course it is worth while, sir. Which is the most comfortable chair?
·127· lord goring
This one, father. It is the chair I use myself, when I have visitors.
lord caversham
Thank ye. No draught, I hope, in this room?
lord goring
No, father.
lord caversham
[Sitting down.] Glad to hear it. Can’t stand draughts. No draughts at home.
lord goring
Good many breezes, father.
lord caversham
Eh? Eh? Don’t understand what you mean. Want to have a serious conversation with you, sir.
lord goring
My dear father! At this hour?
lord caversham
Well, sir, it is only ten o’clock. What is your objection to the hour? I think the hour is an admirable hour!
·128· lord goring
Well, the fact is, father, this is not my day for talking seriously. I am very sorry, but it is not my day.
lord caversham
What do you mean, sir?
lord goring
During the season, father, I only talk seriously on the first Tuesday
