associated with them. A person may or may not be aware this is happening.
3. The emotional wounds and their associated shame feed the five faulty core beliefs discussed in chapter 2:
a) I am unworthy of being loved.
b) If people really knew me, they would reject me.
c) I can’t count on anyone, even God, to meet my needs.
d) I must find something that I can control that will meet my needs.
e) Pornography/cybersex is my greatest need and source of comfort.
4. The emotional pain and core beliefs lead to rituals that result in acting out sexually. Rituals refer to the process a person goes through to act out sexually, such as planning to view pornography, viewing pornography, engaging in cybersex, or acting out sexually with other people.
5. After acting out, the person is filled with guilt, shame, and despair. These can also be triggers that lead them back into the addiction cycle.
Progressing through this cycle can take minutes or days. What’s important to realize is that no one ever sets out to become sexually addicted. Because of their deep wounds and the effect pornography has on the brain, men and women find themselves trapped in the addiction. Often it isn’t until they are caught that they are able to get the help they need to break the addiction cycle.
Reflection
What possible triggers can you identify that have led you into viewing pornography?
Which core belief(s) listed above do you most identify with?
What are the rituals or processes you use to act out sexually?
How do you feel after acting out?
It’s Not about Sex
Many people believe that when a man or woman becomes addicted to pornography and/or sex, they are only looking for sex. There are even mental health professionals who don’t believe a person can become addicted to pornography and sex. According to them, some people just have very high libidos. Yet research has shown that pornography and sex can be addictive. Interestingly, research has also shown that those who become addicted to pornography and sex are most often not really looking for sex. Pornography and sex are merely drugs that are used to cope with painful emotions. They make people forget their pain. Much like people turn to alcohol, drugs, or gambling to deal with emotional conflicts, some also turn to pornography and sex.
Thus, when a husband or wife becomes addicted to pornography, they don’t want to replace their spouse with a porn star. They’re not looking for a “younger model.” Even if they commit adultery, it doesn’t mean they want to leave their spouse. They’re simply using pornography and sex as a way to cope with painful emotions. This in no way justifies or excuses their actions, which are objectively wrong. But these are the reasons and the wounds behind those objectively wrong actions.
Reflection
When you were acting out with pornography or another person, what percentage of the time were you looking for sex and what percentage of the time were you seeking an escape?
The Real Need
Ultimately, the real need for men and women addicted to pornography and/or sex is intimacy. In fact, many experts refer to sexual addiction as an intimacy disorder. When people hear the word “intimacy,” they often think of sex. This is because these words are often used synonymously in our society today. However, intimacy is more than just sex; it is the deep connection between two people. It’s experienced physically, emotionally, intellectually, sexually, and spiritually. It’s where two people know each other thoroughly. There are no hidden secrets. They can share anything with each other and feel safe. They can be authentic with each other. To describe this, Mark and Debbie Laaser, in their book Seven Desires: Looking Past What Separates Us to Learn What Connects Us, define intimacy as “in-to-me-see.”41
Many men and women who turn to pornography and sex desperately crave intimacy, but their deep emotional wounds and shame have fed the five faulty core beliefs listed above, which make them fear intimacy. Their wounds and core beliefs prevent them from ever getting close to anyone, and they struggle with deep loneliness. Pornography and sex help anesthetize their pain. The resulting shame keeps them trapped in their addiction and their loneliness, which feeds the cycle of addiction.
Many spouses of pornography addicts question why they couldn’t meet their spouse’s need for intimacy. Because this addiction is fueled by attachment and trauma wounds, and by shame, the intimacy the addict craves is usually from their family-of-origin. A spouse cannot meet the needs that only a parent can meet. In addition, those who become addicted are most often unaware of what they are self-medicating.
Reflection
How have your deep wounds and sexual behaviors prevented you from experiencing intimacy in your marriage?
What other forms of intimacy do you crave? Mother? Father?
If you were to experience true intimacy in your life, what would that look/feel like?
Where Is God?
Because of their tremendous guilt and shame, many men and women who are addicted to pornography and sex believe they are completely unlovable. They expend great amounts of time and energy hiding their behaviors for fear of anyone discovering their addiction. They are convinced that if anyone found out, it would destroy them. Yet while they may be able to hide their addiction from other people, they know they cannot hide it from God. Knowing that God sees everything, these men and women feel an even greater shame before him. While rationally they may know that God loves everyone, emotionally they feel completely unloved by God. Some may even believe that God has abandoned them because they’ve prayed over and over again for God to take away their addiction, but they experience no relief. This pain is often magnified by their deep attachment wounds. They feel like lost orphans whom no one could ever love. While we know that God could never stop loving any of his children, these men and women truly believe that God has stopped loving them. This is an extremely lonely and frightening place to be, and it often drives them deeper into their addiction to escape their feelings of rejection and abandonment by God.
Reflection
Where is God in your life?
Do you believe God loves you? Why or why not?
To Injured Spouses: They Never Meant to Hurt You
While pornography use and sexual infidelity are inexcusable, it’s important for husbands and wives of pornography addicts to understand that their spouse never meant to hurt them. When a person becomes addicted to anything, they lose their free will. The addiction takes over their life. So, when the need for a “fix” arises, the addict has no control over his/her actions. Some have described the attraction to pornography and sex as “an itch that has to be scratched.” This is why they will take great risks to satisfy the craving — for men, viewing pornography at work though it
