Hard is it may be, it’s important for all who are affected to recognize God’s great love and compassion for each person. He understands the pain and wants to bring healing and restoration to individual lives and marriages. And he will do this in many ways.
One way God brings healing from pornography addiction is through the caring people he puts in your life. Priests, religious, counselors, support groups, accountability partners, family, friends, and even your spouse can all be channels of God’s healing love. Not only will he heal the wounds that led to, or were caused by, the pornography use, he may also uncover other deep wounds in your life that need to be healed. You will find that, as difficult as this process may be, God is actually blessing you through it. You will come out stronger and healthier than you ever imagined. God won’t let you down! Right now he’s calling you to trust him with your pain and be patient with the process.
The Church speaks very clearly about pornography and how dangerous it is. According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church:
Pornography consists in removing real or simulated sexual acts from the intimacy of the partners, in order to display them deliberately to third parties. It offends against chastity because it perverts the conjugal act, the intimate giving of spouses to each other. It does grave injury to the dignity of its participants, since each one becomes an object of base pleasure and illicit profit for others. It immerses all who are involved in the illusion of a fantasy world. It is a grave offense. Civil authorities should prevent the production and distribution of pornographic materials. (CCC 2354)
Pornography hurts both consumers and producers. It takes sex from a holy expression of love between a husband and wife, which is open to new life, and reduces it to nothing more than a recreational activity where people are selfishly used. For married couples, this is adultery. No good can come from it.
The good news is, the Church understands that many people are wounded by pornography addiction. She knows how damaging it is to marriages and families. Moreover, she has deep compassion for those affected and wants to help them experience God’s love and healing. Because this is such an important issue, in 2015 the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB) issued a statement on pornography entitled Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography. The purpose of the document is to educate Catholics on the dangers of pornography and to give hope to those who are addicted or affected by the addiction of loved ones. It presents the Church as a field hospital ready to serve those hurt by pornography. The document states:
As pastors of the Catholic Church, we offer this statement to give a word of hope and healing to those who have been harmed by pornography and to raise awareness of its pervasiveness and harms. In the confessional and in our daily ministry and work with families, we have seen the corrosive damage caused by pornography — children whose innocence is stolen; men and women who feel great guilt and shame for viewing pornography occasionally or habitually; spouses who feel betrayed and traumatized; and men, women and children exploited by the pornography industry. While the production and use of pornography has always been a problem, in recent years its impact has grown exponentially, in large part due to the internet and mobile technology. Some have even described it as a public health crisis. Everyone, in some way, is affected by increased pornography use in society. We all suffer negative consequences from its distorted view of the human person and sexuality. As bishops, we are called to proclaim anew the abundant mercy and healing of God found in Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, and through his Church.16
God and his Church are ready to help those who struggle with pornography addiction or are affected by it. Clergy and many who work within the Church are here to help through support, prayer, sacraments, and spiritual direction. They may also be able to direct you to needed resources, such as counselors and recovery groups. Do not be afraid to take your struggles to the Church. There are pastors, priests, deacons, religious, and pastoral ministers who can guide you to the right resources for healing and recovery. The Church truly is a field hospital for those who are hurting.
Reflection
Do you believe that God wants to heal and restore your marriage? Do you believe that the Church can help?
Recovery
The good news is that people can and do recover from pornography addiction, and marriages can be restored. You have already begun by picking up this book to work with your spouse on healing and recovery for each of you as individuals, and for your marriage. Recovery is a process of change through which you will improve your health and wellness, live a self-directed life, and strive to reach your full potential. According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), there are four signs of healthy recovery17 (for both of you as individuals and for you as a couple):
• Being able to address problems as they happen, without self-medicating, and without getting stressed out
• Having at least one person you can be completely honest with
• Establishing personal boundaries and knowing which issues are yours and which ones belong to other people
• Taking the time to restore your energy — physical and emotional — when you are tired
The ultimate goal of recovery is not simply to end the use of pornography. It’s transformation: becoming a new creation in Christ — the person and couple God created you to be. This leads to true personal and marital healing.18
Chapter 3
The Disease of Pornography Addiction
It’s Not Just a Moral Failing, It’s a Disease
Clearly, pornography use and any associated sexual infidelity are objectively sinful. This is pretty easy to see. These actions violate marital vows and are in fact adulterous. They also violate God’s beautiful plan for human sexuality. In addition, these actions exploit vulnerable young women and support an industry that views people as nothing more than commodities to be used and thrown away. Adding to the evils of pornography and extramarital sexual activity, users almost always resort to numerous lies and deceit to cover up their habits, and the addiction leads them to neglect their real relationships and responsibilities. For those who engage in such actions, sex can become a false god. Most people would readily agree with this, even those who are addicted to pornography and sex. It’s easy to see the moral failing here.
Viewing it only as a moral failing, however, does not help the addict or the injured spouse. Instead, it only heaps more shame and condemnation on the addicted person. Simply demanding that the addict stop these behaviors because they are sinful is almost always unsuccessful. Their inability to stop only makes them feel worse and more trapped in the addiction. They feel like a failure, and their spouses also suffer, because no matter how hard they try to demand, plead, or bargain with them to stop, nothing changes.
While I don’t want to deny or diminish the fact that these actions are sinful, true healing and recovery can come only when we can also view the addiction as a disease. Like any other disease, this addiction requires professional treatment. This is what has made the treatment of other addictions, such as alcoholism, successful. Recognizing addiction as a disease helps remove much of the shame and stigma associated with it, and it can give an addicted person the strength to reach out for help and to be committed to recovery. Most importantly, recognizing this disease for what it is helps men and women know that despite anything they have done, they are still lovable.
Reflection
How has viewing pornography addiction as a moral failing affected the way you have dealt with it?
