Repeated unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back on, or stop engaging in sex on the internet
4. Restlessness or irritability when attempting to limit or stop engaging in sex on the internet
5. Using sex on the internet as a way of escaping from problems or relieving feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety, or depression
6. Returning to sex on the internet day after day in search of a more intense or higher-risk sexual experience
7. Lying to family members, therapists, or others to conceal involvement with sex on the internet
8. Committing illegal sexual acts online (for example, sending or downloading child pornography or soliciting illegal sex acts online)
9. Jeopardizing or losing a significant relationship, job, or educational or career opportunity because of online sexual behavior
10. Incurring significant financial consequences as a result of engaging in online sexual behavior
If you and/or your spouse are struggling with any of these signs, I recommend seeking the help of a competent mental health professional who is certified in the diagnosis and treatment of sexual addiction. Along with this book, they can help you on the road to healing and restoration. (I provide information in the following chapters and in the appendix on finding a qualified therapist.)
Who Is a Pornography Addict?
Pornography addicts are beloved children of God. Despite anything they’ve done, God still delights in them. As God’s beloved children, they are still lovable and deserve to heal and be healthy. They come from all walks of life. Most are intelligent, sensitive, and spiritual. They can be any age, married or single, professional or blue collar. What distinguishes them from other people is their way of coping with life’s hurts: they self-medicate with pornography in an attempt to assuage deep wounds they have experienced.
Sex addiction encompasses many behaviors, including pornography use. For most sex addicts though, their primary behavior is the use of pornography. Because of this, for the purpose of this book, I use the terms sex addiction and pornography addiction synonymously. According to Dr. Mark Laaser and colleagues,14 pornography/sex addicts share the following characteristics:
1. Poor self-image. Because of their woundedness and addiction, many pornography addicts struggle with poor self-image. Some try to hide this by acting overly confident, but it’s just an act. Others may try to compensate by overachieving in order to prove (to themselves and others) that they are good people. Some are underachievers believing they will never amount to anything. Deep down, none of them believe they are worthy of being loved.
2. Need to escape. For many addicts the emotional pain they experience is so great that they look for an escape. They discover early on that cybersex is the ultimate escape. For some it may be the only relief they have ever known. When they are feeling down, it picks them up. When they are stressed, it calms them down. It helps them cope with life.
3. Sense of entitlement. Some might believe that because of their struggles, they deserve the relief that cybersex brings. This is often fueled by anger. Others use it as a reward for jobs well done. Both of these views come from a sense of entitlement (selfishness).
4. Unmanageability and efforts to control. For most addicts, their addiction has made their lives totally unmanageable. Their main goal is to gain some sense of control, but they eventually realize this is futile. They try but can’t stop using pornography. They might succeed for a while by “white-knuckling it” or “acting-in” (see below). Some may believe that if they pray hard enough, God will cure them. Then, when nothing changes, they come to believe they are bad people and God no longer loves them. This can lead to hopelessness and despair, which only perpetuates the addiction.
5. Acting-in or sexual anorexia. Some people, in an effort to cure their addiction, completely eliminate sex from their lives. They become asexual. This is not healthy because God created us to be sexual beings, and having a healthy sex life in marriage is good. The best way to understand acting-in is to compare sexual addiction to an eating disorder:
Being at either end of the scale is not healthy. Sexual anorexia or “acting-in” is little more than white-knuckling it and usually doesn’t last long. Eventually the addict will fall back into his old behaviors, which leads to hopelessness and despair.
6. Denial and delusions. Some people never seek help, or they give up trying to get better. They may fear strong moral judgments from others, or rejection. Often it is shame that keeps them from seeking help or persevering in recovery. Some may try to justify their behaviors with excuses such as “I was lonely” or “My wife never wants to have sex.” These attitudes are fueled by selfishness and anger. Addicts try to minimize their problem and may even talk themselves into believing it isn’t that bad. This is delusion.
7. Rigidity and blaming. In a desperate attempt to stop their behaviors, some may look for strict formulas to follow. This often leads to rigid thinking. If they could just find the right formula, they could be cured. Often this leads to a religious/behavioral plan: there’s a right way to do things and a wrong way. This doesn’t solve the problem, but it can lead to self-righteousness and blaming.
8. Relational difficulties/intimacy disorder. People addicted to cybersex often have great difficulties in relationships. Because of early life traumas and shame, they struggle to be vulnerable with other people. They live their lives by five faulty core beliefs:
1) I’m unworthy of being loved.
2) If people really knew me, they would reject me.
3) I can’t count on anyone, even God, to meet my needs.
4) I must find something that I can control that will meet my needs.
5) Pornography is my greatest need and source of comfort.
Because of these core beliefs, pornography addicts are unable to be truly intimate with others. This is why we often refer to sexual addiction as an intimacy disorder: addicts are self-medicating their craving for intimacy with pornography.
9. Rigid and disengaged, or enmeshed boundaries. People who struggle with addiction often come from families with unhealthy boundaries. Those who grew up with rigid and disengaged boundaries enjoy the freedom of not being tied to anyone, yet they can also feel extremely lonely. They may appear to be popular but have few close relationships. Keeping people at a distance and avoiding accountability allows them to maintain their addiction. Those who grew up with enmeshed boundaries appear to have close intimate relationships, but this is an illusion. They end up in relationships with codependent people who need them and/or are willing to take care of them. This can also lead to feeling overwhelmed and lonely.
10. Sexual ignorance and confusion. Most addicts are totally unaware of what healthy sexuality and intimacy looks like. They have not had a healthy and adequate sexual education, and healthy intimacy has never been modeled for them. Many sex addicts were sexually abused as children, leading them to equate sex with love. The wrong messages they received about sex, love, and intimacy often lead them to use pornography to acquire
