they so desperately desire. (Adding to the problem, when sex is portrayed as dirty or forbidden, it can become more appealing to young people, especially, which contributes to unhealthy views of sex.)
11. Cross addictions. Rarely does a pornography addict struggle with just one addiction. Many struggle with multiple addictions, such as food, nicotine, television, social media, video games, gambling, etc. Often their other addictions are to socially accepted substances, such as food or television. This makes these addictions harder to identify. And addicts often cycle through addictions. When it appears that they’ve overcome one addiction, they simply pick up another. Ultimately, they do this because they have never identified and resolved the root causes of their addictions.
12. ADD/ADHD. People with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) or Attention Deficit-Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) tend to be more susceptible to addiction. This is because they can be very impulsive, and their brains crave neural stimulation — something pornography provides in unlimited amounts.
13. Depression and anxiety. Addicts are known to struggle with both depression and anxiety. The depression and anxiety may be the cause or the result of pornography use. Either way, pornography and masturbation are often used by addicts to regulate their moods. It lifts them up when they are feeling blue and calms them down when they are stressed.
It’s Rarely Just Pornography: Related Addictive Behaviors
When couples come to me for help, they often claim it’s just for pornography use. However, most people who struggle with pornography are addicted to multiple substances/behaviors. Often, as discussed above, the substances are socially acceptable, such as tobacco, caffeine, food, television, shopping, video games, etc. While socially acceptable, these behaviors can also be very damaging to an individual and a marriage.
Furthermore, pornography addicts may be addicted to other sexual behaviors, including:
1. Lustful Fantasies
2. Masturbation
3. Strip Clubs
4. Massage Parlors
5. Porn Shops
6. Phone Sex
7. Prostitutes
8. Anonymous Sex
9. Social Media Sex (Cybersex): chat rooms, web cams, sexting, etc.
10. Exhibitionism
11. Voyeurism
12. Fetish sex: leather, rubber, shoes, etc.
13. Violent sex
Regardless of whether they are socially acceptable, these are all sinful behaviors. Any of these behaviors also should be addressed as part of the recovery program. Often people who are addicted may give up pornography use, but still struggle with one or more other addictive behaviors. The tough reality is, these people are not really in recovery. They have simply turned to another substance/behavior for self-medication.
To highlight this reality, let’s look again at Dan and Patricia from the previous chapter. In addition to pornography use, Dan’s addictive behaviors included frequenting strip clubs, eating, watching television, and playing video games. It was a bit of a shock for Patricia and Dan to realize how much time he spent escaping through these unhealthy behaviors. It made Dan realize how difficult he found life. He carried many fears regarding his opportunity for success at work, being a loving husband, and being an effective parent. The weight of all his responsibilities was often unbearable. So he escaped into fantasy worlds to cope.
Reflection
What other addictive behaviors have affected you and your marriage?
Shame as an Obstacle to Healing
One of the most difficult obstacles to overcome for both pornography users and their spouses is shame. In order to understand shame, we need to distinguish it from guilt.
Guilt is an emotion that focuses on actions. This emotion convicts us when we have done something wrong and compels us to apologize and make amends. In the Old Testament, Nathan confronts King David about killing Uriah, and David experiences guilt. This leads David to repent and be reconciled with God and the people of Israel (2 Sam 12).
Shame, on the other hand, is an emotion that focuses on the worth of a person. It leads a person to believe that because of what they’ve done, or what has been done to them, they are terrible and worthless. They feel they need to hide their actions and not let anyone truly know them. They believe if others knew the truth about them, they would be rejected, humiliated, ridiculed, and ostracized. This leads them to hide behind a façade that everything is fine in their life. They live in isolation, where their addiction festers and grows. Genesis 3 describes how Adam and Eve covered themselves and hid because they were naked. The shame they experienced because of their sin led them to doubt their worth and to hide for fear of being discovered by God.
Guilt is actually a good emotion. It leads people to take ownership of their words and actions and make corrections where needed. This can lead to reconciliation and stronger, healthier relationships. It can also strengthen a person’s sense of self-worth. Shame is a negative emotion. It leads people to hide, thus preventing them from making amends and restoring relationships. It can result in deeply wounded relationships and lowered self-worth. Because of their need to hide, those who live in shame never let anyone truly know them. This prevents true intimacy from developing and fosters loneliness.15
When it comes to pornography addiction and sexual infidelity, the addict and the wounded spouse will experience shame in unique ways. The addicted person feels shame because of sexual sins. They believe that because of their sins they are bad people who could never be loved by anyone, including God. Spouses of pornography addicts feel shame because of the hurt, betrayal, and sense of rejection they experience as a result of their spouse’s pornography use and sexual infidelity. They may blame themselves for it, believing they have been bad spouses.
As a couple, they may feel shame because of the deep wounds that have been inflicted upon their marriage. This can be especially difficult if they hold positions of esteem in their church or community. They may feel they need to present the image of having the perfect marriage when in reality their marriage has been torn apart. For both spouses, individually and as a couple, there is the constant fear of what others might think of them if their wounds were made public.
Because of the fears associated with shame, many individuals and couples find it very difficult to reach out for help. Many will spend months, or longer, unsuccessfully trying to resolve this issue on their own. Unable to succeed, some simply give up and live in shame, trapped in their addiction. In reality, it’s those who recognize their powerlessness and reach out for help that are most likely to find freedom from this affliction.
Reflection
How has shame prevented you from getting help?
God, the Church, and Healing
Many people trapped in pornography addiction believe God could never love them because of their sins. Spouses of addicts believe God has abandoned them because he doesn’t
