issue for women. About one-third of visitors to pornographic websites are women. Studies have shown that 25 percent of women ages eighteen to thirty-four use pornography. Older women also view it — about 4 percent of women between the ages of fifty and sixty-five use pornography. About 2 percent of women use pornography several times a week.8 It is often difficult to identify pornography addiction in women, because they are attracted to a broader variety of pornographic media than men. In addition to visual pornography (pictures and videos), women are also attracted to chat rooms, blogs, erotic stories, racy romance novels, and social media for pornographic content. This could be due to the relational aspect of these types of pornography. There is even a new genre of pornography called “femme-porn.” Rather than showing women being abused and exploited, femme-porn depicts women as objects of desire who are slowly seduced into having sex with men.9
Another reason why this addiction is difficult to identify in women is the great shame they experience. Women fear if others found out about their addiction, they would be labeled a “slut” and ostracized. Thus, many women addicted to pornography never come forward to seek help. They suffer in silence.
Myth #5: Pornography addiction is nothing more than a selfish sin.
When one is devastated by the discovery that a spouse is addicted to pornography, it’s easy to view it as nothing more than selfishness or a moral failing on their part.
Yet neuroscience research now indicates that pornography is a highly addictive substance.10 Like alcoholism, we need to recognize pornography addiction for what it is: it is a disease. As such, it must be treated as a disease. Moreover, it’s a disease that affects the entire family. Many experts even refer to addiction in general as a family disease.
It is important for addicts and spouses to seek professional help immediately. The sooner they start a recovery program together, the greater their likelihood of success in healing and restoring their marriage. Recognizing pornography addiction as a disease makes it easier to let go of shame and seek the help that is needed for recovery. While it is beyond the scope of this book to discuss the dynamics of pornography addiction, information on this can be found in Matt Fradd’s The Porn Myth (2017) and William Struthers’ Wired for Intimacy (2010).
Myth #6: An addicted person uses porn because he/she wants more sex.
It’s easy to believe that those who compulsively view porn simply want more sex.
However, the truth is that pornography is really not about sex. It’s a drug that is used to cope with difficult feelings or situations. Just as some people turn to alcohol as an escape from emotional pain, others turn to pornography to escape. As the saying goes, “the problem is never the problem.” For the addict, pornography use is merely the symptom. The real issue(s) could be abuse, trauma, shame, loneliness, stress, anger, fear, boredom, or a need for intimacy.11
Myth #7: People use pornography because they no longer find their spouses attractive or sexually desirable.
Spouses of pornography addicts, especially wives, often believe their spouse no longer finds them sexually desirable, and that they turned to porn because porn stars are very young and attractive. Some spouses might also believe the addict wants to replace them with a younger person. This is hardly ever the case. Most people who are addicted deeply love their spouses and wish they weren’t addicted. Some men may even struggle with erectile dysfunction because of their addiction, but this does not mean their wives have lost their beauty or desirability. Excessive pornography use conditions the addict to only be attracted to the actors in porn — people who really don’t exist in real life. Their addiction has caused them to lose their ability to appreciate the beauty of a real person.
Myth #8: If he (she) would only stop using pornography, our life could get back to where it used to be.
Many spouses view recovery as simply ending the pornography use and getting back to where their lives were before the problem was discovered. However, pornography use usually started before the marriage. For many people, pornography use began in childhood or adolescence. Now obviously, in any marriage, both partners need to be healthy to have a healthy relationship. If one or both entered into the marriage unhealthy, they cannot have a healthy marriage. Thus, if the pornography user was addicted prior to the start of the relationship, the marriage was never healthy to begin with. In other words, having a healthy marriage does not mean “going back to the way things used to be.” It means forging a new and healthy marital relationship. While this can be hard work, it can also be exciting. Now the couple can work together to create the marriage they’ve always wanted.
Can You Heal?
The answer to this question is YES! It will take time and patience. If you are the spouse addicted to pornography, you will need to immerse yourself in a comprehensive recovery program, and be totally committed to your program. In addition to overcoming your addiction, you will need to put in the work to heal your marriage. This will require acknowledging the problem, expressing sincere remorse, ending all pornography use and any other sinful sexual behaviors, being committed to recovery, making amends, restoring trust, growing in virtue, adopting a healthy lifestyle, and developing healthy marital intimacy.
If you are the spouse of a pornography addict, you will need first of all to recognize how deeply you have been wounded. You need a safe place to heal, which includes counseling and support. You also need to recognize that your spouse is struggling with an addiction, which is a disease, not a moral failing. Your addicted spouse never meant to hurt you. Like your addicted spouse, you will need to be committed to healing and restoring your marriage.
For both of you, the healing process will take time. Be patient, forgiving, and committed to your personal and marital recovery.
On this journey to healing, you will need counseling, support, and accountability. Work on forgiving each other and reconciling daily. Recovering addicts will need to prove their trustworthiness each day, and spouses will need to gradually take the risk of trusting again. Each of you needs to see the good in the other and recognize the strengths each of you brings to the marriage. Believe that together, with God’s help, you can not only restore your marriage, but create one that is healthier and happier than you could ever imagine.
Reflection
At this point, what hope do you have that your marriage can be healed and restored?
Chapter 2
Defining and Diagnosing Pornography Addiction
According to Dr. Mark Laaser, pornography/sexual addiction is any persistent and escalating unhealthy pattern of sexual behavior.12 It is compulsive in nature and used to avoid or change feelings despite destructive consequences to self and others.
Diagnosing an addiction to pornography requires the assistance of a trained mental health professional. While there are many self-tests you can take regarding this issue, at most they can only help assess your risk of being addicted to pornography or cybersex. However, there are signs you can look for that may indicate a real addiction.
Since most pornography today is accessed online, Dr. Patrick Carnes, in his book, In the Shadows of the Net, notes ten characteristics of problematic online sexual behavior:13
1. Preoccupation with sex on the internet
2. Frequently engaging in sex on the internet more often or for longer periods of time
