to escape their pain. This can include eating, drinking, drugging, smoking, watching television, playing video games, gambling, viewing pornography, and promiscuous sex.
4. Trauma Reaction: Some survivors have mental and/or emotional reactions to trauma, including flashbacks, sudden and uncontrollable sobbing, anger outbursts, and/or nightmares. There can even be physical reactions such as high blood pressure, irritable bowel syndrome, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, headaches, backaches, etc. People with these symptoms are often diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Spouses struggling with betrayal of trust can also experience this. Pornography and sex can be used as an unhealthy way of coping with these symptoms.
5. Trauma Abstinence: To avoid triggering the pain, some trauma survivors may avoid eating, communicating, certain relationships, driving, spending, etc. If a person has been sexually abused, he or she may avoid all sexual activity. This is also known as “sexual anorexia” or “acting-in.”
6. Trauma Shame: This response is often found in people who have been abused. They blame themselves for the abuse and get caught up in the identity of shame. Survivors come to believe they are bad, worthless, or stupid. They may actually believe they deserved the abuse. By taking on this self-image, they are able to make sense of the trauma and feel like they have some control over it. For a woman, viewing pornography that degrades women may be her way of reinforcing her shameful identity.
7. Trauma Repetition: Some trauma survivors attempt to repeat the traumatic experience in the hopes of getting a different or better outcome. They repeatedly subject themselves to the same pain, believing that “this time it will be better.” Some survivors relive the traumatic event by becoming the victimizer. Through this they get a sense of power and control, which they were denied as victims. For some the trauma is so strong and familiar that making healthy choices is scarier than living with the trauma. For these people, viewing pornography is a way of reliving their trauma with the hopes of a better/different outcome. Unfortunately, this always fails. It only perpetuates the trauma.
8. Trauma Bonding: Some trauma survivors have a deep need to bond with their victimizer. They may develop relationships with those who can repeat the trauma. Their hope is that through this, true connection and bonding will occur and the pain will finally end. This is why people who have been abused often end up in relationships with abusers.
Ultimately, for the person struggling with a deep trauma wound, pornography and sex become coping mechanisms. When you combine trauma with an attachment wound, you get a person who has absolutely no healthy way to deal with deep wounds internally. Thus, he or she turns to external sources to cope.
To identify any trauma wounds and the impact they are having on your life and relationships, it’s important to be evaluated by a therapist who is trained to treat trauma wounds. (Therapists who are certified to treat sex addiction are trained to treat trauma wounds.)
Reflection
What traumatic events have you endured in your life?
Which coping strategies for trauma have you used?
Guilt and Shame
Many people who are addicted to pornography struggle with deep shame, which can prevent them getting help for their addiction. It’s important to understand the difference between guilt and shame: guilt is good and shame is bad. Guilt focuses on the action, while shame focuses on the person.
Guilt lets us know when we’ve sinned and must atone for it. It is the emotion that says, “Okay, you’ve done something wrong and now you have to fix it.” As Catholics, we know that God gave us a sacrament specifically for this purpose — the Sacrament of Reconciliation or Confession. This is where we can tell God how sorry we are for our sins and receive his forgiveness and the graces we need to amend our lives and avoid the same mistakes in the future. In this sacrament we also receive a penance, which allows us to atone for our sins. This can include making restitution for the loss or damage we’ve caused. Guilt can also lead to healthier relationships with people. As we admit our guilt and take responsibility for making amends, we can enjoy reconciliation with loved ones and strengthen those bonds.
Shame, on the other hand, is the belief that we are terrible people who are unworthy of anyone’s love, especially God’s. Shame focuses on the person, not a specific action, and it makes us want to hide. It’s the emotion that says, “because of what you’ve done, or what someone has done to you, you are a terrible, horrible person. You need to hide, because if anyone ever found out about this, it would destroy you.” This is one of Satan’s most powerful weapons. First, he deceives you. He tells you, “Go ahead. Look at porn. It’ll be fun. No one will know. It’s not that bad.” After viewing pornography, Satan returns to accuse you. He says, “Look at you! You worthless wretch. How can you call yourself a child of God when you do such vile things?” Shame drives us to hide behind a façade that everything is fine in our lives. Really, it forces us to live in fear and isolation, where an addiction can fester and grow.
For women who are addicted to pornography/sex, the shame they feel is exponentially stronger than that experienced by men who are addicted. This is due in part to the expectations of women in our society and in our Church. While men are almost expected to be hypersexual, women are supposed to be pure. A woman can enjoy sex, but only within a committed marital relationship where she remains faithful. A woman who becomes addicted to pornography or sex is obviously stepping outside these boundaries, and this can bring severe consequences and cruel labels. The real or perceived public humiliation can be unbearable, and fear often keeps women from reaching out for help. Many suffer in silence until their addiction is discovered. When this happens, they fear losing their husbands and families. Many even contemplate suicide because of the mental anguish they experience.
Shame is not the way God wants us to feel about ourselves. No matter what you’ve done, God still loves you! He will never reject you. Our worth and dignity are permanently established the moment God creates us. Nothing can change that. Letting go of shame and rejecting Satan’s lies and accusations are necessary for healthy recovery. We need to let go of the shame, come out from behind the façade, and accept our true identity as beloved children of God.
Reflection
How can owning up to your guilt help you in recovery?
How has shame prevented you from getting the help you need?
The Addiction Cycle
Most addicted people and therapists agree that addiction is a disease that traps a person in a vicious cycle. While there are many ways to depict the addiction cycle, I prefer the simple diagram below:
1. While the cycle can begin at any point, I begin here with triggers and danger zones. There are many triggers that can start the addiction cycle. A trigger can be a person, place, thing, or situation. For porn and sexual addictions, some triggers are sexual — for men, perhaps a day at the beach where there are young women in bikinis; for women, a love scene in a book or movie. However, most triggers are non-sexual. They include stress, boredom, loneliness, anger, fatigue, fear, feeling abandoned, guilt, shame, etc. Danger zones are particular times, places, or situations where one is more vulnerable to viewing pornography. These might be after a difficult day at work, late at night, alone in a hotel room, after a heated argument, being alone with the internet, etc.
2. The triggers and danger zones activate the deep emotional and attachment
