who have been hurt in a relationship that turned toxic without warning may have heard the terms “Narcissist,” or “Narcissistic,” but may not know that they were in a relationship with a Narcissist. Confusing the issue, the terms “Narcissist,” “Narcissistic” and “Narcissism” have been used to describe a wide variety of personality characteristics ranging from the phrase, “a healthy Narcissism” to full-blown “Narcissistic Personality Disorder.” In fact, it has been suggested by Alice Miller in The Drama of the Gifted Child that the term Narcissism has been so commonly used to describe such diverse meanings, “that it is difficult today to rescue it for scientific use.” Nevertheless, this book attempts to describe, in laymen’s terms, the complex forces at work that doom nearly all relationships with a Narcissist. In the process, a variety of terms are used that are not the authors’ own, such as the “False Self ” (Winnicott), or “Narcissized,” (describing the experience of being victimized by a Narcissist), or “supply” (a Narcissist’s “fuel” for existence). These terms are found in scholarly journals, books, or even internet discussion sites, and are commonly used to describe the condition or dynamics of Narcissism.
Though no one truly knows the ratio of male Narcissists to female Narcissists, it is generally agreed to be somewhat more prevalent with males. Nevertheless, there is no shortage of Narcissists who are women, so throughout this book, gender pronouns will be used interchangeably to reflect this fact.
Part One
Chapter 1
Are You Involved With a Narcissist?
Hello Friend,
Still feeling confused about that crazy relationship? Are things still not adding up? Let me see if I have it straight. You say things appeared to be great when you first met him or her, almost “too good to be true,” right? It was uncanny how much you and your partner seemed to have in common. As a matter-of-fact, you felt you never had as much in common with any other person. Am I right?
In the beginning, he or she made you feel so appreciated. That special person complimented you by saying things like, “You are the perfect fit,” “I have never had a relationship this special,” “I cannot believe how much we share” and “You are the best at...” One reason these statements made you feel so significant was that your new interest told you stories of his or her previous partner who had been negative and demeaning. You were probably feeling sorry for your partner who had such an unhealthy relationship prior to you.
Not too long into the relationship, however, I’m sure your lover began to make you feel insecure. Oh…you probably didn’t quite notice it at first. Perhaps there were subtle put-downs or comparisons where you weren’t the one coming out on top anymore. Let me guess, some of the very things he or she used to praise you for became the things he used against you. This was confusing to you. How could you be the perfect fit, the best relationship he had ever had, his idea of a fairy tale romance, yet end up being the target of so many negative comments?
Did you ever start to wonder if you were going crazy? Did things in your relationship sometimes make absolutely no sense whatsoever? Did your partner deny saying things that you knew for a fact he/she had said? Did he/she ever accuse you of being the one telling the lie or misconstruing his/her words? If you answered “yes” to a few of these questions, it is very possible you were dating, or are still dating, a narcissist (an “N”).
In this book, we will use the letter “N” to indicate the Narcissist. Sometimes, we will use the male and sometimes the female pronoun to indicate the Narcissist. Narcissists can be of either gender. Although the latest DSM study shows there to be a shift to a greater percentage of females affected by NPD, seventy-five percent of narcissists are men.
Sigmund Freud was one of the first mental health professionals to describe narcissism in pathological terms. But only in 1980 did the Diagnostic and Statistics Manual (DSM), the standard classification of mental health professionals in the United States, recognize it as a mental health category. The DSM gives diagnostic criteria and the symptoms, which have to be present so that an accurate diagnosis can be made. Over time, the psychiatric community saw Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as a disorder that could be treated but not cured. According to recent studies, the causes of NPD are not known. However, it is believed to have its origins in the early childhood years and to have been influenced by parents, peers or caregivers of those afflicted. During a particular stage of personality development, either too much or not enough attention is given to a child who then learns to “love himself ” or “depend only on himself ” as a means of self-preservation.
Sometimes the N shares stories about his childhood or reveals specific details about his mother, which demonstrate a possible strained mother/son relationship. Do you remember your partner referring to anything out of the ordinary in regards to his/her relationship with a partner? Did he seem extremely close to his mother, or did she get on his last nerve? Either way, she could be an important piece of the puzzle you have been trying to put together.
Psychologists believe that the N spends her life trying to re-live whatever went wrong at a particular time in her personality development. She finds more and more people with whom to reenact her life and each time she truly believes “This time I will get it right.” So at the onset of your relationship, she really did believe you were the perfect fit, the best relationship, or her ideal love. She believed those things because she wanted to believe them, she needed to believe them. Because the N feels unloved and insecure, she spends her life trying to find “ideal love.” She believes in a perfect love that will end her search and stop her pain. She goes from relationship to relationship, sometimes without pause for recovery. This is baffling to those she leaves behind. How can she just move along like that…especially after things seemed so intense?
Is any of this “ringing a bell?” Have you wondered how your partner could just move on without blinking an eye? Have you wondered how strange it was that he/she replaced you so quickly? Or has it not reached that stage yet?
If you have experienced this part already you must be feeling heart-broken and confused. You thought you two were doing okay. Sure, there were some lows, all relationships have them, but you were willing to work them out and make things right. You thought the relationship was worth fighting for. You had way too much in common with him and at first he made you feel too special to just throw it all away. How could he tell you that you were so wonderful and then just walk away and never look back? And what about those in-between times when he said cruel things? Did you make excuses for him? You did, didn’t you? You thought he wouldn’t have said those things if he hadn’t been under so much strain at the time, or maybe you felt as if you had provoked him into saying them.
Oh my friend, you have been completely “narcissised” and you don’t even know it! Don’t worry. Many people have suffered at the hands of an N and not all victims have been women. The best way to heal from this type of abuse is to become educated about the disorder. After all, knowledge is power. There are websites devoted to NPD and Internet discussion forums for victims of narcissistic abuse. Books and articles have been written about different types of Narcissists and treatments for the disorder. Most psychologists and therapists, however, tend to agree that there is no cure for NPD.
Many who study NPD believe that during an important stage of personality development for the N, a significant individual in his life needed him to be something other than what he was. The N then felt as if he had to be different in order to be loved or accepted by that individual. This is known as “narcissistic injury” and it devastates the emerging “self ” of the N. Unable to be the person she truly is and still gain acceptance, the N adapts by splitting her personality into a real and a false self. The N learns
