had officially ended. That explained all his time on the Internet and all of the strange calls he received on his cell phone. Remaining in emotional limbo during round two, Linda realized she had been played. She felt angry and did not want to accept that. Only stupid people got played. She had two college degrees and ran her own business. She should have seen a player coming a mile away. Maybe he was just confused or maybe the stories he told her about his childhood prevented him from having a normal relationship. There had to be some kind of explanation. She considered herself to be relatively attractive and most men seemed only interested in her looks. But Robert initially told her she wasn’t really his “type” from the beginning. She loved the fact that he had fallen in love with her in spite of not being attracted to her; it appeared to her as “real love.” Could that have been part of his plan? Could he have somehow known that she wouldn’t fall for the same compliments and praise that she received from other men? Had he purposely worked another angle—one that would have been more believable to her?
Six months later, Linda realized Robert was still with the woman he had met on an Internet dating site a couple of weeks before they had broken up the second time. She felt a sting of insecurity as she wondered if this time he had actually found what he had been searching for…if this woman was the answer to his prayers for an ideal relationship. The possibility that it wasn’t Robert or his childhood hang-ups that caused their relationship to end was too much for Linda. She had been secretly spying on Robert for the past six months by reading his Internet dating profiles and calling his office from pay phones just to hear his voice. She just knew he wasn’t able to hang onto a woman and that his latest partner would soon be tossed to the wayside, just as she had been. However, six months had passed and all her sources informed her that Robert seemed to have finally found “the one.” Linda couldn’t imagine what this new woman had that was so much more appealing than what she possessed. There were times that Linda actually considered being Robert’s friend just to keep him in her life in some capacity. She saw how Robert had held his “friends” in such high esteem. She imagined being the “friend” Robert sneaked off to call while taking out the trash. A part of her wanted to be the “special” one in his life while his new partner was the one doubting and questioning in a clingy way. After being the partner, however, Linda didn’t wish that same pain on anyone else…even his new girlfriend. So she kept quiet and tried to stifle her humiliation, finding relief in the fact that she was better off without a boyfriend who made her feel insecure and full of doubt. Her friends kept telling her to “get over it” and move along, but she knew there was more to the situation than met the eye. Things were simply not adding up.
Chapter 3
A Familiar Story
Did any of the incidents or interchanges from Linda and Robert’s story seem familiar to you? Have you experienced overwhelming acceptance and praise at the onset of a relationship, only to have it chipped away by insults, digs or comparisons? Have there been times you felt as if you were in competition with your partner’s past loves or even your partner himself? Did he ever brag about himself or word things in such ways that you felt the desire to compliment or praise him?
Did you wonder at the end of your relationship how your partner could move so quickly into another one? All of these things would be out of the ordinary and bizarre if they occurred within a healthy relationship. With a Narcissist, however, all of these things are “normal.”
N’s don’t “have” relationships with people; they are not capable. Instead, they have “interactions” with people. N’s are like scriptwriters. They are constantly spinning tales and creating narratives for themselves. They tend to write characters in and out of their scenes as they see fit.
Also, N’s don’t feel love the way “normal” people do. What passes for love with an N is actually “narcissistic supply.” Narcissistic supply is any feeling that validates the N. He must feel as if he exists. He must feel as if he is so important and that everyone around him is affected by his very presence in some way. If he can cause someone to feel anger, hate, happiness, sadness or any type of emotion, he experiences feelings of control and gets a rush. That “rush” is the N’s “love.”
If your partner doesn’t possess at least five of the criteria for NPD listed earlier, chances are you are not dealing with an N. Narcissistic Personality Disorder can easily be misdiagnosed. Some cultures condition males to treat females in ways that Western Society might view “narcissistically.” Therefore, cultural factors need to be taken into consideration before assuming the worst. Regardless of intention, if you feel victimized you have a right to demand respect. Besides, learned behaviors such as “machismo” are often part of particular cultures’ expectations for males and can be unlearned.
Based on the information you have been learning about NPD, if you believe you have been “narcissized,” you may be experiencing the humiliation of having been “played.” Don’t. First of all, being “narcissized” is completely different from being “played.” The difference deals with “intent.” The difference between a player and an N is that the N really does believe he has found the perfect mate or “ideal love” at the onset of each new relationship. N’s are often compared to alcoholics or drug abusers (as a matter-of-fact, it is said that not all N’s are alcoholics, but all alcoholics are N’s). To an N, his new partner is like a new drug. The possibility that this is “the one” or that he has finally found “ideal love” is what gives him such a high from his new supply (NS).
As we stated earlier, knowledge really is power. By arming yourself with this new information, you can avoid similar pain in the future. We promise! Your Nar-dar is going to be so strong that by the time you finish this book you will practically be able to spot an N a mile away!
Don’t Hate the “Player,” Hate the Game
Has your mind been reeling with possibilities? I bet it has. By now you have probably diagnosed twenty acquaintances and relatives with NPD! That is natural, as you first become aware of this condition. Movie stars and politicians usually head up the list of possible N’s at the onset of NPD discovery. Don’t worry. You aren’t being paranoid. You won’t always see narcissistic traits in everyone, but many people can have a few of these traits without being a full blown narcissist. Knowledge is just fresh for you right now. You will become more discerning as you learn more and understand more about what exactly to look for.
As we discussed earlier, the N’s partner to him or her is like an object, a shiny new car or tool. Just as a new car eventually loses its “newness” and that initial appeal, so does the NS. Oftentimes, before the relationship has officially ended, N’s are already lining up new supply. They have such a subconscious fear of abandonment, due to the origin of their disorder, that they cannot be alone. Narcissists will make sure they have NS before they totally leave the old supply (OS).
More than likely, in the case of Linda and Robert, Robert had secured some NS on the internet through dating sites before breaking things off with Linda. He needed to make sure he had some NS waiting for him before he actually left Linda, because N’s cannot be alone. They need their supply and often keep information about finding new and different types close at hand. Once Robert started dating his NS and she didn’t prove to be the kind of supply he needed (perhaps she didn’t praise him enough or didn’t see him in the way he had tried to project…or needed some attention for herself ), he evidently left her and tried to return to Linda. To an N, old supply is better than no supply at all. Once an N has devalued his supply, she is practically worthless to him. If she allows him back after he has devalued and discarded, he loses any respect he may have ever had for her. But when he is in-between supply, an N will often find himself going back to his old stomping grounds, just as a drug addict or alcoholic will choose a weaker form of what he/she is craving when what he/she usually
