them to keep his “false self ” alive while he continues his futile search for “ideal” love and deliverance of the disorder which enslaves him. The vampire cannot see his own image in a mirror and neither can the N. This is because the N has worked so hard to keep his real image hidden. He spent years trying to create and cultivate his “false” self; he has pieced it together from bits of supply to which he was attracted. Therefore, when he glances into a mirror, he sees his supply staring back at him. He sees a cracked and plastered vision of several people, none of which are even remotely similar to the “vile and disgusting” real self he has carefully hidden. Vampires are considered “soulless,” doomed to roam the earth, snatching souls from innocent victims. Many people consider the N to be “soulless” because he seems to have no conscience or pity for his victims. Victims of N’s often say they feel as if their soul has been raped or even robbed by the N. Like the vampire, the N seems to roam the earth acting as a victim of his own disorder, gathering supply, almost unwillingly, as he searches for some sort of cure or deliverance. Destruction of the vampire comes about when he is exposed to light, and the N will cease to exist when his “true” self is “brought to light.”
Once those who are victims of N’s accept the fact that their partners are afflicted with NPD, they sometimes find themselves feeling pity for the Narcissist. They refuse to believe there is no real cure for the disorder and they set out on a journey to “fix” the person. This is especially true for people with co-dependent tendencies. Co-dependents have been shaped since childhood to “fix” everything. They spend their lives and many of their relationships trying to make things right. This arrangement works perfectly for the N who seeks to be accommodated. Those who gain insight into co-dependency realize that perhaps their own parent was an N. They begin to see how they were shaped into becoming co-dependents at very early ages. Looking at the characteristics of an N, they can compare him/her to their mother or father.
According to the DSM, the N has a grandiose sense of self-importance. He will often exaggerate his achievements and expects to be recognized as superior. He believes that he is special and that only “special” people or people of high-status and importance can understand him. He believes in “ideal” love and is constantly in search of it. He has fantasies of unlimited success, power or beauty. He constantly needs admiration and praise. He has a sense of entitlement and takes advantage of others in order to achieve his own goals. He is incapable of feeling empathy and cannot identify with the needs and feelings of others. He often has a snobby attitude or comes across as arrogant. He is envious of others and believes others to be envious of him. In order to be diagnosed with an actual permanent Narcissistic Personality Disorder, five of the above criteria need to be met. Many times the N believes others are talking about him when they are not. Paranoia and bi-polar tendencies seem to be prevalent in N’s, as well.
In addition, the DSM IV states, “Many highly successful individuals display personality traits that might be considered narcissistic” and that, “Only when these traits are inflexible, maladaptive, persisting and cause significant functional impairment or subjective stress, is it considered Narcissistic Personality Disorder.”
Once a victim of an N realizes that her own parent could have possibly been afflicted with NPD, she begins to pull pieces of the puzzle together. Situations from her childhood that she had once thought “normal” suddenly seem not as normal when she views them as situations influenced by an N. Understanding that she could have been shaped and prepared to deal with an N as early as her childhood, the victim realizes how she was able to continue in such a relationship.
You don’t have to be a co-dependent to be in a relationship with an N, but many times that is the case. A co-dependent has usually been taught to take the blame or justify odd behavior. A co-dependent will be more likely to accept negative behavior for longer periods of time while making excuses for, or actually believing that the N is going to get better at some point.
Studies have shown that N’s who sometimes have relationships with other N’s have a more “successful” relationship. This is because both partners use each other for supply and don’t expect more from the relationship. When they need new supply they take it, while understanding that their old supply will be waiting for them when necessary.
Successful relationships with N’s are those in which the partner seems to sacrifice many of the traditional expectations of a relationship. Some partners realize their N is not going to be faithful, so in order to keep the relationship together they participate in wife swapping or other types of permissive infidelities. Do you know anyone like this? Some partners of N’s want to keep their relationship together so badly that they will often sacrifice their own happiness and allow themselves to stay in relationships where they have to share their partner in order to be a part of his life. The N sees this as the ultimate form of narcissistic supply because he views himself as such a wonderful person that his partner is actually willing to share him in order to keep him. If he can stay with her after that, without feeling disgust or disrespect for what he views as desperation, the relationship can continue in this fashion for as long as he allows.
Sometimes, when we study the characteristics of an N, we become paranoid that perhaps we, ourselves, are N’s. However, everyone possesses a certain amount of narcissism, which is necessary for protection against certain types of emotional injury. It becomes a problem when those characteristics are so dominant that they leave no room for empathy or respect for others.
Don’t worry if you are feeling a bit overwhelmed right now and if some major light bulbs are flashing in your head at this time. Sit back and take a nice, deep breath. There is actually a way for you to heal from all of this “N-fliction.” Contrary to popular belief, there is a way for the N to heal as well. But first, my friend, you must piece together more of this puzzle that has recently been confusing you so much. So read on.
There is a saying that goes: “It is hard to see the forest for the trees.” When we see another person’s situation, we seem to know exactly what must be done. Perceptions of our own situations tend to be clouded by doubts and false hopes, whether consciously or subconsciously. So we are not always able to know exactly what to do. Hence, we often continue in hopeless relationships, repeating patterns and behaviors that secure their doom. In an effort to “clear the trees” a bit, let’s look at other relationships. Perhaps you will see elements of your own relationship in one of the stories in this book. If so, it should help you gain a better understanding of N’s and NPD.
Chapter 2
Seeing the Forest
Now that we have examined some of the characteristics of narcissistic men and women in chapter one, I hope you gained some understanding about NPD and insight into the possibility that you may have been “narcissized.” Sometimes statistics and psychological terminology can get in the way of a clear understanding. That is why we want to share this personality study with you:
Linda’s divorce had been final for three weeks and she was starting to breathe a sigh of relief. Eric, her ex-husband, had played every game in the book to make the divorce a nightmare for her. She couldn’t understand why he tried to make things so difficult when he had been the one to walk away.
The first few months after their separation, Linda, who had custody of their eleven-year-old daughter, had been a wreck. Even songs on the radio seemed to taunt her. “All That’s Left is a Band of Gold” seemed to target her own situation as she nervously tried to change the radio station. Looking back over her twelve-year marriage, she tried to imagine what she could have done differently. She was aware that no marriage is perfect and couples have to work hard to stay together. Knowing she hadn’t been the “perfect wife,” she was willing to see a marriage counselor in order to work on their problems. Eric hadn’t.
After going through all the
