extract just to get a taste of alcohol when there aren’t any alcoholic beverages in the house. They will feel ashamed that they had to resort to that substance, but will take what they can get until something “better” comes along. For an N, his NS isn’t necessarily a “better” partner. She isn’t necessarily better educated or more attractive, she is just “new.” The “newness” is what makes her special to him. When an N is in-between supply, he becomes desperate, just as an addict does, and will do or say anything to get his “fix.”
At that point, he goes crawling back to his OS. Robert begged Linda to take him back after he realized his NS wasn’t giving him what he needed, but to Robert, Linda was like vanilla extract is to an alcoholic. He was ashamed that he had to resort to her. He knew eventually he would have some NS lined up and would be able to make his exit, but until that time came he would take what he could get from her.
When Linda took Robert back, it reinforced his belief that he was special. Unfortunately, it made Linda seem desperate and insecure in his eyes. N’s are attracted to strength and independence, the very opposite traits of their “true” selves. Even when the N is the one who influenced his partner’s weakness or insecurity, he only sees her newly developed negative traits, not their origin, and is disgusted by them. Robert could-n’t stay too long with Linda upon his return because he saw her as a desperate woman who had no self respect when she took him back. The N’s shiny new car or toy had a defect, it had lost its “newness,” perhaps it was even “wrecked,” it had depreciated in his mind and he was hungry for a new toy. He needed a new “object” to “love”… a new “drug.”
Linda, believing Robert had seen the error of his ways, prided herself on being a compassionate person who had enough love in her heart to forgive the man with whom she was meant to be and give him another chance to right his wrongs. She didn’t feel as if she were lowering her self-esteem by taking him back, because he had been the one to beg for a second chance. She had felt sympathetic toward him and wanted to make him feel better. She knew he felt terrible about leaving her and that he had learned his lesson by getting together with the “wrong woman,” so she was willing to work things out and was able to continue cultivating a stronger relationship.
In well functioning relationships, when couples make mistakes and forgive each other, it makes their relationship stronger. But it is impossible to forgive and move on in a “relationship” with an N. The N views the relationship as being tainted and feels he needs to continue his quest for “ideal love” once a mistake has been made (even if it is the N’s infidelity). Once the toy is broken, it is tossed aside like the useless object it has become and the N begins his search for something new…a useful object.
At this point, you may be feeling pity for your N as you realize she is at the mercy of her disorder. Compassion is evidently one of your positive traits or you wouldn’t have ended up with an N in the first place. Compassion is a noble trait; it sets you apart from the N whose emotions are merely self-centered reactions. However, it is important that you do not allow yourself to be led by your emotions. Once you arm yourself with knowledge, you can choose not to be manipulated and disrespected. There is such a peace in that type of security. There is more you need to know about the emotions of an N so that you will be better equipped to handle those frustrating and confusing situations. For now, you may want to reflect upon the “object” type love of an N and her ongoing journey to find completion. Don’t be discouraged. You can and will gain the knowledge to choose a partner and find the right relationship, the one for which you yearn and deserve.
Supply by Any Other Name…
While pondering the “object” type love the N chooses, you will come to understand one reason the N seems to move seamlessly from one relationship to another. We all tire of our material possessions and upgrade them from time to time. When we replace worn out objects like cell phones that no longer work, we don’t grieve for the ones we discarded.
N’s are said to have the emotional maturity of a five-year-old child. That is why the “toy” analogy seems to work so well when explaining their attitude toward their partners. When Linda allowed Robert to continuously cut her down and compare her to his past lovers, he lost respect for her. If she complained about the comparisons or got upset, he considered her insecure or weak and still lost respect for her. No matter how she reacted to his “game,” she was set up to be devalued in Robert’s eyes, because that was the only way he knew how to play.
N’s assume that everyone thinks the same way they do about things. They are incapable of experiencing empathy or any of the emotions associated with relating to the feelings of others. The only feelings they are known to experience are ones involving their own narcissistic injury. They can experience anger, disgust, humiliation or embarrassment. They are able to feel shame and disappointment. They even feel a rush when things go their way, when they feel in control or gain supply. But they do not know what it is to feel love in the way normal people do, and they cannot feel empathy with others. They usually learn how to react by watching others and they write those reactions into the scripts they act out on a daily basis. They can mimic sorrow or sympathy, but those who understand the disorder know that those emotions are not sincere when expressed by N’s.
Chances are when Robert was with his NS, he told her what a horrible partner Linda had been. While he was whispering what a perfect fit the new woman was or how he had finally found the girl of his dreams, he didn’t mention to her that he had once told Linda the exact same things. Linda was surely painted as a clingy, insecure ogre, someone who wouldn’t let him go (N’s often like to make it appear as if their past lovers cannot get enough of them and won’t leave them alone. We are almost convinced that when the ex-partner continues to contact the N in order to gain some sort of closure to the confusing madness she experienced with him, that the N actually views it as stalking) and no doubt the NS felt pity for Robert for having dated such a “freak.”
What should Linda do if Robert comes back for round three? Having read this book most will say Linda will under no circumstance take him back. When we see the relationship from another person’s perspective, it is easy to realize how a reunion with such a person would be a mistake. We may find it impossible to believe that someone would be willing to continue a relationship with a partner who constantly devalues her. But there are women and men who take their partners back even after being devalued and discarded several times. Many things factor into their reasons for this. Some of these people are codependents who seem to be at the mercy of their own disorder. Others are addicted to their partners and need them under any circumstance. Sometimes victims are momentarily blinded by the fog of deceit created by the N’s and need only to have the air cleaner to see more distinctly. In this book we hope to teach you how to discern the truth about your own vulnerability and how you’ve been affected by your narcissistic lover.
QUIZ # 1
Degrees of Co-dependency
Rate your level of co-dependency from one through four.
4 = Often
3 = On occasion
2 = Rarely
1 = Never
____ Afraid of being alone
____ Feel the need to take care of the emotional needs of others
____ Hard on yourself
____ Tend to go above and beyond what they can handle
____ Feel the need to be needed
____ Need approval and appreciation from others
____
