use their partner’s bodies as tools for masturbation rather than “lovemaking.” To his partner, sex with the Narcissist is a beautiful lovemaking experience. But to the N, it is just another way of satisfying himself.
The N considers his partners to be extensions of himself…a way to “act out” a fantasy. Partners are interchangeable and easily discarded. Somatic Narcissists brag about their sexual conquests, expect praise for their muscular bodies, are often health nuts and some are even hypochondriacs. They rely on their looks or strength to obtain supply and learn how to please a woman by gathering experience from their many sources of supply. This is the reason sex with a Somatic Narcissist may be incredible compared to sex with a less experienced partner.
Linda thought of all the partners Robert had admitted having during his college days and beyond. She hadn’t thought much of his revelations when he first told her; after all, many men are somewhat promiscuous in their single days. Looking back, however, Linda realized that Robert seemed to have had many sex partners, whom he criticized by talking many times of their shortcomings.
Thinking back, Robert’s passion for weightlifting seemed more like an obsession. The way he refused to eat certain foods, even when her friends had made them special dinners, this obsession with eating properly seemed like something other than a healthy eating habit. She remembered how he would stare at himself in the mirror admiringly seemingly unable to look away when he stepped out of the shower. At the time she saw that as confidence, but now studying NPD, she noticed this to be a character trait for a Somatic Narcissist. She felt proud of him for wanting to be photographed by a professional photographer while doing muscle poses… now she just felt sick. Her earlier image of Robert’s confidence now seemed traceable to a characteristic of a personality disorder to her. She was learning to view him in a completely different light.
Cerebral Narcissists use their intellect to impress others and gain supply. They are not often interested in sex and will withhold it to punish their partners. Linda learned that all Narcissists have cerebral and somatic qualities, but tend to lean toward one type more than the other.
Pieces of the puzzle slowly began to fall into place. Linda felt a sting of pain for Robert because from what she had learned, there was no real cure for the disorder. After learning more about the disorder, and remembering that Robert had confessed to such a strained relationship with his mother, Linda wanted to go to him and hold him. She wanted to tell him, “I know what is wrong with you. I am here to help you. I will make it better,” but she realized that she had ALWAYS done that. She always tried to “fix” things and make them better. And Robert’s real problem was something she could not fix.
As Linda’s friendship with Carrie strengthened and her studies continued, so did Linda’s knowledge of NPD. Linda no longer cringed every time she heard her cell phone ringing. She didn’t expect to hear from Robert, nor did she associate ringing phones or new emails with him. Slowly, she was feeling stronger; not healed, but stronger. Several months passed since she had seen Robert and he did not try to contact her. She had learned the term “N-dipping” from Carrie and understood it to be when victims of Narcissists couldn’t forget them and tried to find out what was happening to their ex-loves by checking their dating profiles on the internet or driving past their houses to see if they were home. N-dipping fell into the category of “contact” and was considered a major mistake. Linda learned to refrain from it.
Then one day when she was checking her email, Linda noticed a new message with the subject “Long time no see.” She didn’t recognize the address and had blocked Robert’s email as Carrie had suggested, so she knew it couldn’t be from him. She was wrong. He created another email address in order to send her the message. He wasn’t begging her back this time, only telling her he was thinking of her because he knew her birthday was coming up and wanted her to know he remembered. Linda was livid. Her heart was pounding as she quickly dialed Carrie’s cell phone. “After all these months how could he still have this kind of affect on me? How rude of him to just casually send me an email!”
Carrie helped Linda calm down and explained to her that Robert was more than likely beginning to grow bored with his NS and was probably hoping Linda would step back in until he found “better” supply. He hadn’t begged her back this time, because he knew she would be less likely to accept him since he discarded her twice. He was “testing the waters.” Due to Linda’s new knowledge about NPD, it made complete sense to her and she began to feel angry. She told Carrie she intended to tell Robert she knew exactly what his problem was and that she was no longer going to serve as narcissistic supply for him. “By doing that,” Carrie explained, “you will be giving him the very supply you wish to deny him.” Linda knew this was an apt diagnosis from what she had studied, but she felt helpless. Robert would interpret the anger, the lecture or even the declarations of refusal as narcissistic supply.
Feelings of helpless frustration stayed with Linda throughout the day and by the time she left work she felt emotionally drained.
When she arrived home, her ex-husband was already there to take their daughter for the weekend, but her daughter hadn’t arrived home from school, yet. Linda felt more tension building inside her, in her ex-husband’s presence. He seemed annoyed and angry that the school bus was late and made sarcastic comments to Linda.
After he finally left, daughter in tow, Linda had a quick meltdown sitting with her head in her arms at her kitchen table. As she reflected, she flashed back to her relationship with her ex-husband. Did her ex-husband have narcissistic tendencies? How had she never noticed those characteristics before? Was the pacifying she had done in that relationship why she had been able to stay with Robert so long? Had she learned how to survive with an N by living twelve years with one?
Linda felt as if she had hit an all time low. When she stared at herself in the mirror she felt a pathetic person was staring back. Linda had not yet processed that through knowledge and behavior she was changing and would change more and for the better. In order to make these changes however, Linda needed to learn exactly what had gone wrong so she could grow stronger and create a better relationship in the future.
Does Linda’s situation ring familiar? Have you noticed that you seem less confident and at peace with yourself than you did when you first met your N? Do you see how his constant devaluation could have lowered your self-esteem? Do you feel you are gaining insight into your own personality at this point?
Be confident. All of these painful revelations are working together to mold you into a better, stronger, wiser you. Pressure is always necessary when creating something positive. A lump of coal must endure pressure in order to become a diamond. Muscles have to rip before muscle growth is obtained. You have probably heard the saying, “No pain no gain.” That truism can be applied to the epiphanies experienced by an awakening NPD victim. We promise you, the emotional roller coaster ride you are experiencing taking you from revelation to anger and disgust will end at a peaceful place if you follow the tracks.
Chapter 5
Trolling for Supply…
Please be hopeful. You are arming yourself with some powerful knowledge. If you don’t feel your new strength yet, we are confident you soon will. Let’s continue this journey together. There is a lot more to learn.
When things seem to be going right in the life of an N, he doesn’t need his supply. His partner becomes unnecessary, as he feels no reason to be uplifted and needs no one to blame for his problems. Because the N feels “special,” he expects others to appease him when things do not go his way. In his mind, people are there as amulets to cheer, encourage and support him
