Don’t give yourself the credit you deserve
____ Look for sources outside of yourself to gain happiness
Total _______
Add your score total. Scores should range anywhere from 9 through 36. A total score between 28 and 36 reflects that you have excessive codependent qualities. A score between 18 and 27 indicates that you have a significant amount of co-dependent traits. A score between 9 and 17 illustrates that you have a limited amount of co-dependent characteristics.
Despite the seeming need for companionship, relationships of the N are doomed. Because of the N’s poor-self image, he feels that if anyone is willing to accept him as a partner she must be inferior in some way. Therefore, he cannot stay with anyone who would accept the likes of him into her life. In the beginning of the courtship, he is attracted to his partner’s strengths and drawn to her confidence. Those “unobtainable” qualities are what make him pursue her, at first. He believes she could be “the one” and he also tries to convince her of this. However, once he has acquired her, and the newness begins to wear off, he believes she must be flawed in some way in order to stay with someone like him. Then he perceives flaws which are in reality his own. He grows bored, disgusted, and begins to search for NS. Unable to face his own inadequacies and give to another, he looks for another “perfect” match, continuing the self-defeating cycle of despair.
The N devalues her sources of supply, because she resents them for the power they have over her. Without supply, the N will cease to exist and learn to resent her dependency upon her supply. By devaluing the very supply on which she feels dependent, the N gains back some of the control she feels she has lost.
Negative attention equals positive attention (supply) for an N. Therapists encourage victims of N’s to abide by the “No Contact” rule when dealing with break ups from their narcissistic companion. But many victims feel the way Linda seemed to feel; they doubt themselves and give the N second and third chances. Victims believe that the N really wants to change and their compassion to be the better person and offer him forgiveness overrides any feelings of resentment. However, this “forgiveness” is not as compassionate and self-sacrificing as it may seem.
Remember, as you’ve learned earlier when the N initiates the relationship, he convinces his partner that she is very special. She believes that she is “the one he has been searching for.” All of the coincidences and things she had in common with her partner proved to her that theirs was more than just an average relationship. The way he made her feel in the beginning of their courtship reinforced her belief that they were made for each other and that they had a truly special relationship. Those special feelings she experienced are similar to the feelings the N has about his “false” self. His “real” self was so repulsive to him that he created a wonderful version of himself to be admired and loved by all. The feelings he received when others accepted him as the new and improved self were the actual “high” feelings obtained from his supply. When he convinced his partner that she was the special woman of his dreams, she, too, got to experience the “high” of believing in a special self. To accept that her partner didn’t really believe those things about her meant she would have to give up the belief that she was “the one,” and she would lose that special status. The pain that comes from having to let that “special” self go is overwhelming. That is why the N is at the mercy of his disorder and one of the reasons his partner is reluctant to let go. If his current partner begins to see through the façade he has so carefully created for himself, the “false” self is threatened. He no longer feels as if his partner is reflecting the image he wished to portray. In that case, he needs to find new supply to mirror his “false” self before reality sets in and causes him to dwell on the possibility that he isn’t special, after all. If an N is forced to dwell on that possibility for too long, he often experiences depression.
When the victim of an N feels the special image his partner helped create for him being threatened, he often resorts to denial in order to hang on to his own “false self.” He would much rather believe that he is the special person she made him out to be and that she is just a normal woman dealing with stress that causes her to behave inappropriately, than to believe that he could have been “narcissisized.”
This is one of the reasons that victims of N’s find it difficult to adhere to the “No Contact” rule. They don’t see themselves as mere objects for the N. They are still clinging to the belief that they were special to the N at one time and that their N will soon get past whatever is causing her to stray and once again find refuge in their ideal relationship.
Unfortunately, the N doesn’t see her supply as “special.” Partners of N’s are only tools she uses to buffer her feelings of guilt, anxiety and shame acquired during her childhood from her parents or other such caregivers. Once the tools are of no use to the N, she simply discards them and searches for something more useful. She doesn’t desire to be loved by her supply; would someone want her car to adore her? Instead, she extracts adoration, praise, fear, admiration, and any worthwhile supply until she feels it is depleted. Then she obtains a fresh supply.
Think about it. Wasn’t the beginning of your relationship almost like a fairytale? Your N made you feel so significant. He even convinced you that you two were made for each other. You had so many things in common with him. And wasn’t it uncanny how none of the other women in his past measured up to you? You began to realize just how special you really were. Perhaps you were meant to be together. Buying into the idealization phase is a rush. Once we allow ourselves to feel as if we have rescued someone from a long and difficult journey, there is no turning back. We want to be that savior. We want ours to be the best relationship or the most important time in his life. Accepting that we have been “narcissized” means denying our special status. We tend to grow accustomed to that special side of ourselves. Why would we give that up without a fight?
The reality is that we really are special. We have all of those traits that initially drew the N to us, but he exaggerated them during the idealization phase of our relationship and we also eventually found ourselves believing in the idealizations. The malignant power the N seems to have over his victim distorts reality. This is why the victim of an N may find herself being talked into reconciliation even though something tells her it isn’t right. This is one reason the “No Contact” rule is so important.
One of the reasons therapists encourage victims of N’s to abide by the “No Contact” rule is that any type of attention…anger, fear, sadness, happiness, is considered equal as supply to the N. When an N is in-between supply, she may consider going back to her OS (old supply) to get a “quick fix.” If he accepts her back, she will remain with him until she lines up new supply. If he expresses anger or tries to explain to her why he isn’t going to take her back, he is still giving her supply.
The fact that he could evoke anger in her reinforces his belief in his control over others and his power of existence. The best way to handle an N when he comes sniffing back around for supply is to ignore him completely. That is the only weapon against narcissism. N’s thrive on attention, whether it is positive or negative. It reminds them that they exist and that others notice them. When N’s are ignored, their very existence is threatened. Although it is sometimes hard to ignore the phone calls, block the emails and send back the unopened gifts or letters, you now know it is the only way to begin the healing process. By abstaining from contact you are showing your ex-partner that he no longer has control over you. The only reason he will continue to come back and dip into old supply is if you reveal your vulnerabilities or weaknesses in those areas. When he sees your strengths and realizes you are serious, he will move onto easier supply and you will finally be free of your N.
How do you think Linda handled Robert after he devalued and discarded her twice? We’ll soon discuss in detail exactly what she did. But first take some time to evaluate your own situation and process more of this information.
