parenthood every day with grace and flexibility.
If you are pressed for time, as most parents are, first read those chapters most relevant to you and your adoption journey. Return to the book as often as you need, mark it up, tab the pages and always keep it within arm’s reach when the going gets tough.
This book is divided into four parts and includes an appendix of useful adoption resources organized by chapter. Part I is aimed at prospective adoptive parents who are in the process of deciding whether to adopt an older child. It includes detailed information about waiting children, adoptive parents and the process of adopting either domestically, internationally or through the tribal child welfare system. At the end of Part I, we look at what post-adoption services may be available to adoptive families.
Part II explores families that have adopted an older child. First, we focus on the changes and challenges older child adoption brings to families. Then we look at family dynamics, especially sibling relationships, how to help your child navigate his past and biological family relationships. We also look at multicultural and multiracial adoptive families, including their strengths, potential challenges and how parents can celebrate their adopted child’s cultural heritage.
Part III focuses on understanding the older adopted child. Each adopted child is a unique individual. Some older adopted children will have needs that are quite complex and difficult to understand while others will have few special needs (even though they have carried the label of “special needs adoption”). Part III looks at how adoption can shape a child’s emerging sense of self. Then it reveals how past trauma may impact the older adoptee. For some children, the past has left serious mental and/or physical scars, while for others the past has made them stronger and more resilient. Some children need a therapeutic family milieu and long-term professional help while others are able to heal in a short period of time. This section also looks at grief and loss in older adopted children and attachment issues. In Part III, we seek to give parents an understanding of the complex factors that may shape their child’s development and functioning so they are better able to get help for their child if he or she needs it.
Part IV of this book concentrates on the adoptive parent. It examines the unique strength, resilience and adaptability of many adoptive parents. It looks at the adoptive parent’s need for social support, community and understanding and how you can build a support network that meets your needs. Finally, we discuss the importance of self-care and of getting professional help for yourself and respite care for your child when you are having trouble coping with the daily demands of adopting and parenting an older child.
Thank you for all that you do for your children and for our communities. We hope this book helps you to find the world of support and understanding available to you whenever you need it. Best wishes for a fulfilling, love-filled parenting journey.
Deciding to Adopt an Older Child
Deciding to build a family, whether through birth or adoption, is one of the most important and impactful decisions you will make in your life. Any experienced parent will tell you that having or adopting a child is an event that turns your life upside down and that parenting is one of the toughest jobs on earth. Deciding to have or adopt a child is not a decision that should be made lightly. Most certainly, the decision to adopt an older child is no exception.
The reasons people are interested in domestic or international older child adoption vary, but may include:
• Infertility
• They want children but decide to adopt for health or other reasons
• To provide a loving home to a child in need
• Older child adoption fits better with the prospective parent(s)’ age and/or life-stage
• A religious or spiritual calling
• They were adopted and thus understand the importance of adoption
• They are fostering a child or children and want him/her/them to become a permanent part of the family
• They know someone who has adopted an older child and see how life-changing it has been for the child and the adoptive family
• Their children are grown and they want to raise more children
• They have a talent for working with challenged children or teens
There may be multiple reasons you are drawn to older child adoption. As you prepare to make your decision about adoption you may feel a natural amount of anxiety that comes with making such a life-changing decision. This is perfectly normal and acceptable. What is not acceptable, however, is making a decision without being well-informed. You must become educated about the challenges older adoptees have experienced in their lives and some of the issues they may encounter after adoption. Also read about the process of adopting an older child and what post-adoption services and support may be available to you. As you learn more about older child adoption, ask yourself these questions:
• Is adopting an older child right for me and my family?
• Is adoption about my needs or the needs of the child?
• Do I know enough about older child adoption to make an informed decision?
• Do I have realistic expectations about adopting an older child?
• Will I be thoroughly committed to my adoptive child, even when his or her behavior sometimes makes me dislike him or her?
• Do I have patience for a child whose behaviors may be the result of someone else’s abuse and/or neglect?
If you have done your research and spoken to other adoptive parents and still have doubts about adopting an older child, discuss your feelings with an adoption professional, trusted family member, friend, clergyman or therapist. If you and your partner do not seem to be on the same page on adoption, don’t force a decision on a person who is hesitant. In the end you will make the right decision. If you are confident you can be committed to an older adopted child through good times and bad, embark on a journey that may be the most rewarding of your life!
BETH’S STORY
Beth and her husband adopted four siblings who came into their care at the ages of six and a half, five, three-and-a-half and two, through their state’s Department of Family and Protective Services. They always had a desire to adopt.
Beth explained, “I nannied for years and realized early in life that I don’t particularly enjoy the infant years. I knew I wanted to be a mother but I didn’t necessarily want to have
