safe and loving home, while living the dream I have had since I was thirteen of having a large family.”
Beth feels some of the adoptive parents she has met in support groups simply weren’t ready to adopt. She said, “We quickly realized that, as a family who came to adoption as a “plan A,” we were in the minority. I have discovered that many adopt children as a “plan B” after exhausting every known medical option to conceive. Many of these parents, before bringing a wounded child into their life, did not grieve or heal fully after “plan A” was no longer viable. I listened to the expectations and disappointments of well-meaning parents played out in group therapy more times than I can count. The parents were venting with nodding support instead of being told they need to deal with their issues and not project them onto their children. It is a serious problem in this emerging adoption culture.”
Beth’s advice to people who are considering older child adoption is to “enter into a therapeutic discussion (with yourself, your partner, your therapist, whomever…) about the impacts of your decision.” She also recommends that people do thorough research about older child adoption. Prior to adopting, Beth says that she and her husband spent a long time asking questions and looking into the process before they actually took their first steps.
EDUCATING YOURSELF ABOUT OLDER CHILD ADOPTION
The decision to adopt and parent an older child should be informed by love, hope and knowledge. Lois Wright and Cynthia Flynn asked fifty-eight adoptive parents of teens what advice they had for people considering teen adoption and the dominant piece of advice was get as much information as possible about older child adoption and the specific child you are adopting.1
There are many uncertainties with older child adoption, but one thing is certain—it is not a fairytale and it takes a lot of hard work. Unlike infants, older adoptees join their families with prior life experiences that have shaped their psychological, behavioral, physical, social and emotional development. They join your family with hope, joy and love but also with hidden pain. Prospective parents of older adoptees must open their hearts and minds to the promises and difficulties of older child adoption.
Your family’s adoption journey will not be the same as anyone else’s. There is no magic formula or crystal ball that will predict what your experience will be like. Your adopted child may struggle with many issues or adjust surprisingly well to her new family. And just like any child, your adopted child will have her own strengths and weaknesses.
Often the media covers sensational stories about adoption that are not representative of the average adoption experience. It is up to you to get a more accurate picture of what older child adoption is like. When you speak to parents who are raising children adopted at an older age, note the range of experiences. Some families will describe nightmare scenarios, while others will say they had no problems at all, but these are outlier experiences. Most families you talk to will describe an older child adoption journey that fits somewhere in the middle of these two extremes; their child and family have faced a number of challenges and setbacks but ultimately, through love and commitment, have persevered. Many adoptive parents you will speak to will say older child adoption has been the most rewarding experience of their lives. Undoubtedly their families too have experienced good times and bad, but these parents understand the difference they have made in the life of a child.
Prior to deciding whether to adopt an older child, educate yourself:
• Attend adoptive parent support group meetings to hear from parents about their family’s challenges and how they cope.
• Find an adoption navigator, recruiter or mentor who works with prospective and pre-adoptive parents of older adoptees.
• Visit online discussion forums for adoptive parents of older children.
• Read books and articles about older child adoption and visit adoption websites.
• Have frank conversations with adoption professionals about your expectations, hopes and needs.
• Learn how adoption has changed the lives of older children and teens by listening to or reading their stories.
There are numerous resources listed throughout this guide that will help you learn more about the many aspects of older child adoptions including the process, how to access post-adoption services, common issues older adoptees and adoptive families face and parenting support.
ADVICE TO PROSPECTIVE PARENTS FROM THOSE WHO HAVE ADOPTED OLDER CHILDREN
We asked a group of adoptive parents what advice they have for people contemplating older child adoption. Their answers reflect the importance of prospective parents being educated about the needs of adopted children, having realistic expectations and understanding that healing will not happen overnight. The parents we talked to believe love is an essential ingredient in raising children who have experienced early challenges in their lives, but they agree that love may not be enough to heal these children. They advise parents to become educated about the needs of older adopted children so they will understand their child’s behavior and seek professional help as needed.
To prepare for difficult behaviors, a parent who adopted a nine-year-old from the American foster care system advised prospective parents: “Read up on the impact of trauma and attachment disorders. Consider the worst-case scenario—severe mental illness, violent outbursts, near constant disrespect and defiance, the child pushing you away at every turn. Hopefully healing will happen, but can you stay committed to your child if it doesn’t?”
A parent who adopted three children with special medical needs—a twenty-month-old from Belarus, a seven-month-old from Guatemala and a six-year-old from Ukraine—said prospective parents “need to be prepared as much as possible, they need to research as much as possible, be prepared for grief, anger, defiance and moodiness. Prepare for the worst and hope and pray for the best!”
A parent who adopted a four-year-old from Ukraine added, “Make sure you are prepared and understand the true needs of an older child coming from a hurt place. Really be educated on the emotions, challenges, behaviors, attachment issues and loyalty issues (to biological family, country of birth) an older child may have when adopted. Make sure you know the delays a child may have even if the child is considered typical.”
ADOPTIVE FAMILIES DESCRIBE WHAT SUCCESS MEANS TO THEM
Parents who were interviewed in conjunction with several studies described what success meant to them in terms of their older child or teen’s adoption and what factors they believed contributed to the adoption’s success. Compare your notions of success about adoption with what these families had to say.
A slight majority of parents who adopted teenagers interviewed for a study conducted by Wright and Flynn published in 2006 characterized success as having a sense of normalcy in family life. These parents said they do the same things any family does (e.g. activities, celebrations). Many parents in the same study also described success as having a sense of emotional connectedness and love in their family.
For Wright and Flynn’s study and another conducted by the Children’s Bureau, parents were asked what factors contributed to the success of their older child or teen’s adoption. Common themes included:
• Commitment to the parent-child relationship2
• Having realistic expectations about the adoption3
• Viewing parenting as rewarding4
• Their parenting style (exhibiting flexibility and a sense of humor)5
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