Dawn. Dawn is an Oneida Indian from Wisconsin. I met her in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I had no idea when I met her that we would travel this same path for nearly three decades, a path we still travel, in fact. Dawn is an amazing woman, one of sixteen kids, one of only seven still alive. Alcoholism has taken the lives of all the rest of them.
There is nothing about Dawn's upbringing that would have suggested she'd be one of the survivors. But survive she has, and thrive she does in her own way. It would be a vast understatement to say that her family was dysfunctional. Both parents were dead from alcoholism in their early 50s. Her father shot himself because he couldn't stop drinking. Her mother died of liver disease. All sixteen children were placed in foster care and Dawn and her younger sisters were molested again and again. The authorities never stepped in.
Dawn has carried the guilt over not being able to protect her younger sisters all of her life. She began to drink and gamble and run away as a way of coping at thirteen, and her path was grooved by the time she was sixteen. Amazingly, she proved to be a good employee for many years, in spite of her alcoholism and absenteeism. The past eventually caught up with her, however, and she was brutally beaten by a cop using a billy club while in a drunk tank. Many brain surgeries were not able to repair the damage that was inflicted on her. Her speech continues to be affected, as is her handwriting.
Resilience is getting up again and again when one falls.
Dawn has rebounded from unbelievable odds. She now has Parkinson's disease, along with the brain damage. Her gait is compromised. The seizures from epilepsy hit at the most unexpected times. Fortunately she receives disability and food stamps and is able to work part time, which gets her out of the house and around people two or three hours a day. A friend picks her up for AA meetings and an ex-husband makes sure she gets to family functions.
In spite of all the challenges, Dawn does not complain. She feels lucky to be alive and to have friends and family who continue to love her even though she put them through hell. She is determined to hold her head high and continue to face the world with dignity. She sees the bright side of life, even though her own life has been mostly dark. She helps others see the humor in the unexpected occurrences of daily life. She laughs heartily at herself and helps others to do likewise. She is the epitome of resilience.
When I consider all of the people I spoke to for this book, I'd have to say Dawn ranks at the top of the resilience list. Nothing could destroy her, no matter how dire—sexual abuse, rape, being beaten by cops, being jailed, going through detox and treatment more than two dozen times. Nothing kept her from continuing to put one foot in front of the other. And now at sixty she models to others that no matter how hard life is, taking it one day at a time makes it tolerable. Survivable. Even enjoyable.
Before moving on, let me reiterate some of the ideas outlined here for easy reference and as a practical outline for changing your behavior. To be resilient means being willing to try again, even when the odds don't look good.
It means not letting failure deter you from the willingness to keep trying—to move forward regardless.
It means believing there is a path that has been charted for you and staying on it even when you stumble.
It means being a willing example for others that you can make lemonade even when the lemons come in bushels.
Resilience is a trait that can be honed by all but is avoided by many because of fear of failure. (I'm reminded of the story about Thomas Edison and his perfection of the light bulb. He made more than five thousand attempts before he succeeded in getting one that continued to burn, and he was convinced that every one of the failures was serving the purpose of getting him closer to his goal.)
There is nothing magical about resilience. It's a decision before it's anything else. And then it's a commitment to execute the plan. Every story I shared in this chapter, brief though they were, provided an example of how really simple it is to demonstrate resilience.
It's getting up again and again when one falls.
It's letting the past be past rather than allowing it to control the present or forecast the future.
Dawn, for example, might well have given up dozens of times, but quitting wasn't in her vocabulary. She has rewritten her story. Her ending will not mirror her parents' ending. What she has, the willingness to rebound, they did not possess. What she has, any one of us can claim for ourselves. The choice is available. Choose wisely.
Further Reflection
Let's take a moment to recall an earlier time when we practiced one or two of the suggestions that were demonstrated in this chapter. And if you haven't made a practice of any of them yet, can you remember a situation that would have been a perfect opportunity to express resilience? If you were able to re-experience the circumstance and take advantage of the chance to practice resilience, what might it look like? Share your thoughts with a friend, or in a journal. We can only make something our own when we practice it and then tell someone else about it too. Forge ahead!
2
Choosing Perseverance
Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.
Babe Ruth
Perseverance is the key to success. Anyone's success. It's the dedication to move forward regardless of the odds against you, regardless of the mini-failures along the way. It's buckling down and saying, to yourself or sometimes to others too, I can do this! It's refusing to give up even when at first we don't succeed. Perseverance is resilience transformed into positive action. If resilience is the tool handed over by adversity, perseverance is the ongoing building project as you put those tools to work.
Perseverance is the absolute decision to stick to a goal in spite of setbacks. It's never giving up, even in the face of constant barriers. It's saying “yes” when all the signs around you point to “NO!”
The above quote strikes at the very heart of focused and fought-for success. The eventual overcoming of the dire circumstances that so many of us grew up in depends on perseverance. These are circumstances that bespeak certain failure, and yet millions rise above it. What is in their makeup that propels them forward in spite of the odds? For some I think it's sheer determination to “show them,” particularly those who put us down so often. According to the dictionary, perseverance is “steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.” That describes Charlie, the pilot, to a tee.
Charlie's father couldn't bring himself to praise Charlie about anything. While it was true that Charlie did bring shame on himself and his family in his youth by way of some of his pranks, like the time he “accidentally” burned down the garage, he also accomplished many remarkable feats through his creativity. His dad overlooked these feats, unable to see beyond the disappointments.
One of the remarkable things Charlie shared with me, and the one example that reflects perseverance most, is the way he went about getting his first job as a pilot. And this was after the perseverance it took to complete all of his training and get every license that was possible for a pilot to attain, including two that are the Ph.D. of all aviation licenses: an Air Transport Pilot License and an Airframe and Powerplant License.
After completing his training, Charlie made hundreds of copies of his résumé and sent them to every airline large and small throughout the country. Then got in his car and headed west, visiting every regional airport
